Diary Entry: Hope


 

You know one of those times, when words fail you because you are being too emotional?! This isn’t one of those times for me. I’ve spent so long, being miserable when things didn’t go my way or when I wanted to write but a bad case of writer’s block had  my words and senses in a knot. Nothing has changed tonight either. I’ve just mustered up enough courage to write again. Its been so long since I wrote last. I’ve missed this feeling of elation inside. I’ve missed my voice, my words. In real world, things have gone for the worse. My words have lost meaning. I’ve lost a LOT of my positivity and enthusiasm for life.
People keep telling me life is hard. I believe it not to be true. Its the people who make even the simplest of things harder. I’ve made a habit of detoxifying my life of such toxic people but the culture I’ve been born and raised in, doesn’t allow some of those people to be entirely cut off from my life. So, I’m just waiting for a time when I would be able to leave all of this behind and focus ahead without being afraid that someone would put a foot on my cape the moment I got the power to fly.
I know, I know. I’m a dreamer. I dream of freedom. I plan and plan and plan until I’m exhausted. The more I try building myself up, the worse the blows get. Sometimes I get so tired of it all. But I try not to write of such unhappy thoughts.
I have hit the rock bottom of my worse self. I don’t know how to pick myself back up, without losing important parts of me in the process. But looking back towards the kind of person I was even 5 years ago, I cannot help but sigh. All that energy, all that chaos has gone poof! All that remains is a rotten shell that bacteria probably eat away at. Maybe, it would make the bacteria sick or maybe the bacteria would successfully decompose it and mix it with soil to help create new life. Ugh! I can only hope!!!
Okay, enough of the unhinged talk. I just happened to read something I wrote the last time here. I almost didn’t recognise the “me” who typed those words. It felt as if I was writing to soothe myself, which perhaps was the case. I almost didn’t recognize my own words because they were adorned with a light sprinkle of humor. Light within the darkness. This has been me all along. I understand it now. Its a part of me. I just have to dig inside and find it again. I just have to keep faith and hope…

Diary Entry: Reformation, I hope!


Dear diary,

Today I cut my own hair for the first time, which considering how much I love my hair, is a huge transition. And I kinda love the change I’ve been wanting for so long. But I just wish, like this little change, other things were easier to change too. Like my heart or its ability to love to the moon and back. Hah! Fat chance, I know 🙂 Anyway, I think my diaries have been linked so much to my emotions and feelings. Or rather the emotional turmoil. I am writing after such a long gap. I’ve thought about the reason of my prolonged absence. And arrived at the conclusion that during all these past months when I was inactive, I wanted to write, very often but perhaps I was going through a state of emotional stagnation. Well, my emotions were not exactly stagnant but I didn’t feel them touch their peaks or the depths for that matter. Thus the long silence. It seems that in order to write, my emotions have to be amplified, my patience has to run dry. Be it happiness or sadness.

Anyway, since my brother got married, which was on 24th of the last month, I’ve been on cloud nine. I have a new sister and I love having her around. The over all environment of our home has become happier. It’s been almost a week since I came back to Lahore and I’m already missing home. Things here are business as usual. Ups and downs. Sometimes things just get to me, like they did, last night. Words, carelessly spoken, not to harm or hurt but leaving their mark. Most of the time I ignore such stuff. Sometimes, I’m unable to. And then I curl into a ball under my quilt and cry myself to sleep. The day that follows, passes with me still hidden in my bed, eyes hurting. And the days following that, are some days spent ignoring people or giving curt replies until the gloom uplifts and hurt feelings get a proper funeral and are buried- yet again!

Well, nobody ever claimed that life is supposed to be easy. But hope is what keeps me going. Hope, that one day, the people I love would stop pushing my buttons. Some day I would no longer have to contemplate untying the knots of my heart and leaving people who take me for granted. Don’t get me wrong here. I understand very well that nobody can stay with us for an eternity, at least not in this world. I don’t have any issue with death itself. What hurts is, seeing people you love, alive and well but drifting apart. I wish a life void of this fear.

Hey, a girl can wish and dream!

Anyway, I should part ways with you for tonight and my eyes still feel as if they have been filled with sand.

Until we meet again!!!

