Love happened anyway


It’s a dangerous path a friend said.
Don’t let love mess with your head.
I’ll be on my guard, I replied.
And I swear before God, I tried.
But love happened anyway!

It was all new and overwhelming
Beauteous became everything
Pleasures amplified ten folds.
One face, eyes wanted to behold.
Yes, love happened!

I would keep dreaming all day
No time to eat, no time to play.
Come home, my dear loved one.
My pride, happiness, my joy, my fun
Seriously, love happened!

What was yours is now mine
Heart so kind, beauty divine
Sunshine for smile, touch so tender
Warmth and life, your one glance render
Oh boy, love happened!

Where the flowers bloom


“You have to stand for the right thing,even if it means that you have to stand alone.”
The words still ring in my ears, the words of my “Introduction to law” teacher. I thought I knew what it meant. I thought I understood. But I couldn’t be more wrong. But today I know for sure how it happens. You keep your mouth shut and everyone likes you, the moment you object to something, you become the bad person. And YES, you stand alone,literally!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you.Cry and you cry alone!”
I couldn’t be more blessed than I feel right now. Every thing happening around me is giving me hints, what should I do, how should I deal with my current predicament. What should be my plan of action. I feel somewhat free, from the clutches of self-doubt and fear of rejection,my fear of losing people I love. It smells like salvation, like spring, like a chance to actually leave my stagnation behind and grow, a chance to spread my wings and fly away, a chance at happiness!

Coming back from market today just gave me this comforting idea. Roads are under construction near my university and most of the area has been dug out. But there,amidst the construction equipment and little places where there is still some part of mud visible, I could see flowers, in their full bloom. The flowers that grew on their own,without someone actually having to plant them. This got me thinking, if this isn’t a  sign, which miracle are you waiting for?
Now I know, why I am tried and tested every day, scratched and left to bleed every once a week. It has a higher purpose. I’m tested at every turn to prepare for the biggest and the most beautiful blooming, for the best spring the naked eye can witness. Oh sure, things get so hard once in a while, but if the end is good, who cares what happened on the way. After all,Earth doesn’t produce the best of its fruits without being prodded and poked. I get it now.
I wanted to go some place where the flowers bloom, where there is no gloom. What I failed to realize was that I was that place I was dreaming about. I was that place where I wanted to go. ME! The only miracle present here is my own self.
And you know what, I’m happy that I realized this finally!!!

Diary entry 110


Dear diary,
its not cold outside but I’m feeling cold. Even the quilt I have on isn’t enough. Perhaps its because I feel cold inside, void of any warmth of love. I don’t feel love for anyone or anything in this very moment. I even hate myself without any apparent reason. But I’d be damned if I denied knowing the reason this time. I know whats wrong with me. I just don’t wanna share the reason with anyone,not even myself!
I’ve been thinking. Actually, I’ve been thinking a LOT lately. And its true that if you over think any matter, negative thoughts start to claw at your heart. I don’t want that to happen to me but seems like its already in motion. So, I’m writing this to let go of any and every negative feeling that I have encountered in past half hour or so. And surprisingly, I’m hungry. Do you think over-thinking can have that effect on people?
Well, I have to run now or my stomach would start growling.
See ya!

Diary entry 102


Dear diary,
I have been very bad in past two years. I’m not the same person as I was in my 1st semester in uni. But My class fellows and friends still think me to be that good girl I used to be. Yes, they think me to be something I’m not. What made me realize this,are you wondering? (off course you can’t wonder.You are a diary! But lets just say you are :p )
Well,I didn’t tell you, both my competitions went well alhamdulillah!
In Tajweed competition,I did I mistake and to cover it,I had to recite the ayah again which meant I exceeded 13 seconds from the time allowed (4 mins). And when I came back I was a bit dejected. Last year I was the one and only winner. This year I was an embarrassment for myself!
Anyway,the day ended well. Went to Ayubia with my family and my aunt’s family. Tried to practice my nasheed on our way. Because the 1st competition, I wasn’t sure I could win, so I had to do something in the 2nd one.
The day of competition came and again I did a mistake while singing the nasheed I had chosen. I covered it well but something inside me said “Good going Girl!Lets go home, sit in a dark room and celebrate your defeat.”
But a teammate asked me to stop till the end of the whole Islamic Conference. I did. And I dunno if it was my luck or if it was fate that stopped me there that day. A big thanks to that teammate of mine. Staying there I got to witness some of the most beautiful happenings.
A brother in Islam(Br John Fontain) came from UK to give a speech,”A heart that changed its beat!”
I witnessed,him giving Maghreb Adhan,with hundreds of other people watching and some recording that precious moment. At that moment all I could think was, How lucky this man is.So many people have witnessed him,proclaiming that Allah is one and supreme.We’ll all be his witnesses on the day of Judgement.
And then I looked inward.What do I have to take with me? I was a chosen one too.And what did I do?Where did my knowledge go?What did I do with my life?
Yes,I was in tears at that very moment. Deciding that somewhere along the way,I had stopped being good,but it was about time that I went back to being a good Muslim.

