Diary Entry: Hope


 

You know one of those times, when words fail you because you are being too emotional?! This isn’t one of those times for me. I’ve spent so long, being miserable when things didn’t go my way or when I wanted to write but a bad case of writer’s block had  my words and senses in a knot. Nothing has changed tonight either. I’ve just mustered up enough courage to write again. Its been so long since I wrote last. I’ve missed this feeling of elation inside. I’ve missed my voice, my words. In real world, things have gone for the worse. My words have lost meaning. I’ve lost a LOT of my positivity and enthusiasm for life.
People keep telling me life is hard. I believe it not to be true. Its the people who make even the simplest of things harder. I’ve made a habit of detoxifying my life of such toxic people but the culture I’ve been born and raised in, doesn’t allow some of those people to be entirely cut off from my life. So, I’m just waiting for a time when I would be able to leave all of this behind and focus ahead without being afraid that someone would put a foot on my cape the moment I got the power to fly.
I know, I know. I’m a dreamer. I dream of freedom. I plan and plan and plan until I’m exhausted. The more I try building myself up, the worse the blows get. Sometimes I get so tired of it all. But I try not to write of such unhappy thoughts.
I have hit the rock bottom of my worse self. I don’t know how to pick myself back up, without losing important parts of me in the process. But looking back towards the kind of person I was even 5 years ago, I cannot help but sigh. All that energy, all that chaos has gone poof! All that remains is a rotten shell that bacteria probably eat away at. Maybe, it would make the bacteria sick or maybe the bacteria would successfully decompose it and mix it with soil to help create new life. Ugh! I can only hope!!!
Okay, enough of the unhinged talk. I just happened to read something I wrote the last time here. I almost didn’t recognise the “me” who typed those words. It felt as if I was writing to soothe myself, which perhaps was the case. I almost didn’t recognize my own words because they were adorned with a light sprinkle of humor. Light within the darkness. This has been me all along. I understand it now. Its a part of me. I just have to dig inside and find it again. I just have to keep faith and hope…

Advertisements

Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

Diary Entry: Help!!!


Someone, please shut this chatterbox up for a little bit. My senses and my ears are almost fried! It’s my seat mate. She’s been blabbering away on her phone for more than an hour. It’s grown increasingly annoying. I need hep! I truly wish that strangling someone annoying was legal. I’d probably do it for free then.

Ugh!!!

Anyway, it rained today, in Lahore. I’m on my way back home. For the first time in my life, I saw a quarter of a rainbow, which was kinda beautiful. Yes I feel that there is a certain kind of beauty in the incomplete things. There is an amazing aura around the people who aren’t perfect.
I got super excited and happy today. My ma’am was on her way back to Lahore from Islamabad and I was heading to Daewoo terminal as well, for my departure to Sialkot. It was such a happy little unexpected meeting and it’s left me so full of energy and excitement that I can barely contain myself; the reason I’m here once again.

My writer’s block has been head-on and strong for past couple of months. I haven’t written even a single word of the novel I started writing. I’ve done pretty much nothing in these past months. Research was going well until today when my supervisor asked me to increase the length by at least 20 pages. I dunno how I’m gonna pull that off since one major reason of delay in my novel completion is my total and utter inability to drag things when they can very well be said in half of the words. Anyway, it doesn’t hurt to try!

Oh, and I wanted to remember three days of this month. First is August 14 and other two are August 20 and 21. 14 because me and my little sister went to see the air show in Islamabad. 20 and 21st because both the company and the destination of that journey were very dear to me. I love them. Islamabad, the city and my Ma’am as the companion for the journey. I love them both, dearly! It was an overwhelming double treat! And the best part is, she wasn’t my teacher during that whole journey. She was a friend. It felt like she was family, nothing less.
I know, I know, I tend to overdo things but the way I feel about her, it’s precious! She’s precious! I would never want to lose that feeling. I don’t know what came over me that day, on our journey back, I almost bared my whole soul in front of her. I guess, not everyone makes you feel the urge to share. And for me, the feeling is rather rare than it’s for most people I guess. But it was liberating and a very thought provoking experience to finally have that kind of a blessing in my life. I’m so thankful for that!

Ah, Alhamdulillah! My neighbour has finally stopped talking. And thank goodness, she’s not reading my laptop screen or she would’ve tried throwing me out of the bus.

Time for me to go as well. I wanna see something fun before I reach my city, so, until next time……!

Cheerios!

Diary Entry:So long….


