Diary Entry: Oh the Downs!


Dear diary,

By now, I know, I should be able to pull through bad mood swings but I haven’t.I have an exam on the coming Saturday, my final research methodology exam, for which I’m not prepared even in the least- AGAIN! I’m still home but mum has been really accommodating where studies are concerned. She is letting me sit and try to study, which previously I thought was kinda impossible at home. I actually did get some stuff done and out of the way. But there is a constant gloomy cloud over my head since last night. Mum has inquired more than twice today, if something is wrong with me, if I’m hiding something….. Of course something is wrong with me and of course I’m hiding something, but my dear mum, you don’t need to know that, because I know that if you know, you’ll worry yourself sick. Plus, its my personal weakness and my own private battle to fight. Its January- the month in which my roommate died, two years back. For past 2 years, it has been bringing me low moods, anxiety and bad health. Once it passes, I recover on my own. I know her death has affected me more severely than I would like to admit but its a fact. I don’t know how long it would take me to get rid of this type of reactions from my physical being. or if I ever would…..

I think, for me to heal properly, I need closure. I need to stop running. But I don’t know how to do it.

Sometimes, I wish, there was someone, with whom I could share, getting past my inhibitions. But every single time I have tried opening up, people tend to run in the opposite direction. I don’t if it’s the intensity of the emotions or just their plain lack of interest that drives them away. And then it forces me to pull back and hide myself in layers upon layers of superficial “I’m perfectly spiffingly amazing aura,” and deal with my share of pain, all alone, inside, with oblivious people around me. Sometimes I wish, for people to try, at least for a little bit, to understand what goes on inside my head, instead of judging me and labeling me with labels like “a secretive person or a complex entity.” But nobody looks at me and sees someone tired of hiding behind layers. All they see is someone who doesn’t complain openly. All they see, is bravery, stubbornness and a strong will. Nobody deciphers how much of a sham these things have become.

There is so much I want to say, so much that my insides constantly scream when my tongue is completely silent and stone cold. Most often than not, I dwell at a lonely place. A place where nobody comes to visit. A place filled with the downs but the very place that has me in its strong hold.

And there is a blockage inside my head right now. It might be because I’m hungry.

Til next time……

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Diary Entry: Reformation, I hope!


Dear diary,

Today I cut my own hair for the first time, which considering how much I love my hair, is a huge transition. And I kinda love the change I’ve been wanting for so long. But I just wish, like this little change, other things were easier to change too. Like my heart or its ability to love to the moon and back. Hah! Fat chance, I know 🙂 Anyway, I think my diaries have been linked so much to my emotions and feelings. Or rather the emotional turmoil. I am writing after such a long gap. I’ve thought about the reason of my prolonged absence. And arrived at the conclusion that during all these past months when I was inactive, I wanted to write, very often but perhaps I was going through a state of emotional stagnation. Well, my emotions were not exactly stagnant but I didn’t feel them touch their peaks or the depths for that matter. Thus the long silence. It seems that in order to write, my emotions have to be amplified, my patience has to run dry. Be it happiness or sadness.

Anyway, since my brother got married, which was on 24th of the last month, I’ve been on cloud nine. I have a new sister and I love having her around. The over all environment of our home has become happier. It’s been almost a week since I came back to Lahore and I’m already missing home. Things here are business as usual. Ups and downs. Sometimes things just get to me, like they did, last night. Words, carelessly spoken, not to harm or hurt but leaving their mark. Most of the time I ignore such stuff. Sometimes, I’m unable to. And then I curl into a ball under my quilt and cry myself to sleep. The day that follows, passes with me still hidden in my bed, eyes hurting. And the days following that, are some days spent ignoring people or giving curt replies until the gloom uplifts and hurt feelings get a proper funeral and are buried- yet again!

Well, nobody ever claimed that life is supposed to be easy. But hope is what keeps me going. Hope, that one day, the people I love would stop pushing me away.  Some day I would no longer have to contemplate untying the knots of my heart and leaving people who take me for granted. Don’t get me wrong here. I understand very well that nobody can stay with us for an eternity, at least not in this world. I don’t have any issue with death itself. What hurts is, seeing people you love, alive and well but drifting apart. I wish a life void of this fear.

Hey, a girl can wish and dream!

Anyway, I should part ways with you for tonight and my eyes still feel as if they have been filled with sand.

Until we meet again!!!

Reflections


Sometimes, a teacher learns from a student; a patient heals the healer, and imperfection saves your life…..

