Diary Entry: Going Home


Dear diary,
I’m going home, today. For how long, I don’t know. What am I gonna do there, that’s a big mystery too. It’s been 5 years now, I’ve been out of my place, away from my folks….. And I’m going home now and I don’t know them much anymore- they don’t know me much either. Its not like I don’t visit. But weekends aren’t really enough when most of that time, you spend in your journey. Anyway, I’m hoping that they won’t try to clip my wings. They are small but they are mine, nevertheless. And they know how much I love my freedom and it’s one thing I never compromise on. The day when this truly sank in my mind, that my degree has been completed and I can’t stay here anymore, I felt weird. I wanted to stay. I know my mind set didn’t change too much but it certainly wasn’t conservative in the first place….unlike people back at my home station. Anyway, I know I might have to do a LOT of fighting and standing up back there. It’s fine with me as long as I don’t hurt anybody’s feelings. I know I would tread with care but I know I am no more the kind of person I used to be and I slip up, more than once,in a while. I am quick to anger-AGAIN :/ but I’m quick at letting go as well. I’ve been suffering from “Negativitis” for past two nights but I’m still hoping for the best while preparing my mind for the worst as well. Goodness!I’m getting late!
I gotta go. Dunno when I would be able to write next or if I would be able to, at all!
No, It’s not a goodbye. I will manage to come back somehow, in sha Allah!
Writing here has been a constant help in my effort to release stress and anxiety- and I already feel better. Okay, I really gotta run now!

P.S: Until we meet again 🙂

Life….


Set it free, set it free,
Let the bird fly.
Let it soar high above
The limit is the sky.

Let it loose, let it loose,
Untie the mast.
Let the winds tease,
Move until it lasts.

Put it out, put it out,
Extinguish the fire.
So that you may rest,
Burn out the deepest desire.

Shove it in, shove it in,
Snub it, dry the tears.
Put on a brave face,
Fight now, all your fears.

And tired when you are,
And think world’s at its wit’s end
That’s the moment where life begins
Quit dying, live. Your life, go mend.

Diary Entry 133


Dear diary,
I’m back in hostel. Actually it’s been 2 days since I came back. I’m back to my old, boring, non-creative, lonely, indifferent self. It’s like I don’t exist anymore, just like before 🙂 I had forgotten how it felt.
Anyway, another SIST came to an end about 2 weeks ago. This time I tried something new- Spoken Word. I didn’t think I could surprise myself but I did! I stood 3rd(and the SIST people wrote 2nd on my certificate :p )and it was my first ever attempt at something remotely similar to public speaking…… I mean, I thought I couldn’t talk in front of people and here I am! The other two competitions were a familiar territory so I won even with a bad throat. Alhamdulillah!
This year, I couldn’t live with my dormant self so I got my lazy bum up and moving. I volunteered for Youth club and SIST 2015. My duty was in Kids zone, where I made the worst ever cards that I ever made in my whole life but my first experience with kids went great. One cute kid, asked me to come to F-9 park every Sunday because she liked me and wanted to meet me again and remember me. Wow…. I mean WOW!!! I didn’t expect that. I mean, I’m so used to being hated by the people that I was kinda shocked and flattered because she kept insisting.
My last semester has started. That’s actually shocking….. how fast time runs. My “Crime-Leader” ain’t talking to me. I’m trying to be indifferent but its kinda hard. I’m planning on staying all the weekends at my aunt’s place. Hostel life is horrible! I can’t think of any better adjective to use with it. I’m just not into it anymore. I wanna roam about the twin cities, like a free spirit, not like my current always anxious self. I mean I don’t have serious enemies to talk about so what’s my problem? Why do I have to be so alert even inside my own room? Why do I have to keep looking over my shoulder as if something weird or bad is about to happen?(I don’t do it literally but there is always a casual but unusual alertness present.) Mum is still afraid to send me to university after what happened to my roommate but I’m not afraid. May I should be but I’m not!
My EVO is still broken and going to I-10 to get it fixed seems like a trip to Hell and back and I’m too lazy to do it :/
We have a morning semester this time with Fridays off. so long weekends would be most welcomed!
I wrote a poem yesterday, while sitting in class waiting for my teacher to come. I’m planning on going to MH on Friday to get my Internship certificate(Yup, internship is over-thank Goodness!). I spent most of it getting to know Rawalpindi better and remember its map anyway :p
I must go now. Have classes in the morning and I can’t think of anything better to write in here so I better just go :/

Until we meet again!