Dear Diary,

It’s been a long while, I know, I know! There was a time when I used to write regularly. Sometimes even twice or thrice in the same day. But times have changed. I still have so much to say, all the time but there are other things that keep my mind clogged all the time. Anyway, it’s almost the end of my 2nd semester here at Lahore Garrison University and the journey has been slightly bumpy but full of learning and fun. I’m happy here, Alhamdulillah! I don’t like Lahore and I still desperately miss Islamabad but when it’s time to leave, I’m going to miss my teacher so very much!
Anyway, I should be working on my case reports which were due yesterday but there was something inside me, stopping me from actually getting on with my work. My internal alarm is buzzing slightly telling me something awful is just waiting to happen. It’s  strong enough to make me restless. And that’s how I ended up writing here, instead of working on my case reports(my supervisor might kill me for being 2 days late >.< ). We had a meeting with our head of department yesterday. All the class representatives were present. In the past, I always used to get frustrated inside because whenever there were any competitions held in the uni, we, the post graduate classes in particular and my whole department in general, were never told about them until it was already too late to participate. And now, they need our active participation in different activities. That’s kinda good news, I guess. The times have changed for the better!
Most of the activities involve writing stuff. University magazine is about to come out and we are supposed to send in our work as well. First to the department, then they would choose which ones to forward to literary society. I wonder sometimes, why am I not a part of the literary society. But then my mind laughs and says “nice joke!” :p Yes i write but I don’t write anything of a substance. I really need to work on that. And yeah, I know I’m a helluva lazy person, which reminds me, I still haven’t completed the research work that I was supposed to do for a conference. I’m lagging behind and writing stuff that isn’t coming directly from my mind or the one that has facts and figures, it exhausts me, so MUCH! The conference has been moved to August, which isn’t a very comforting news. And what the hell am I doing anyway, trying to conduct researches?! I don’t even like research work! 😐 I know my teacher is the culprit behind this erratic behaviour of mine. She talks to inspire and her smile, it adds magic. She got to me like she gets to most people and I love her for that!
Ughhh, the case studies- I seriously hate them! I mean, the actual work is fun. But writing detailed histories and all the repetitive stuff…… it’s exhausting! I must go now. Have a long way to go before I am done with them :/

Ciao!

Diary Entry:Promises


Dear diary,

for once I didn’t have to think hard to choose a title for my post. It’s a biggie in my world, where I totally suck at picking titles. Anyway, I was just sitting idle, thinking about my teacher, whom by the way I love but who isn’t talking to me for some days now. She’s pissed at me or walking for an hour and ending up with blisters on my feet, which by the way, have healed. But she’s still pissed. And I don’t know if there is more that’s been fueling her anger. She talks to me fine when we are around each other in the university but she’s been on constant one or two syllable replies when I try to talk her to open the flood gates. I know I deserve a good scolding. That’s something I can deal with. The silence is just something I can’t take and digest. But boy! is she stubborn!!!
Well, I get it, she’s giving me a taste of my own medicine. But I would never hold out on someone for so long. It’s been a week now. And as simple as that, I miss her. I miss her very very much. I miss talking to her, laughing with her, pulling goofy jokes at her, just to see her smile one more time or imagine her smiling. She has the most wonderful smile. She’s beautiful in her own cheeky way.
And I miss her! All the time. I actually feel down right now, and sort of upset on not being able to talk to her, even though I realize that now that she is the head of department, she is even more busy than before and she’s already a workaholic too. But I miss her so badly.
Now I know why my mum keeps lecturing me about not coming off as too intense. I get it, perfectly well. I guess love and I, we don’t go well together. And yes she is stubborn but I’m the Queen of stubbornness. I won’t give up on her. At least, I don’t plan on it. And for an nth time, I don’t know what to do…….
This reminds me of one of my patients. We are not actually allowed to talk about them but I guess he won’t mind because he’s such a good kid. Well, his father told me during an interview that this kid is amazing when it comes to giving advise. His ideas are sincere and well thought and foolproof. But the kid complained that he can’t decide stuff for his own self. He kept thinking that his decisions would mess things up. I feel like him right now. I mean, not that I’m claiming that I’m good at giving advice but the next part. I’m sucking right now, at telling myself what to do next. And I have a case report to formulate. I have no desire to work on it and no motivation either. Even though I know it’s due tomorrow. I guess I’ll just eat dinner and go to sleep and freakout in the morning- again!
Guess it’s Ciao for now.

