Diary Entry 126


Dear diary,
I’ve been back for past whole week now. Every time I think of writing something here, I don’t. I’ve been watching lots of movies. Feel a little down today. Missed two of my classes. Eid and the holidays went in a blur. Not because the days went by too fast, but because I couldn’t focus on my family this time around. I was too engrossed into my own self that I kept getting irritated when people actually tried to have me participate in the activities going on around me.
I guess,somewhere this was bound to happen. Repercussions of stupid stunts that I keep performing. Oh no, I’m not ready to leave them anyway.
Dear diary, some time ago, something great happened. I was saved once again from making the biggest mistake of my life, by Allah(SWT). Sometimes, things that happen around me, make me realize that Allah loves me so much that He keeps me away from any harms. Anyway, it was a big lesson,of course. And as for a broken heart or something remotely resembling any negative emotions, I don’t have it. Never did,at least in the said matter. Its like I knew, I was ready for something bad to happen. When it happened, I did expect myself to be ready but I never expected myself to be so composed that I didn’t feel a thing. I’m happy that I finally have that much self restrain. I feel ready now,for any and every thing.
This semester is going better than I actually expected it to go, thanks to Allah again. I was supposed to have at least one clinical case by now. I have plenty but without their tests so still waiting for internship to actually start :/ Waiting for the good times to start again,soon.
Obsessed again. This time its an Indian song by Arijit Singh from the movie Creature.
Weather is cold again and NO,its not depressive this time. Yeah,I had someone last year with me through the tough days and this year I don’t really need anyone. I’ve grown out of such feelings. “What doesn’t kill you,makes you stronger!”
The cold weather now inspires me,calls to me….as if telling me there’s more to it than the apparent harshness. I wanna sit outside with a warm cup of decaf,listening to Arijit Singh songs and stare into the depths of the cool nights. Or long drive on empty roads a night,again Arijit Singh songs on….
Okay,by now,you probably guessed,I’m crushing on his voice :/ Its simply sweet. Like honey to the ears. Its kinda hard not to like. Its not real special but its never harsh on ears. So I love it. And his voice has an expression of its own. The the climaxes and downs say more than the lyrics. Its just amazing!
(Okay,I’m babbling now)
I better go. A good challenge has grasped my attention 😉
See you,whenever possible.

Chao!

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)

Diary entry 96


Dear diary,
I haven’t started studying yet and it my paper in the morning. Eyes keep hurting these days, sleep cycle has gone awry, imagination is running wild. It’s like I don’t live in this world anymore. On one hand, these feelings are lovely but on the other hand they sometimes scare me. I mean being so happy might come with a price too. There is a part in me that’s preparing me for that big moment. But on the whole, I’m happy and it’s difficult not to be. I have the “bestest” friend,always around me, making me laugh, sometimes makes me blush and sometimes challenges me in various different ways. What else can a person ask for?!

Anyway, today DIG of Islamabad came just around mess time to sort out the things. Thank God! Somebody is paying attention at least. These hypocritical management people would’ve eaten the innocent female population alive if there wasn’t anyone before whom they were accountable. Do you want me to say it now, “On your face!!!?” Or would you like to put up some more stunts before we win again and say it, dear university management?
Anyway, Chloe is waiting for me to finish writing so that we can start studying.
So, gotta go……

Catch you some time later In Sha Allah!