Diary entry 117


Dear diary,
Today’s exam went great with one little regret or lets say misfortune but that’s all. I’m more focused, more alert today. Don’t know for how long, but I’m enjoying every moment of being serious and focused. It rarely happens for me,so I’m trying to benefit from it as much as I can.
Some days back, I saw the movie called “Her.” It sure is a lovely movie. But one thing I loved was the guy’s job. I mean,seriously, he dictated some beautiful stuff. And so powerful that it would make one fall in love. I secretly envy his job :-p I mean, why does he get to do the most interesting job in a most interesting way and I don’t? Yeah,I know,it’s just a movie. It isn’t real. but if it ever is, I know now what my dream job would be!
Dearie, one more exam to go. Then I would be able to have some respite, hopefully.
Did I tell you that I feel uneasy when I’m in a crowded place? Well,it happened again,today. I went to the market place and was so uncomfortable after half an hour or so,that I had to practically drag my roommate to get the hell out of the place. Still a little bit of claustrophobic I guess. Every single time seems like its stronger the past. Who knows for sure. Anyway, for the first time I feel kinda light and free. Enjoying every moment of it.
But I should be careful not to get too used to it. Some people actually have to work hard to be happy in life. I guess, with the talents I’ve been bestowed with, I have a little harder test than most. Off course, it doesn’t get any easier. But still I’m happy to be me.
indexAnd I feel it in my bones!!!

Where the flowers bloom


“You have to stand for the right thing,even if it means that you have to stand alone.”
The words still ring in my ears, the words of my “Introduction to law” teacher. I thought I knew what it meant. I thought I understood. But I couldn’t be more wrong. But today I know for sure how it happens. You keep your mouth shut and everyone likes you, the moment you object to something, you become the bad person. And YES, you stand alone,literally!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you.Cry and you cry alone!”
I couldn’t be more blessed than I feel right now. Every thing happening around me is giving me hints, what should I do, how should I deal with my current predicament. What should be my plan of action. I feel somewhat free, from the clutches of self-doubt and fear of rejection,my fear of losing people I love. It smells like salvation, like spring, like a chance to actually leave my stagnation behind and grow, a chance to spread my wings and fly away, a chance at happiness!

Coming back from market today just gave me this comforting idea. Roads are under construction near my university and most of the area has been dug out. But there,amidst the construction equipment and little places where there is still some part of mud visible, I could see flowers, in their full bloom. The flowers that grew on their own,without someone actually having to plant them. This got me thinking, if this isn’t a  sign, which miracle are you waiting for?
Now I know, why I am tried and tested every day, scratched and left to bleed every once a week. It has a higher purpose. I’m tested at every turn to prepare for the biggest and the most beautiful blooming, for the best spring the naked eye can witness. Oh sure, things get so hard once in a while, but if the end is good, who cares what happened on the way. After all,Earth doesn’t produce the best of its fruits without being prodded and poked. I get it now.
I wanted to go some place where the flowers bloom, where there is no gloom. What I failed to realize was that I was that place I was dreaming about. I was that place where I wanted to go. ME! The only miracle present here is my own self.
And you know what, I’m happy that I realized this finally!!!

