Diary Entry:So long….


Dear Diary,

It’s been a long while, I know, I know! There was a time when I used to write regularly. Sometimes even twice or thrice in the same day. But times have changed. I still have so much to say, all the time but there are other things that keep my mind clogged all the time. Anyway, it’s almost the end of my 2nd semester here at Lahore Garrison University and the journey has been slightly bumpy but full of learning and fun. I’m happy here, Alhamdulillah! I don’t like Lahore and I still desperately miss Islamabad but when it’s time to leave, I’m going to miss my teacher so very much!
Anyway, I should be working on my case reports which were due yesterday but there was something inside me, stopping me from actually getting on with my work. My internal alarm is buzzing slightly telling me something awful is just waiting to happen. It’s  strong enough to make me restless. And that’s how I ended up writing here, instead of working on my case reports(my supervisor might kill me for being 2 days late >.< ). We had a meeting with our head of department yesterday. All the class representatives were present. In the past, I always used to get frustrated inside because whenever there were any competitions held in the uni, we, the post graduate classes in particular and my whole department in general, were never told about them until it was already too late to participate. And now, they need our active participation in different activities. That’s kinda good news, I guess. The times have changed for the better!
Most of the activities involve writing stuff. University magazine is about to come out and we are supposed to send in our work as well. First to the department, then they would choose which ones to forward to literary society. I wonder sometimes, why am I not a part of the literary society. But then my mind laughs and says “nice joke!” :p Yes i write but I don’t write anything of a substance. I really need to work on that. And yeah, I know I’m a helluva lazy person, which reminds me, I still haven’t completed the research work that I was supposed to do for a conference. I’m lagging behind and writing stuff that isn’t coming directly from my mind or the one that has facts and figures, it exhausts me, so MUCH! The conference has been moved to August, which isn’t a very comforting news. And what the hell am I doing anyway, trying to conduct researches?! I don’t even like research work! 😐 I know my teacher is the culprit behind this erratic behaviour of mine. She talks to inspire and her smile, it adds magic. She got to me like she gets to most people and I love her for that!
Ughhh, the case studies- I seriously hate them! I mean, the actual work is fun. But writing detailed histories and all the repetitive stuff…… it’s exhausting! I must go now. Have a long way to go before I am done with them :/

Ciao!

Diary Entry: SIST 2016


Dear diary,
SIST2016 starts today, in sha Allah! I couldn’t resist coming back here, to my beloved Islamabad. As soon as the air of my beloved city entered my lungs, I felt as if I’ve been shaken awake from a very deep sleep!
I never knew I would be that happy to come back here. The Euphoria won’t go even though, at the back of my mind I know, this time, winning in a competition, is close to impossible. I haven’t done it before and I haven’t prepared for it either. But just being in Islamabad, has filled me with such tremendous joy, which I can’t even explain in words!
There is something nagging at the back of my mind-my love life, or lack thereof, sucks, BIG TIME! I know I will worry about it, obsessively think about it, but the thoughts of it, I have saved for later. I don’t want to put lesser effort than I actually can, into the work I have to do. So, tension is a big no.
People used to say, a heart in love, does crazy things. I personally think it to be nothing but crap. But recently, my heart’s been giving me subtle ultimatums. I’ve been experiencing “Arrhythmia,” Most frequently “Tachycardia.” Thanks to House M.D, I have learned the terms and now I know their meanings as well. I’ve been trying not to take any kind of stress but getting rid of love for someone, from your heart, is a very difficult feat. And I don’t love, I melt in love. It’s not just a deep feeling but a way of life. It courses through my veins, keeps my heart beating. And sadly enough, these are not just plain words. I would, if I ever get a chance, die for the ones I love.
Anyway, I must go, have some rest. It’s a big day today, just waiting to happen!
And I’m not even prepared for the competitions yet :/

P.S: I miss a very dear reader of mine- Muneera from Occupied Kashmir. Girl, wherever you are, I hope you are in the best of your health and that you can get in touch soon!
Love

Me.