diary entry 90


Dear diary,
Girls side is buzzing with the news of strike from hostelites in the morning. Our ex-Provost and my Head of Department,when she was made to leave the office of Provost,people here were so happy (including me.I don’t like her even a little bit) But then the new Provost came and made some ridiculous rules. The girls who used to fight when their mess bill was anywhere near 2000 Rs are furious because provost fixed the amount to 5000 Rs,irrespective of how many meals were taken.
Then there is the rule that every girl has to return to hostel before 5p.m and regular classes end at 05:30 p.m and at 08:30p.m for MS students.
God save the Queen!
There are some more rules like going home only on weekends,washing our clothes only on weekends,can’t use university transport except on Sundays,can’t go home after 5p.m unless our family comes to pick us from hostel.No internet after 1 a.m.
I mean seriously,did she think she would get away with these rules and girls wont say a word?
And to add spark to the fuel,most of university related pages of facebook have practically become a war-front for males and females.Females are so touchy about the subject that they would gladly lecture anyone who tries to antagonize them tonight and you know guys. . . .they are doing just “That!!!”
I am a very neutral kinda person most of the time.But,hell,even I have objection on some of those rules.If I go home on a weekend,there is no way I can make it back to hostel before 5p.m unless I start my journey at 10 am or so.Leaving uni on Friday reaching home on Friday night and then again leaving for uni early on Sunday morning.Its like going just to touch my destination and running back to the pavilion.I’m not competing in a race for God’s sake!
:-/
Anyway,If there is a strike I would be sure to be a part of it.Even if it means getting out of my bed at 5am and marching towards transport office and blocking the way of my uni buses.Not to get those rules changed,but just for the sake of fun 😉

Anyway,my meds are making me drowsy again-ALREADY!!! :/

Catch you later,if life permits 🙂

Diary entry 89


Dear diary,
I haven’t been me for some past days. With the cold growing outside,my throat has become a torture. Bad voice,cough attacks . . . . And when I take medicines,I sleep the whole day and the whole night :/ Its irritating.
I went to my university doctor today and she prescribed an inhaler.I’ve been feeling a little better since then but dizziness just wont leave me alone 😦
I had something in my mind before taking a long nap,that I wanted to talk about,here.But can’t remember it now,at all.
Only two of my class presentations are left and then finals . . . . .
My department is conducting a trip to Kallar Kahar,Khewra and Fort Katas.I wanted so much to go,still do. But my mum wants me to stay put. Saying that there have been several accidents in past few days,due to fog,killing at least 13 people in my own city alone. I still wanna go,but maybe I wont,just for my mum’s satisfaction. Plus,if my whole journey is spent in drowsiness,it wont be very fruitful.

Anyway,it’s almost mess time.
Catch you later in sha Allah!

Diary entry 83


Dear diary,
I broke my cell phone for the nth time today and I’m very cross with myself and with my cell too.Happened in the morning and I thought to myself “Great!Could a day be worse than that!”
Well,it proved that the day could be worse. Just when I was about leave Rawalpindi to come back to hostel,got a call that my grandma was hospitalized.So instead of returning back to hostel,I had to run with my aunt to the hospital. Shes out of any danger now (Alhamdulillah!)but the sudden news did shake me half to death.
Anyway,as I reached hostel,saw my bestie sitting alone,quiet. I knew something was wrong(Shes never quiet so. . . . ). I sat there with her for a long time and we returned to her room when finally, her mood became better.
Dear diary, I dunno why I still have a bad feeling inside. As if something bad is about to happen. Maybe its my extreme sleep deprivation at work or maybe its just my imagination (I’m hoping the reason is one of these two options). Who knows. . . . . .
My eyes feel like stones right now and mind is half asleep. I should probably put them both to rest now.
Hope to write again soon.
Ma’a Sallamah!

 

P.S;too tired to tag or categorize this post tonight (but still doing it anyway :p )

Diary entry 81


Dear diary,

My sleep cycle has gone awry again.My eyes keep hurting all the time.But other than that,life is pretty and smooth.I have completed the poem I wanted to post.Its in 2 parts.I have decided to name it “the Break up” (Yeah I know I suck at giving titles to my posts.)Anyway,I’m in mood today.So as soon as I finish this post,I’ll start on that one.And I should probably start working on it before I change my mind………

See ya again,soon!

Diary entry 75


Dear diary,

Yup,2nd post today 🙂 See,I told you I’ve missed you so much!
Yes,I’ve tried living among people,interacting with them.Its good to be among people,don’t get me wrong.But now coming back to you and writing here,made me realize that I’m not really a people person.I enjoy your company more than I enjoy actual people.Actually,I don’t mind people.I mean talking to someone via writing is fun,gives me comfort and I don’t have to risk coming out of my comfort-zone or letting someone enter it.But interacting with actual people just increases the chances for heartburn by ten-folds.
Anyway,this isn’t why I’m writing.I feel just fine now.Still haven’t been able to concentrate on my studies though.So I’m kinda under-prepared for my exam in the morning.Haven’t been able to eat a meal properly in two nights,my stomach aches and I feel nauseated even when I go near food.Yeah,stress has done its job perfectly well.Its gone but the signs remain.And honestly,I don’t know,for how long I wont be able to eat properly even after being hungry for hours.(God save the Queen!)

