Diary Entry: Going Home


Dear diary,
I’m going home, today. For how long, I don’t know. What am I gonna do there, that’s a big mystery too. It’s been 5 years now, I’ve been out of my place, away from my folks….. And I’m going home now and I don’t know them much anymore- they don’t know me much either. Its not like I don’t visit. But weekends aren’t really enough when most of that time, you spend in your journey. Anyway, I’m hoping that they won’t try to clip my wings. They are small but they are mine, nevertheless. And they know how much I love my freedom and it’s one thing I never compromise on. The day when this truly sank in my mind, that my degree has been completed and I can’t stay here anymore, I felt weird. I wanted to stay. I know my mind set didn’t change too much but it certainly wasn’t conservative in the first place….unlike people back at my home station. Anyway, I know I might have to do a LOT of fighting and standing up back there. It’s fine with me as long as I don’t hurt anybody’s feelings. I know I would tread with care but I know I am no more the kind of person I used to be and I slip up, more than once,in a while. I am quick to anger-AGAIN :/ but I’m quick at letting go as well. I’ve been suffering from “Negativitis” for past two nights but I’m still hoping for the best while preparing my mind for the worst as well. Goodness!I’m getting late!
I gotta go. Dunno when I would be able to write next or if I would be able to, at all!
No, It’s not a goodbye. I will manage to come back somehow, in sha Allah!
Writing here has been a constant help in my effort to release stress and anxiety- and I already feel better. Okay, I really gotta run now!

P.S: Until we meet again 🙂

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Diary entry 121


Dear diary,
my finals have started. Today was my first exam. It went great alhamdulillah. I’m glad it’s over! No more Psychological testing, thank goodness!!! My head is a little out of water but it’s still more under. Until my Mental Health and Psychopathology 2 paper isn’t over, I wont be able to breathe properly. And Gawd, I’m so distracted these days, completely out of focus and don’t even have the motivation to study. I think I wouldn’t even study if I didn’t have to help my friend with her preparation. Just today, I saw two movies. And don’t even get me started on my sleep. I mean I have always had a very sound sleep and now I’m missing it so much! Every night, I wake up without any reason or need at all,just like that. My eyes open, head spins a little, I check my cell phone, close my eyes and in the next instant, I’m fast asleep again. It happens almost 2 to 3 times every night and as many times in the day. I tire my mind so much these days thinking that today I will most definitely sleep till late. But it never happens. Yeah, this means I have to take lots of naps during the day. And guess what, just when I try to study, my eyes start closing :-/
Today, I didn’t sleep in the day so hopefully I will get a peaceful night’s sleep. I’m so yearning for it!
There is a little kid that I wish to be able to kiss before he grows older. I think I’m in love with him. He’s 3 and a half months old and his laughter and smiles are so endearing that its difficult to see him but not being able to touch him. Actually, he’s my “alien buddy’s” nephew and he’s a complete darling!
I dunno if and when I’ll be able to meet him. Yup, it makes me sad that I can’t. He reminds me of the little me. The 4-year-old me. One who was obsessed with infants and new-born babies. I love him with the same passion of that little girl who used to spend hours and hours in CMH Nowshehra nursery, looking at the babies, touching their soft hands and cheeks, talking to the “Sister” on duty. I wanna do that again but seems like I wont get to do that unless its my own baby we are talking about. And I dunno how many years that would take but I’m sure it’s a lot of years I’m talking about.
And now I miss my home and my little cousins.with whom I play at home.
Arrghhhh, this stupid little emotional fool heart of mine, and an equally masochistic brain to go with it……. Wont you two rest before I have a nervous breakdown?! :-/ (God forbid! I don’t want that to happen.)
And my mind seems to be enjoying this writing exercise today( I totally hate you at this very moment. I wanted to sleep!!!)
Oh, I forgot to mention, evening walks in the lawn have been added to my routine(naah,not regular but I guess they would become so.)Yup, I’m shocked too.
And I look like a zombie again,with so many dark circles around my eyes :-/ (as if I care!)
I should probably go before I spill out any of my deep dark secrets, which by the way, I’m inclining towards doing.
I will see you when I see you!

Diary entry 112


Dear diary,
I used to fear I would die without even learning how to drive. That’s not fair,I always thought. But today I have a new and stronger resolve. I’m gonna try my level best not to die before I learn how to drive. Off course I can’t do anything but hope that it happens as I want it to be.
Dear diary, the pain inside has kinda subsided. I still miss my family but I didn’t go home today as I decided that I should stay here and deal with my choices. The aerobatics Air show by Pakistan Air Force went down the drain. It got cancelled and my sacrifice was all for nothing. Nope, I’m still a patriot. A lazy patriot of a lazy nation. Here the weather became the deciding factor but who cares. The thing is, I wasn’t able to see the 1st air show that I wanted to see. I wasn’t able to see the premiere of Divergent because I was alone. I regretted not being home. But now I don’t feel that. I guess it happened for the best. Ain’t it what people say? Yeah. So, I’m gonna go with it too 😀
Anyway,the day was as event-less as it can possible go. But I’m learning to enjoy amidst all the solitude. And I have to say,it’s not going as well as it used to be in the past. I guess I have contracted the germs of someone who enjoys good company. I wonder who could it be.
Anyway, my body is pretty tired after doing absolutely nothing, the whole day. I wonder how I manage to get tired without even lifting an arm to do anything useful :-/
Excuse me, I should attend to myself now I guess.
See you again,if life permits!

