Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

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Happy B’day…..


To Me….

Or is it?! Is it really, if I don’t have anyone to share it with?!

With all the wishes swarming my way from yesterday up till now, I’ve felt more down than they have lifted me. And for once, I know exactly why. For once I know what is bothering me deep down inside.

When I came to Lahore, I didn’t make any friends here. Because, one; I’m an introvert who loves to be alone and second because most people I’ve encountered here are back stabbing, lying lunatics. And I’m not sorry that I didn’t make any friends because I love to steer clear of all the drama these people bring. And these trivial things become such a heartache. Certainly not worth it.

Yes, I love to be alone. being alone recharges me; keeps me sane. It’s just being lonely that hurts like hell. A day like today, is sadly a reminder of what lovely things I have left behind me in the city I loved so much. It brings a smile on my face and at the same time, it clenches my heart in a suffocating grip. And yes, I’m grateful for all the friends I have, who love me, but are too far away. And like any other pathetic human being, I wish, they were here with me today, physically, instead of this virtual connection we share. But I guess, this is a burden that I must alone bear……

*sigh*

I’ve been thinking about writing a book; a novel of some sort. Or a collection of short stories perhaps, on wattpad. Today might be a great day to start. What do you say?

Until next time…….

 

P.S: I think I’m finally ready to part with the story I wrote and fell in love with.

Hint: look for my next post โค

Diary entry 120


Dear diary,
I found speech recognition in my laptop today. It’s like a dream come true. Some time back I told you I saw a movie called “Her” and I told you that I was kinda jealous that the guy had the most perfect job,dictating love letters to his computer and sending them to people signed from their loved ones. Well,I had no idea I would find one such thing right here and that too not long after. Wow! I’m still spellbound. Trying it has been a lot of fun. It keeps misunderstanding me.I was just testing it earlier today so I half sang to my laptop (yeah,it would’ve looked absurd but thank goodness, I was alone in my room.) Look what I narrated and what my lappie understood:
I said “how many times do I have to tell you,even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too. The world keeps beating you down, I’m around through every move. You’re my downfall,you’re my muse,my worst distraction,my rhythms and blues. Cant stop singin’ its ringin’ in my head for you” and it wrote ‘how many times do I have to tell you even when you try your beautiful to Dora keeps beating you down on the ranch two every move here my downfall of your menus my worst distraction my rhythm and blues cap stocks sending castoffs thinking it’s raining in my head for you’
Gave me a laugh that I’ve been missing for some time.
I have been listening to a song, obsessing over it actually. It’s “too late to apologize by Justin Timeberlake.” I’m reminded of my past whenever I listen to it(radio days). My time of innocence. Oh no,I wasn’t too innocent then but at least I wasn’t the way I am now. Raw passion and words- that was the time when I started to write. I haven’t exactly stopped after that. Just small breaks-sometimes not too small breaks too.
Anyway, I’ve been killing my throat by trying to sing “Kabhi Shaam Dhale to mere dil me aa jana from movie Sur.” And guess what,my roommates tried to join me too. It was fun. I wish I could record the whole thing and keep it or even post it here. Can’t exactly call them bloopers but it was all extremely hilarious.
Goldie tried to teach me tango steps. I have to say, I must be the worst dancer there could ever be. And you know why? Because I don’t try hard enough and because I am kinda shy when it comes to dancing. So if I have to learn,I have to stop being shy(yeah,I know,I know!)
Something amazing just happened. I started writing this diary yesterday and I’m still writing ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh no,this isn’t the amazing part. I just talked with a friend of my roommate from Kenya in Urdu so fluent that my mind still refuses to accept that he’s from Kenya. Wow,seriously! And his “really” reminded me of a DJ friend of mine,so soft and so sweet. His style of speech resembled that of any Pakistani DJ reciting poetry in late night shows,mellow and clear with a slight hint of Pushto speakers. (I’m kinda feeling ashamed that my Urdu isn’t that good.) But it was a great experience. Didn’t feel like I was speaking to a total stranger.
My driving lesson last time went great. 3rd time behind the wheel and I was already driving without supervision. I hope I start on an actual road as quickly as understood the instructions and put them to work. I’m hopeful.
Finals are just around the corner. Have a quiz in the morning for which I haven’t prepared again. But that’s the usual me.
Both besties still giving me a hard time. I dunno if I would ever get used to it. Losing either one isn’t an option. No,I’m not gonna do that. No matter what.
Before I go,I’m gonna talk about a third song(Wow,someone tell me what’s happening.3 songs in one post…..) Its lyrics are what caught my attention. Loved them. The whole song is amazing. I can’t decide what part to keep and what part to skip. So here it goes:
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I’ll get through it
But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

Just a little human
I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough
‘Cause I’m only human…..
No more words,its self-explanatory. Gotta hit the bed if. . . .if I wanna wake up in time for my classes.

