Diary entry 91


Dear diary,
Some of my past days have been quite stressing. Stress hasn’t left me completely but I have just tried to push the least important matters to the back of my mind,focusing on the most important and pressing matters. Will deal with the remaining matters whenever I get 1st chance to breathe. Exams are just around the corner. So things have been piling up lately. Came to class with a mind made up to finish everything today but so far,the day has been extremely lazy. Don’t know how long it would take to increase its pace. I’m bored to my core. Waiting for the teacher to come and get over with my presentation and quiz.
Likewise,some of my past nights,including  today’s,have been extremely uncomfortable too. My mind is being extremely over active and annoying. Haven’t been able to sleep properly in the nights but I don’t even bother to try sleeping during day time(dunno why).
Everywhere I look,I see people falling apart. People close to me,people I care about. I have no idea how to stop that. Its frustrating. I’m trying not to let these things take hold of me and break me. So far,I have done a lousy job. Every once in a day or so,stressful thoughts creep into my mind,and I move with their flow for some time. Then I have to slap myself back to being strong,not just for myself but for others too.
Talking to a friend about 10 days ago was kinda turning point of my life. I became hopeful again. Feel as if my life has been returned to my body. Feels like a 2nd chance at happiness. I just came to know that I can still join forces. And this time, I will make sure that at least I try once. Last time,I let the opportunity pass,but this time is different. I don’t wanna live a meaningless and lazy life anymore. I will try for Forces when I complete my degree In Sha Allah.
Still 1.5 years to go but I’m still over-excited.
There are things that I want to talk about,but once again I’m trying to spare feelings of others. I have no idea why I do it. I just do it. And even hurt myself in the process. But I guess,for once in my life I don’t wanna be self-centered and selfish. I can’t even say that this is who I am,because I no longer know if it’s the whole truth or not.
For some days,I just wanna be void of any feelings. I know it’s just wishful thinking,it’s not gonna happen and it just frustrates me even more :-/
I should’ve known there was too much inside me that would come out if I start writing. There’s more. But I should probably let it rest now. For past should remain in past,wont you agree.
Yes,I get it! I should write more often to avoid becoming insane. I get it. Damn you,my laziness!!!
:-/
Anyway,I better go now. Teacher is about to come(Yup,it would take some time and effort to normalize my mood.So I better work on it right now. Writing here has made me morose again 😦  )

Chao

Diary entry 15


Dear diary,

A new roommate came today.She seems as quiet as I am mostly.Seems nice though I haven’t tried to even see what she looks like and I still don’t know her name.What is with me???!!!I just don’t understand why I’m sitting with my laptop writing this post when I should probably go and talk to her or maybe make her comfortable.And here I am texting my friend and listening to my play list plus writing in here.Mum is so right when she says I’m so anti-social but I don’t know how to improve this one thing.

The Kenyan roommate I have,even her presence in the room has started to irritate me.I dunno whats happening to me.Feels like I’m going completely insane!

I better start working on this issue or I’d actually end up being insane instead of helping the disturbed!

Dear diary,my visual creativity is reaching its climax these days and it’s almost painful to try to control it but of course I can’t let it run wild.Maybe this is one of the reasons I don’t feel like myself these days.I’m trying,I’m trying very hard actually!but its difficult and draining.

I just need some time and I’m sure this condition would pass.

Time to go,

See ya 🙂