Desperate times call for desperate measures,right?
*evil grin*Aha,I ate a chocolate muffin,without gagging,it’s a good sign I guess 😉

Well,this post is basically for my friends who have been with me on every step of my panic attack.I know,I can be a nutcase when I’m stressed(some of you might have the urge to say,you are a nutcase even when you are not stressed :p ). But thank you all for being there for me and not leaving me alone.In the end being physically available doesn’t really matter when you are emotionally available for your friend.I am really lucky to have you people by my side and in my heart 🙂 very blessed,indeed.
(I’m kinda conflicted,should I take names or leave you be?)
Anyway,thanks to my besties,my chat buddy and my spiritual sister 😉

Time to sleep if I wanna be up early for preparation
Sayonara!

P.S:Occasional bugging is good for health of the bugger.Keep hidden,keep safe 😉

diary entry 73


Dear diary,

I’m done with my plastic surgery,which I probably forgot to tell you that I was going to go through.It was such a great experience.Enjoyed talking to doctors throughout the procedure under Local Anesthesia.Half of  my forehead is covered with stitches and plaster.I’m not allowed to wash my face,have to do the job with the help of a wet towel,carefully keeping the wound dry.The doctor prescribed antibiotic and painkillers.I’m just taking the antibiotics.Haven’t felt  any pain so I’m not taking painkillers.

Went to prize distribution ceremony of Tafheem Ul Qur’an academy today.Had great fun.Recited a nasheed there.Yup,m back on track.
Missed Alhuda badly!

Anyway,I have yet to offer my Isha Salah.

So,see you soon In Sha Allah,with some other details of my days.

Chao!

 

 

Diary entry 62


International Islamic University, Islamabad

International Islamic University, Islamabad (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear diary,

I came back on Tuesday. It was kinda fun but tiresome journey. There was this nice random stranger with her daughter sitting in the front with me who was a total chatter box. But this is one of the best things about the people of my city. It’s so easier to talk to them. They are so friendly that in a very short time it feels like you’ve known them forever. That lady was somewhere near my own age I guess, married for 3 years and had a one year old in her arms.
We had to wait on Gas station for practically 2 hours but I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

When I finally left the stop and started to walk to my university, I was praying in my heart for some help because my Hip joint started hurting again. That’s when I heard a male voice behind me.

“Excuse me sister, are you going to International Islamic University?” he asked.
“Yeah” I replied.

“Can I help you with your luggage?”

Inside I was so happy on my prayers being answered. But I have to admit I wasn’t hoping for a male to come to my aid.

Anyway, I gave him one bag. He asked for more. So I handed him another. We started walking in silence, me beside him but keeping my distance.

After some distance he broke the silence.”Are you coming from your home?”

“Yeah”

“Where from?”

Sialkot.”

Silence.

“Which department are you from?”

“Psychology.”

Silence again……

Then we entered the university gate. It was me this time who broke the silence.”Which department are you from?”

Shariah and Law, it’s my last semester.”

“Which semester are you in?”

“My fourth semester just started.” I replied.

By this time we were near Female Campus gate. So I said

Jazakallah Khairan (May Allah give you a better reward. For his help, off course.)”

And we parted ways. That’s all I know about the person(I haven’t been able to thank him properly). But there is a special corner of respect for him in my heart. My mum on the other hand didn’t agree with me (I don’t care at this point. Though, I dunno why it made me a little angry. Maybe because she didn’t trust my judgment. Dunno) but she was so eager to know what he looked like (for God’s sake Mama!!!)

Anyway, this is something along with some other happenings in the past that make me hopeful. I mean, it’s good to know that people still have some good left in them. And I’m more than willing to see that ray of good in them and ignore the faults.

I’m alone in the room once again. One roommate is gone home and other one just left for some sight seeing or whatever she does when she stays out all night.

Time to eat something and to take my medicines.

Ciao