Buonanotte!

Diary entry 118


Dear diary,
I have opened and closed this blog for 4th or 5th time, every time with a mind to write something, anything. But every time, I closed it again. Not being able to make my mind is a torture really. Now, finally I’m here and I’m writing.
Dear diary, there is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. The two people close to my heart here in Islamabad wont just stop giving me a hard time. I have thought hard and for long hours but my heart(that idiot!) wont let me let go of any of the two. He wants to stick to them just like an afraid child clings to his mother. Pathetic, I know. But if was it ever so easy to make this stupid heart understand, I would’ve done the job already. It just wont listen to me anymore. Yes, it pisses me off big time. So much that instead of using my most usual word “yeah”, I used “Yes.”
I’m often greeted with hot flashes in my body these days than not. It’s difficult to know the cause since I’m someone who is effected by cold more than the hot weather. Probably its just hypoglycemia because none of the other possible explanations could be related to me. And then there is this feeling of uneasiness in crowded places. I recently learned it is called Agoraphobia. Agora is a Greek word meaning “a place where people meet.” So roughly its the fear of market place or crowded places. It may also include the fear of vast open spaces. Nope, I’m not getting better in Psychology. I gave an exam on Monday that kept me awake whole night. It was a subject called “Mental Health and Psychopathology 2.” An otherwise interesting subject but so much syllabus piled up that I could not enjoy it while preparing for it.
Hell,no! I don’t have Agoraphobia (thank goodness) I just feel slightly uneasy and out of breath in crowded places,that’s it.
My roommate’s body spray ended some days back,so my lungs are enjoying the little break they have right now. I hope she never brings a new one. Because she doesn’t use them like a normal human being. She practically takes shower in her body spray, almost choking me to death every time!
Anyway, I still have so many mixed feelings but my mind is a bit calm now. I don’t wanna lose any of the two people whom I call my friends,here in Islamabad. But I can do nothing about it,just pray silently and hope that Allah listens to them soon,that Allah sees my lips moving and understands what my heart wants,then give it precisely what it desires.
I have an urge to run, a craving. But at this hour, I wont find a space long enough and deserted enough to do it. I wish there was such a place,though :-/
Until we meet again!

Diary entry 112


Dear diary,
I used to fear I would die without even learning how to drive. That’s not fair,I always thought. But today I have a new and stronger resolve. I’m gonna try my level best not to die before I learn how to drive. Off course I can’t do anything but hope that it happens as I want it to be.
Dear diary, the pain inside has kinda subsided. I still miss my family but I didn’t go home today as I decided that I should stay here and deal with my choices. The aerobatics Air show by Pakistan Air Force went down the drain. It got cancelled and my sacrifice was all for nothing. Nope, I’m still a patriot. A lazy patriot of a lazy nation. Here the weather became the deciding factor but who cares. The thing is, I wasn’t able to see the 1st air show that I wanted to see. I wasn’t able to see the premiere of Divergent because I was alone. I regretted not being home. But now I don’t feel that. I guess it happened for the best. Ain’t it what people say? Yeah. So, I’m gonna go with it too ๐Ÿ˜€
Anyway,the day was as event-less as it can possible go. But I’m learning to enjoy amidst all the solitude. And I have to say,it’s not going as well as it used to be in the past. I guess I have contracted the germs of someone who enjoys good company. I wonder who could it be.
Anyway, my body is pretty tired after doing absolutely nothing, the whole day. I wonder how I manage to get tired without even lifting an arm to do anything useful :-/
Excuse me, I should attend to myself now I guess.
See you again,if life permits!