Diary Entry: A Dream Within A Dream


Dear diary,
last night I had a dream. A dream, I fell in love with!
I’m generally a daydreamer. I don’t dream with eyes closed, because I’m a deep sleeper. Well, I do, once in a blue moon. Last night was one such night. I was talking to some friends about meeting my guy in my dream. A guy,who is stuck somewhere in a tree or something, metaphorically of course. If not,then what’s taking him so long? Why wouldn’t he let himself be known to me? :/ I wasn’t really serious, knowing I don’t really dream with eyes closed. But I didn’t only meet my man, we got married in the dream. I still can’t get over the euphoria. I mean, me, dreaming is one slightly impossible thing. Me, dreaming about him is higher on the scale of impossible. But Me, getting married to the person I love(in fantasy) , even in a dream……..
EXQUISITE!!!
A dream, within a dream….
I woke up, wishing, I hadn’t! I didn’t want to let go of his sight, just yet(now the face is hazy, almost vanishing :/ ). But I had to! A dream like that every night, and I would wish I sleep forever and ever more!
It’s not healthy, I know. But the feeling is just too intoxicating. I’m not such a big fan of marrying a person you don’t love. And my aims and aspirations aside, there is this one person, for whom I would give up my lifelong passions and aims if I have to. I don’t have any wish to hurry in getting married but that one person-if he is the one pulling the strings….. I guess I don’t need to finish the sentence.
My sister’s B’day is just around the corner. I have to work on project Surprise for her. I must go and start working.
Ciao

Diary entry 120


Dear diary,
I found speech recognition in my laptop today. It’s like a dream come true. Some time back I told you I saw a movie called “Her” and I told you that I was kinda jealous that the guy had the most perfect job,dictating love letters to his computer and sending them to people signed from their loved ones. Well,I had no idea I would find one such thing right here and that too not long after. Wow! I’m still spellbound. Trying it has been a lot of fun. It keeps misunderstanding me.I was just testing it earlier today so I half sang to my laptop (yeah,it would’ve looked absurd but thank goodness, I was alone in my room.) Look what I narrated and what my lappie understood:
I said “how many times do I have to tell you,even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too. The world keeps beating you down, I’m around through every move. You’re my downfall,you’re my muse,my worst distraction,my rhythms and blues. Cant stop singin’ its ringin’ in my head for you” and it wrote ‘how many times do I have to tell you even when you try your beautiful to Dora keeps beating you down on the ranch two every move here my downfall of your menus my worst distraction my rhythm and blues cap stocks sending castoffs thinking it’s raining in my head for you’
Gave me a laugh that I’ve been missing for some time.
I have been listening to a song, obsessing over it actually. It’s “too late to apologize by Justin Timeberlake.” I’m reminded of my past whenever I listen to it(radio days). My time of innocence. Oh no,I wasn’t too innocent then but at least I wasn’t the way I am now. Raw passion and words- that was the time when I started to write. I haven’t exactly stopped after that. Just small breaks-sometimes not too small breaks too.
Anyway, I’ve been killing my throat by trying to sing “Kabhi Shaam Dhale to mere dil me aa jana from movie Sur.” And guess what,my roommates tried to join me too. It was fun. I wish I could record the whole thing and keep it or even post it here. Can’t exactly call them bloopers but it was all extremely hilarious.
Goldie tried to teach me tango steps. I have to say, I must be the worst dancer there could ever be. And you know why? Because I don’t try hard enough and because I am kinda shy when it comes to dancing. So if I have to learn,I have to stop being shy(yeah,I know,I know!)
Something amazing just happened. I started writing this diary yesterday and I’m still writing 🙂 Oh no,this isn’t the amazing part. I just talked with a friend of my roommate from Kenya in Urdu so fluent that my mind still refuses to accept that he’s from Kenya. Wow,seriously! And his “really” reminded me of a DJ friend of mine,so soft and so sweet. His style of speech resembled that of any Pakistani DJ reciting poetry in late night shows,mellow and clear with a slight hint of Pushto speakers. (I’m kinda feeling ashamed that my Urdu isn’t that good.) But it was a great experience. Didn’t feel like I was speaking to a total stranger.
My driving lesson last time went great. 3rd time behind the wheel and I was already driving without supervision. I hope I start on an actual road as quickly as understood the instructions and put them to work. I’m hopeful.
Finals are just around the corner. Have a quiz in the morning for which I haven’t prepared again. But that’s the usual me.
Both besties still giving me a hard time. I dunno if I would ever get used to it. Losing either one isn’t an option. No,I’m not gonna do that. No matter what.
Before I go,I’m gonna talk about a third song(Wow,someone tell me what’s happening.3 songs in one post…..) Its lyrics are what caught my attention. Loved them. The whole song is amazing. I can’t decide what part to keep and what part to skip. So here it goes:
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I’ll get through it
But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

Just a little human
I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough
‘Cause I’m only human…..
No more words,its self-explanatory. Gotta hit the bed if. . . .if I wanna wake up in time for my classes.

Buonanotte!

Love happened anyway


It’s a dangerous path a friend said.
Don’t let love mess with your head.
I’ll be on my guard, I replied.
And I swear before God, I tried.
But love happened anyway!