And sometimes, you don’t learn from your own mistakes, you don’t save yourself enough. You give out too much, keeping nothing for your own self. Falling in love again, after nursing a broken heart is brave but always ending up giving that love to the wrong persons, that where bravery ends. For I read somewhere that the amount of love you give out today is the amount of hurt you sign yourself up for. And most often than not, the things that we  love the most are the things that hurt us the most.

This post was not supposed to be this way but every single time that I’ve hurt anyone I love, has been a time when I hurt myself even more. I’m not the self destructive type, don’t get me wrong. I do some other kind of destruction, or rather my mind does. Sleepless nights, spent tossing and turning, crying behind closed doors, wanting to eat but even the thought of food making me nauseous, drawing or writing or even singing to try to control the pressure building inside…….

Why do I do it? Today I asked myself. And I’m not surprised at all, I didn’t have any answer.

“I just do-it’s just the way I am!”

I’m getting tired of this stupid, lame excuse!!!
I know myself, I can ignore people when I get tired of too much human interaction but I would never be able to ignore anyone out of anger. But this is me…… my heart just melts too easy. I’m the girl, who always ends up fighting for the wrong people and for all the wrong reason. That’s who I was and that’s who I am. Guess, some things just never change……..

Silent Torture


So many months of silent torture,
A year worth of wait.
What did love bring you?
Mere pain and his hate?!
What have you earned on this way?
Oh dear heart, aloud you must say.
What do you still get out of it?
Your life, on a fire, your true love lit.
Self torture, oh you masochistic heart.
You will stop messing,
If you were ever so smart.
A face you will only see in a picture
Is not going to be a permanent fixture
Why wait and be hopeful,why still care?
Why won’t you let me live? It’s not fair!
And dear mind, what’s wrong with you?
Being left behind, isn’t a feeling that’s new.
Enough with all these questions.
You know I don’t possess their answers.
Quit being so miserable without him.
I know it was true love, not just a whim.
You did whatever you could do.
When would you stop your pursuit?
Let the poor man live in peace.
His happiness may help your pain to ease.
I know you aren’t an artist or a saint,
But a perfect picture of love you did paint.
Romeo and Juliet could never be together.
That’s true love’s picture.

Sometimes Even The Supergirl Needs Saving


Life has a certain taint of irony to it. It is so fairly  unfair. It builds you up to break you down. It makes you euphoric only to send you spiraling down to depression. It’s easy to be alive and yet hard to live. Doors close to your face, and open behind you. It squeezes the life out of you, when you are not looking and fills you with the energy when you need it the least. Life is peculiar. And maybe that’s the only reason that it is so interesting to live.
Everyone knows her to be strong. Her friends call her supergirl. She calls herself, stubborn. When she’s stuck at a place, nothing moves her. People come, people argue, people bang their heads, they see a stone and people go. She doesn’t budge when things she’s passionate about are at stake. She’s that difficult but extremely easy as well.
She stands like a dude, in social gatherings she’s almost mute. She hates people and yet loves to save them. She’s a sucker for misery and pain. Can’t stand either of those. Emotions rule her and so does a level head. She doesn’t love, she melts. In anger she’s a grenade with its pin out. She’s the kind of person who would die for the ones she loves. And here’s where the life brings a twist.
A girl, who runs to save the world- the world of her beloveds, when she needs saving, people put their foot on her cape. Sometimes, bigger hurts are easier to endure, with patience. and at other times, little things may make her to cry her eyes out.
She’s patient, she will give you space. She gives so many chances before you can actually break her. She won’t ask you to fight beside her- NEVER! But, is it asking too much if she sometimes wishes you to stand close and do nothing? Just watch her while she saves the world?
Where does the supergirl or a superwoman go, when she’s hurt? Who tends to her wounds? Who tells her, that everything would be okay, that life is difficult but she”s not a quitter?
You know what the problem here is?!
If a girl is strong, people start expecting her to be invincible. They think that a strong woman won’t break. But even the supergirl gets hurt with Kryptonite, that does serious damage. She’s strong but she’s not immune to emotions. Sometimes, even the supergirl needs saving…….

The Walls I Love


I have loved the walls,
I have loved the bricks.
Taking slow poison,
By a needle’s pricks.
Sad as it seems,
I couldn’t come near.
To see the real you,
I was ruled by fear.
Can’t decide though,
Who’s the real fool.
You being so blind,
Or letting my heart rule.
You were never mine to lose
Falling for you, I didn’t choose.
You must be bad,so I’m glad
Having you, the chance I never had.
Passion, pleasure rule my days.
Hard work in love never pays.