Diary entry 109


Dear diary,
Last night was fun. It was my birthday and Chloe’s “not-so-surprise,” surprise was wonderful. The cake, the candles, the balloons, the chocolate, little teddy bear, birthday cards, the room decor, and the Army hat ๐Ÿ˜€ as if all those things were not enough, there was the birthday song and afterwards Chinese Fried Rice,cooked by Chloe herself!
And then I broke the news that I knew what she was planning and for how long. The ringing laughter afterwards. . . .it was priceless!
My lack of friends made our little endeavour look like a very intimate affair ๐Ÿ˜› but thanks to the occasional visits from her friends (who came in to eat cake ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) we were never left alone. Which is a good thing, I guess.
And then there was “my alien buddy’s wish.” Two of my best friends in this city are “Archenemies” for each other. What a shocker!!! Oh did I mention,when I talk to you, Chloe gives me a hard time ๐Ÿ˜› sometimes ๐Ÿ™‚
Opening Google gave me another cute surprise. Google wished me Happy Birthday!!! This means,2 wishes from abroad :DAfterwards, my cousins tried their best to give consent for a marriage. I asked them to find me a Superman and I will marry whenever they want me to ๐Ÿ™‚ That was a fun discussion.
And my mum’s message,full of prayers, loved it.
And then there were wishes from the people I never expected to wish. A senior sister from Alhuda, my cousin, some facebook friends . . . . . .
I wish to say thanks to a person,a friend of Chloe’s,who helped her to get my Army hat,in front of me. That’s the only one with which you got away Chloe.
Meeting Peera,well,that’s another story!
Loved the company as always-enjoyed a LOT. And that friend of yours,I wanted to explain things to him,I could,if I tried to,but I suck at talking. . . .so here I am ๐Ÿ™‚
And,thank you for the wish(yaay, you can’t object to a thanks now :p ), for the gift that I’m currently enjoying as I write. Means a lot!
And Goldie, Puhleez!!! I’m not that good at writing!
Before I go,I have to let it all out. Just got the news, a little girl, daughter of my mum’s cousin, died yesterday. For a moment, I had to stop and think. I get to live 23 years of my life and a little girl of two and a half dies. Its heart breaking,but its life. I keep questioning myself, what did I do, to deserve such a beautiful life. Guess,nobody ever knows.
First I get a beautiful weather on my birthday, then rain and hail stones. The beauty of rain drops falling on the roads with a splash and occasional hail stones. . . . . Exquisite!
And right now,there’s a nutcase,threatening to go on a killing spree and a suicide mission on facebook. I have to go and deal with that maniac.
Hope to see you soon again.

P.S:Little sister, I love you no matter what. You are a blessing in my life. Don’t be sad for practically no reason!
And Choozay,thank you for making my day even better with those interesting stories you just told :)Goldie,you traitor,I’m singing alone! :-/

Diary entry 108


Dear diary,
Chloe is cooking up something. Well,I know exactly what it is,but for now I’m gonna shut up and let the things happen as they are supposed to be. I’m just itching to tell her once again “I told you so!”
Oh, no, I’m trying not to spoil the whole fun. So here are some of the things that I’m going to give a hint of knowing:
*The room decor, hidden from my sight (something is fishy there ๐Ÿ˜‰ )
*The lies you had to tell me and the act part. (that was a child’s play to figure-out.)
*I saw you standing right there in front of my room,from a crack in the closed-door,when you just texted me and told me you were on your way.
Just don’t kill me when you read this,okay? :p
*sigh*
Sometimes you meet some people in life that you wish later,that you never had to cross paths with. People who destroy you. People who are a slow poison, a harmful drug that you keep on taking, until it kills you. There are people I wish I never met. The part of my life that I want to erase completely. But then again,there are those who are a blessing in disguise. Like my Chloe here, Alien buddy and some others too. They are the people who keep me awake when I most want to sleep :p But hey!I love you all in a twisted way.
I’m gonna enjoy this particular night so much, I’m sure.And…….. I should better go and have a little nap. Who knows exactly what I will be subjected to next,tonight.
Hoping to see you very soon.

P.S:Oh there’s one more thing I’m happy about. I was made admin of a page that I loved so much,yesterday. Enjoying every moment in the sun ๐Ÿ˜‰
Here’s the link if you are wondering what page it is.