Diary entry 100


Dear diary,
What a day and what a coincidence. I’m finally free from a hectic,tiring semester and its my 100th diary entry. Feelings of accomplishment kinda doubled 🙂
Writing this on my way home. A friend suggested that I should wrap up my whole semester in this post. And now I think why not?! (Or at least the parts that I remember :p which By the way,are going to make at least 2 or 3 posts. Hold your horses.)
Oh,the First thing I remember is losing my mind 😉 No kidding dear diary! This semester has proven to be an intense one and no doubt ,was”one heck of a time!” And yes, I did lose my memory(Short term memory).
I seem 6 months older and a little more crazy. But that’s totally okay. I enjoyed each and every  moment of this growing older. There were some additions and omissions in my life. Lost a dear friend and all because of a misunderstanding.It did hurt initially but its okay now. Lost one and made 3 new ones. An addition to my close friend list. Love the new people,absolutely. Welcome to my world peeps,the world of silence and communication through eyes 😉 Hope,your stay is longer than some others “Until death doth us part!” 😉
And then there was all the fun I had,getting closer to my bestie and knowing her better,trying to open up and share my side of story with her too.I know I failed miserably but Chloe did a great job showing me something that I used to deny for past so many years. The knowledge kinda kills me inside but the masochistic me enjoy the little heartache sometimes. The good thing is that I didn’t let that knowledge be my weakness but made it my strength. Realized that waiting for someone is so difficult.I used to feel proud that I’m patient.But things happen,(like ahem,ahem. . . )and now that patience has kinda evaporated.I have discovered a new way to love my perfect life 🙂 And yeah,I’m totally satisfied with my discovery-happy actually.Its like having a new reason for living even though I was trying to live my life in the best way I knew how.
People have stopped complaining that I’m too silent, it’s a good thing,right?!. Thanks to Chloe-or should I call you Goldilocks now? :p 😉
Sneaking out of my hostel for a trip to Goldilocks’s home,meeting her sweet family(especially the cute babies ❤ and one,the youngest,in particular.The shy one.Still remember his shy smiles when I took his name,and the laughter that followed that smile.just loved it! )
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Then the Mansehra and Abbottabad trip.The long walk trip. . . . . . Had the time of my life!
Should I come towards studies? Naah,I don’t think so :p No mood to touch any boring subject,not today at least!
Oh,and then there was the adventure of my life time-December 11,2013.How could I forget that one!!!
And the strikes in University.Me being among the 1st soldiers who marched out and stayed on the front line for 6 straight hours . . . . . .
Sitting out of our final exam-me and my whole class in solidarity with hostel fellows(me included off course :p )And the out of uni adventures with Goldilocks-I’m gonna miss those (You made me a spendthrift person Goldie!)
And Yup,I loved meeting “Peera.” The way you used to praise him,it’s not enough.He definitely deserves better.And oh,the clownish friend of yours who has been very helpful (Shhhh,don’t let him know I called him that :p )
Yup,you turned my life upside down girl! But thank you for working on a hopeless boring person like me 😉
Aaaaah!Dear diary,the more I look towards this past semester,the more I realize that I have enjoyed my self to the full! I’ve had more adventures in this little time,than I have ever had in my whole 22 and a half years.And this is not even the end.A window of hope opened for me again.I’m gonna give a chance to my lifelong dream of joining the forces after I’m done with this current degree,In sha Allah.Thanks to you,Officer buddy.And when I join,don’t you dare boss me around.I’m your therapist friend first before being your junior(oh yeah,the unauthorized therapy is going great too :p I think). Don’t you dare forget that 😉 :p
Yeah,dear diary,I’m happy.And I guess its showing (a little too much 🙂 )
Wanna keep writing but my laptop wont allow it.So lets give it some rest before it dies.
Hope to see you soon again.And will try to add more details if I remember 😉
Before I go,a special thanks to Goldilocks,Alien buddy,Sir Usama, Chicken, Fati, Saadi, Ginny, DJ-to-be-buddy and my beloved Teddy,for lighting up my days and for putting up a huge smile on my face day in and day out! Love you all dearly!

P.S:Wrote this post yesterday but wasn’t able to post it just then as my EVO had a heart attack on my way back home and my lappie died of grief :p But I didn’t wanna change anything I wrote so here is a post that was meant to be posted yesterday. Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it 🙂 More adventures in next Post In Sha Allah!

Stupid Cupid Struck Me With A Broken Arrow!


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Once upon a time I was this person
Careless and happy,with precious freedom
Then,one night I woke up with a piercing pain
An arrow through my heart,an apologetic face
Cupid said:”Sorry,the arrow’s broken.
You can’t be forever loveless and sane!”

This is how my story starts.
Ripped from my chest,my still beating heart
Tormented,broken,clenched in a fist
I try to resist,but I’m too weak.
The grip tightens,I scream out in pain!!!

“Go away stupid Cupid!Don’t be my bane.
I’d rather be happy and loveless and free.
Don’t shoot your broken arrows at me!”

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