It was all new and overwhelming
Beauteous became everything
Pleasures amplified ten folds.
One face, eyes wanted to behold.
Yes, love happened!

I would keep dreaming all day
No time to eat, no time to play.
Come home, my dear loved one.
My pride, happiness, my joy, my fun
Seriously, love happened!

What was yours is now mine
Heart so kind, beauty divine
Sunshine for smile, touch so tender
Warmth and life, your one glance render
Oh boy, love happened!

Where the flowers bloom


“You have to stand for the right thing,even if it means that you have to stand alone.”
The words still ring in my ears, the words of my “Introduction to law” teacher. I thought I knew what it meant. I thought I understood. But I couldn’t be more wrong. But today I know for sure how it happens. You keep your mouth shut and everyone likes you, the moment you object to something, you become the bad person. And YES, you stand alone,literally!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you.Cry and you cry alone!”
I couldn’t be more blessed than I feel right now. Every thing happening around me is giving me hints, what should I do, how should I deal with my current predicament. What should be my plan of action. I feel somewhat free, from the clutches of self-doubt and fear of rejection,my fear of losing people I love. It smells like salvation, like spring, like a chance to actually leave my stagnation behind and grow, a chance to spread my wings and fly away, a chance at happiness!

Coming back from market today just gave me this comforting idea. Roads are under construction near my university and most of the area has been dug out. But there,amidst the construction equipment and little places where there is still some part of mud visible, I could see flowers, in their full bloom. The flowers that grew on their own,without someone actually having to plant them. This got me thinking, if this isn’t a  sign, which miracle are you waiting for?
Now I know, why I am tried and tested every day, scratched and left to bleed every once a week. It has a higher purpose. I’m tested at every turn to prepare for the biggest and the most beautiful blooming, for the best spring the naked eye can witness. Oh sure, things get so hard once in a while, but if the end is good, who cares what happened on the way. After all,Earth doesn’t produce the best of its fruits without being prodded and poked. I get it now.
I wanted to go some place where the flowers bloom, where there is no gloom. What I failed to realize was that I was that place I was dreaming about. I was that place where I wanted to go. ME! The only miracle present here is my own self.
And you know what, I’m happy that I realized this finally!!!

Diary entry 115


Dear diary,
I don’t know what I feel right now and if I really want to feel this way or not. There is extreme happiness inside me and then there is sorrow like a shadow, darkening that happiness. I can’t figure out which emotion to express. When I decide to write about the grief and the reason why I feel down, my happiness tugs at me. And when I decide that I’m going to write about my happiness, my heart literally cries out because of the pain inside.
There is a guy, younger than me, who used to be my junior in my college, was my van fellow and used to call me his sister, for he had none of his own. His mother died of a heart attack last week. I just came to know about it yesterday. I don’t know how to react, how to comfort. This is the point where I feel the pain inside and can do nothing. Oh, I hate this feeling. Losing a mother is never easy. When I put my problems in front of me, they look so little, so feeble, so insignificant compared to his agony. Yes, I’m devastated by the news. And my friend problems, my exams and all the other problems that keep me busy, they are not even problems!
I think I have become such a whiner and I’m getting used to complaining here all the time. this is NOT good! I have to stop before it’s too late. Oh God,the pain just wont leave! :-/ I hope and pray that his mum’s soul rests in peace and Allah gives him and his family, patience.Writing is liberating for me,most of the time. It works wonders.
But not being able to say,whatever you want to say, not being able to express whatever you wish to express and not because you can’t, but because, it’s better under a veil than out in the open,it sucks, BIG time!
Maybe I should say why I was happy,too. I mean, I don’t actually have to act like a crybaby all the time. I must write about the good things too, right?!
So, here it goes…….
Another teacher of mine saw some potential in me, quite recently. And this time it’s the writer me that gave the hint. My teacher said “Nayab, after completing you BS, you should do Masters in English some day. You have the potential and you can do it easily.”
Oh yes, I am happy and even after days, these words have kept me cheerful through my days.
My days are kinda hectic and I have started sleeping too much and at most odd times. So much for a good routine. Every time I try that, it goes down the drain :-/
Tomorrow is my Research Methodologies II exam and this subject kinda sucks too. I dream of the days when this ordeal would be finally over In Sha Allah! I hope it does end very soon. I’m thinking about trying something that I have never tried before in my blog. Thinking of making next post a “picture post.”
Lets see if the idea materializes or not.
Gotta go from here to think about the next post.

P.S:Don’t forget to pray for the deceased,it’s a special request from my side.
Chao!