The Happy Poem


I wanna learn how to tango 😆
N I wanna play with guns.
I wanna dress like a medieval huntress,
And a like a snow princess.
I wish to read every book written,
Every series and movie I wanna see.
I wish to learn interesting stuff,
And help people in need.
High hopes, raging war inside,
I guess, a Warrior is what I’ll be
Merlin794

Diary Entry: Going Home


Dear diary,
I’m going home, today. For how long, I don’t know. What am I gonna do there, that’s a big mystery too. It’s been 5 years now, I’ve been out of my place, away from my folks….. And I’m going home now and I don’t know them much anymore- they don’t know me much either. Its not like I don’t visit. But weekends aren’t really enough when most of that time, you spend in your journey. Anyway, I’m hoping that they won’t try to clip my wings. They are small but they are mine, nevertheless. And they know how much I love my freedom and it’s one thing I never compromise on. The day when this truly sank in my mind, that my degree has been completed and I can’t stay here anymore, I felt weird. I wanted to stay. I know my mind set didn’t change too much but it certainly wasn’t conservative in the first place….unlike people back at my home station. Anyway, I know I might have to do a LOT of fighting and standing up back there. It’s fine with me as long as I don’t hurt anybody’s feelings. I know I would tread with care but I know I am no more the kind of person I used to be and I slip up, more than once,in a while. I am quick to anger-AGAIN :/ but I’m quick at letting go as well. I’ve been suffering from “Negativitis” for past two nights but I’m still hoping for the best while preparing my mind for the worst as well. Goodness!I’m getting late!
I gotta go. Dunno when I would be able to write next or if I would be able to, at all!
No, It’s not a goodbye. I will manage to come back somehow, in sha Allah!
Writing here has been a constant help in my effort to release stress and anxiety- and I already feel better. Okay, I really gotta run now!

P.S: Until we meet again 🙂

Diary entry 117


Dear diary,
Today’s exam went great with one little regret or lets say misfortune but that’s all. I’m more focused, more alert today. Don’t know for how long, but I’m enjoying every moment of being serious and focused. It rarely happens for me,so I’m trying to benefit from it as much as I can.
Some days back, I saw the movie called “Her.” It sure is a lovely movie. But one thing I loved was the guy’s job. I mean,seriously, he dictated some beautiful stuff. And so powerful that it would make one fall in love. I secretly envy his job :-p I mean, why does he get to do the most interesting job in a most interesting way and I don’t? Yeah,I know,it’s just a movie. It isn’t real. but if it ever is, I know now what my dream job would be!
Dearie, one more exam to go. Then I would be able to have some respite, hopefully.
Did I tell you that I feel uneasy when I’m in a crowded place? Well,it happened again,today. I went to the market place and was so uncomfortable after half an hour or so,that I had to practically drag my roommate to get the hell out of the place. Still a little bit of claustrophobic I guess. Every single time seems like its stronger the past. Who knows for sure. Anyway, for the first time I feel kinda light and free. Enjoying every moment of it.
But I should be careful not to get too used to it. Some people actually have to work hard to be happy in life. I guess, with the talents I’ve been bestowed with, I have a little harder test than most. Off course, it doesn’t get any easier. But still I’m happy to be me.
indexAnd I feel it in my bones!!!

Where the flowers bloom


“You have to stand for the right thing,even if it means that you have to stand alone.”
The words still ring in my ears, the words of my “Introduction to law” teacher. I thought I knew what it meant. I thought I understood. But I couldn’t be more wrong. But today I know for sure how it happens. You keep your mouth shut and everyone likes you, the moment you object to something, you become the bad person. And YES, you stand alone,literally!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you.Cry and you cry alone!”
I couldn’t be more blessed than I feel right now. Every thing happening around me is giving me hints, what should I do, how should I deal with my current predicament. What should be my plan of action. I feel somewhat free, from the clutches of self-doubt and fear of rejection,my fear of losing people I love. It smells like salvation, like spring, like a chance to actually leave my stagnation behind and grow, a chance to spread my wings and fly away, a chance at happiness!

Coming back from market today just gave me this comforting idea. Roads are under construction near my university and most of the area has been dug out. But there,amidst the construction equipment and little places where there is still some part of mud visible, I could see flowers, in their full bloom. The flowers that grew on their own,without someone actually having to plant them. This got me thinking, if this isn’t a  sign, which miracle are you waiting for?
Now I know, why I am tried and tested every day, scratched and left to bleed every once a week. It has a higher purpose. I’m tested at every turn to prepare for the biggest and the most beautiful blooming, for the best spring the naked eye can witness. Oh sure, things get so hard once in a while, but if the end is good, who cares what happened on the way. After all,Earth doesn’t produce the best of its fruits without being prodded and poked. I get it now.
I wanted to go some place where the flowers bloom, where there is no gloom. What I failed to realize was that I was that place I was dreaming about. I was that place where I wanted to go. ME! The only miracle present here is my own self.
And you know what, I’m happy that I realized this finally!!!