Diary entry 111


Dear diary,
Its been too long since I wrote anything last.I have missed not writing but every time I wanted to write something, words failed me. Yeah,you guessed right. Writer’s block. I hate the feeling but have to live with it like all others do. Dear diary,I’ve been missing my little sister so  much since yesterday night. Its been hard on me. All I wanna do right now, is to take her in my arms and hug her tight. I dunno why but it’s so strong that I might even get ready to go home tomorrow morning. Well you know how impulsive I have been these past some months. Like just today, I had an extreme craving for chocolate cake. I could not hold myself back. So I went out,even though I hate to go out alone or after rain. But I went anyway. Brought a cake and ate with my roommates. Oh,my new roommate is from Kazakhstan. She’s a nice person. A person of little words like me and my old roommates. So I guess this is good. We wont bother each other much.
And I still miss my little sister even after writing about it. The feeling is still strong but I can’t just jump on a bus and go home right now. Well,that’s not entirely true.I can if I want to but I’m not allowed to do just that. So I guess I’ll have to wait for the morning.
Dear diary, Divergent movie is in theaters here in Pakistan but I have no friend present here to watch it with. Yeah,I was extremely excited about it. Last night I completed Allegiant. I guess Tris’ death is one reason of me being down. Yeah,It was extremely difficult to stop myself from crying, reading all the raw and broken feelings at the end of the book. I have to say, I wanted her to live and have a chance at a happy life with Tobias. Hell,he deserved to be happy. But the writer clearly didn’t want that. God! I hate tragic endings. No wonder I’m still down. It was a big disappointment. I had to remind every time my tears were close to spilling,that it’s just a story and then my inside shouted,yeah,a story that you fell in love with!
Oh,yeah,love hurts! It’s like a stab in chest only it isn’t a single stab. Its more like repeated stabbing to get all the life out of me sometimes. But I survive,every single time. You know,this isn’t fair!!!
Anyway, I still miss my family. Seems like this weekend is “missing my family weekend.”
I might as well go home in the morning and quench my thirst. I can’t decide :-/

Okay,this isn’t making me feel any better. So I should probably give it a rest.
See you soon, and hopefully,In  better mood.
Chao

For the last time


imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………

diary entry 90


Dear diary,
Girls side is buzzing with the news of strike from hostelites in the morning. Our ex-Provost and my Head of Department,when she was made to leave the office of Provost,people here were so happy (including me.I don’t like her even a little bit) But then the new Provost came and made some ridiculous rules. The girls who used to fight when their mess bill was anywhere near 2000 Rs are furious because provost fixed the amount to 5000 Rs,irrespective of how many meals were taken.
Then there is the rule that every girl has to return to hostel before 5p.m and regular classes end at 05:30 p.m and at 08:30p.m for MS students.
God save the Queen!
There are some more rules like going home only on weekends,washing our clothes only on weekends,can’t use university transport except on Sundays,can’t go home after 5p.m unless our family comes to pick us from hostel.No internet after 1 a.m.
I mean seriously,did she think she would get away with these rules and girls wont say a word?
And to add spark to the fuel,most of university related pages of facebook have practically become a war-front for males and females.Females are so touchy about the subject that they would gladly lecture anyone who tries to antagonize them tonight and you know guys. . . .they are doing just “That!!!”
I am a very neutral kinda person most of the time.But,hell,even I have objection on some of those rules.If I go home on a weekend,there is no way I can make it back to hostel before 5p.m unless I start my journey at 10 am or so.Leaving uni on Friday reaching home on Friday night and then again leaving for uni early on Sunday morning.Its like going just to touch my destination and running back to the pavilion.I’m not competing in a race for God’s sake!
:-/
Anyway,If there is a strike I would be sure to be a part of it.Even if it means getting out of my bed at 5am and marching towards transport office and blocking the way of my uni buses.Not to get those rules changed,but just for the sake of fun 😉

Anyway,my meds are making me drowsy again-ALREADY!!! :/

Catch you later,if life permits 🙂

Diary entry 80


Dear diary,

Life is good. It has been,for past some time.Went home,enjoyed a LOT.But then came the time for my return and things went from normal to a disaster.Curfew in Rawalpindi and some parts of Islamabad…….

Anyway,there is something I wrote back at home that I’d love to share it here.But I feel like the timing couldn’t be more crappy.So I’m thinking about putting it here or leaving it alone for some time.I dunno,can’t decide.

It’s still half written.And I don’t really know whats freakin’ happening to me.Why do I have difficulty in completing my thoughts these days?Yeah,that’s going to be a big thorn in my feet if I don’t do anything about it.So,I’m going to concentrate on getting myself back on track from now on.
*Sigh*

Being able to write is a blessing at times and such a curse at other times.

Anyway,getting late for my salah.Gotta go.

P.S:Coming up soon,the piece I was talking about.Keep your fingers crossed 😉