And then the time for closing ceremony and prize distribution came. In that moment I wished so much to have gone earlier when I had the chance to go with my parents back to my hostel. My heart started pounding hard in my chest. As the moderator started announcing the winners in each category of competition,my team mates started going down to the stage to get their certificates.I kept congratulating them on their positions,and praying on the same time that,my performance wasn’t good enough but my little sister’s was great.So let her win,let her win,let her win. . . . . .
And then Positions for Brothers’ Tajweed.First good news that made me hopeful,unlike last year,this year there were 3 positions. At least one was my little sister’s. . . . . .
Well,Sisters’ Tajweed positions. 3rd position goes to,dunno what her name or team name was. . . . .2nd position goes to. . . .again I’m blank and my heart just drowned. . . . .
1st position goes to. . . . .Team Youth Club. . . .(wait,Whaaaa???!!!)Okay,I’m not gonna mention my name here.But it was me. Yup my mouth fell open and Alhamdulillah was the only word I could utter.A quick run to get my certificate.
Then there were brothers’ nasheed winners and sisters’ nasheed winners.
Yup,I had to make another trip down there as my it was my little sister who had won the 3rd position in nasheed.And yet another trip to get my 1st position certificate in nasheed.Again with an open mouth.
Nope I wasn’t expecting it at all(This is an understatement.You have no idea.I’m still surprised as I write in here.But lemme assure you,the certificates are quite real!)
I came back to my team’s allotted seats and the yet bigger moment arrived.
Who’s going to win the tournament overall?
We were expecting a 2nd or 3rd position there.My teammates I mean.But it was a day for miracles,so I asked Allah for one more. Yup,we all jumped out of our seats(including our Youth Club manager Raja Zia Ul Haq )when our team stood 1st in 2nd tournament in a row,alhamdulillah!
We took home SIST 2013 trophy and this time we claimed SIST 2014 trophy too.
Hah,back to where I started.This is what made me realize. . . . .
My lousy performance in both my competitions and yet Allah saves my ass twice.My bad behaviour for past 2 years and still Allah wants me to be the one on top of things that I can do.
O Allah,this is a sign enough.I’ll try to be the best I can be.But I’ll always be needing your help Oh Allah!
Take the best work of deen from me,please.
Aameen!
More later if life permits,In Sha Allah!

Diary entry 99


Dear diary,
A special day is about to start. Oh,no,I’m not talking about my exam. How can I feel good about an exam :-/ As if life isn’t a big exam itself. . . .
Anyway,its my beloved Ginny’s birthday.
A quick glance at the beautiful past-our past-and I can’t stop myself from wanting to relive to imperfect yet most “perfect” moments of my life.
Our story started in grade 9. I used to (pretty much) keep to myself most of the time even then. Reading Harry Potter novels during lunch break,in class,eating my lunch,while all the class fellows used to go out and have fun. She was new in class. She used to stare at me from a distance wondering. . . . .
Then one day she finally came to me during break and asked me what I was reading. It was Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix,I told her. She asked me,how do I stay so quiet all the time?Don’t I have any friends in class?My answer was simple. “Everyone is my friend here.Just not best friend.I don’t make best friends anymore.”
What a lousy start,right?! But who knew it would be a start of something so new,so powerful. Who knew,she would be the friend I have always wanted,the friend I have always needed!
Yes,she stayed with me,all those years.In happy times and in moments of my demise-holding me,hugging me close. She was the one,who never said no. The only regret I have in my heart is that when it was time of her need,I was not anywhere to be seen.I had already left for Islamabad. And she didn’t say a word. Not even when she needed me the most. I wish I was there,now more than ever.
Anyway,this post is meant for my lovely Ginny. Many Happy Returns Of The Day Sweetie!!!
You hold a big portion of my heart,now and forever!!!
*lotsa warm hugs for you*

Love,
Me.

In Search of True Love


Blinded by some unruly emotions
No wonder when I took the wrong turn
Searching for love in this savage world
Turning over every stone,
Going door to door.
But where to find this true love?
Where does it live?
What does it look like?

I stumbled,I fell but never gave up
For it seemed to be a matter of life and death
But alas! I was wrong. . . . . . . so wrong!
Love isn’t life,as they tell you,it is
You find true love,you may live
And if you don’t,you still stay alive
It’s all just stories,all that fancy talk
No one dies of a broken heart
And “True Love,”it’s a fiction,a myth
A fabrication of an idle mind,it is!

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)