Diary Entry:LGU Times


Dear Diary,
It’s mid term exam time and as usual I’m sitting blank. I don’t even know what my subject name is, so basically I’m screwed >_<  Anxiety level is a little bit higher but instead of preparing for my exam, I’m preparing for a presentation. I guess, I will start preparation an hour or so before I actually have to write, which is absurd and daring on my part. Perhaps a little too daring even for me, seeing that it’s a new place I’m in and this place is definitely not IIUI :/
Well, as usual I’m writing in here when clearly I need to be studying. I guess this writing is one big reason I don’t freak out when I’m about to be overwhelmed. Oh, and the best creative ideas seem to have some kind of grudge with me. They come when I can’t write them down either because of lack of enough time or resources. Plus, writer’s block sucks big time!
SIST 2016 is right around the corner and I’m not prepared for it even in the slightest. I guess, it’s because I’m not participating in the categories that I’m the best at- Tajweed and Nasheed. This time I’m doing something I have no idea how to do :p Journalism and Spoken word. And the theme this year is also a bit difficult for my “sleeping-for-an-eternity-brain.” I know, winning isn’t everything. It’s just the plus point of competing. But It scares the crap out of me to even thing about the theme this time.
“The Future Awaits: What’s Next?”
I mean, how in the world am I supposed to know the future???!!! And how am I supposed to write about it when I don’t know it?! And that too with a dumb mind :/ I can’t concentrate :/
Anyway, it’s a test I need to pass and it’s something I love. Plus, participation in SIST as a Youth Club team member, is an honour in itself and it’s way better than not participating or missing SIST altogether! Not winning is kinda okay but not okay. Well I guess I will have to get back to it AFTER my exams >.<
Anyway,I must go and try to study for a bit. I hope I do succeed this time :/
Until next time (which would be soon enough-lets say before Psychopathology exam >.< )
Chao!

Diary entry 121


Dear diary,
my finals have started. Today was my first exam. It went great alhamdulillah. I’m glad it’s over! No more Psychological testing, thank goodness!!! My head is a little out of water but it’s still more under. Until my Mental Health and Psychopathology 2 paper isn’t over, I wont be able to breathe properly. And Gawd, I’m so distracted these days, completely out of focus and don’t even have the motivation to study. I think I wouldn’t even study if I didn’t have to help my friend with her preparation. Just today, I saw two movies. And don’t even get me started on my sleep. I mean I have always had a very sound sleep and now I’m missing it so much! Every night, I wake up without any reason or need at all,just like that. My eyes open, head spins a little, I check my cell phone, close my eyes and in the next instant, I’m fast asleep again. It happens almost 2 to 3 times every night and as many times in the day. I tire my mind so much these days thinking that today I will most definitely sleep till late. But it never happens. Yeah, this means I have to take lots of naps during the day. And guess what, just when I try to study, my eyes start closing :-/
Today, I didn’t sleep in the day so hopefully I will get a peaceful night’s sleep. I’m so yearning for it!
There is a little kid that I wish to be able to kiss before he grows older. I think I’m in love with him. He’s 3 and a half months old and his laughter and smiles are so endearing that its difficult to see him but not being able to touch him. Actually, he’s my “alien buddy’s” nephew and he’s a complete darling!
I dunno if and when I’ll be able to meet him. Yup, it makes me sad that I can’t. He reminds me of the little me. The 4-year-old me. One who was obsessed with infants and new-born babies. I love him with the same passion of that little girl who used to spend hours and hours in CMH Nowshehra nursery, looking at the babies, touching their soft hands and cheeks, talking to the “Sister” on duty. I wanna do that again but seems like I wont get to do that unless its my own baby we are talking about. And I dunno how many years that would take but I’m sure it’s a lot of years I’m talking about.
And now I miss my home and my little cousins.with whom I play at home.
Arrghhhh, this stupid little emotional fool heart of mine, and an equally masochistic brain to go with it……. Wont you two rest before I have a nervous breakdown?! :-/ (God forbid! I don’t want that to happen.)
And my mind seems to be enjoying this writing exercise today( I totally hate you at this very moment. I wanted to sleep!!!)
Oh, I forgot to mention, evening walks in the lawn have been added to my routine(naah,not regular but I guess they would become so.)Yup, I’m shocked too.
And I look like a zombie again,with so many dark circles around my eyes :-/ (as if I care!)
I should probably go before I spill out any of my deep dark secrets, which by the way, I’m inclining towards doing.
I will see you when I see you!