The Monster in Shadows


Dumb name, I know! That’s why it’s a temporary one for the book I have started to write. I don’t know if I should call it a book or not. Yup, I’m still drowning in self doubt as always. But this is an internal fight. I keep doubting myself and yet I keep doing whatever stuff I doubt myself in.

Seems I’m not the only one who keeps doubting themselves. It seems to be a disease in my family. I’m not sure about my elder brother but my little brother and little sister keep doubting themselves. I know they can do the stuff they think they can’t do but they don’t know it.

My case is a little similar but a little different too. Deep down, I damn well know that there is nothing that I can’t do, that I put my mind to but doubting myself throughout the journey and self torment is kind of my thing. I hate it but I do it anyway.

I’ve been trying to think for an appropriate title for my novel but as of yet, I’ve failed miserably, hence this crappy name. I’ve updated the second chapter but it’s a short one since all my attempts at researching an area for the setting of my story have further confused me. I want my setting to be some part of England but I’ve never been outside of my own country so it’s hard to familiarize myself with the stuff of a foreign country through virtual aids only.

Another hindrance is that the story-line has been teasing, tormenting and keeping me awake at nights but I have not been able to think things through. I was just in a hurry to get things out of me as keeping them inside is a burden sometimes. The result- I’ve not thought about the details inside the plot. Which means that I will have to make up the details as I move along but move things in the direction that my plot wants me to take.

I’m not gonna back down though. I’ve started too many projects in the past and left them mid-way, but not this one. I’m going to force myself to complete this one. No matter how crappy the story goes. No matter how much of a failure it proves to be( or not).

Because, the monsters inside my head won’t rest until I have shot every single one of them.

 

Hurt Again….


There’s a heart inside,
So full, so uneasy.
A heart that once cared.
Now,it’s cold and queasy.
There is a person present
With hurtful feelings
Who was always sincere
In all his dealings.
There’s a twisted soul
Shredded, so torn.
Wondering why ever,
Was it born?
There are eyes, wet
Swollen,accusing.
And a falling warrior
After all the abusing.
There was a life,
Worth living and loving.
There’s a corpse,
Rotten, kneeling.
There’s a fight, raging.
And a body aging…

Diary Entry: Unsettled


Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
*Sigh*
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!

Life….


Set it free, set it free,
Let the bird fly.
Let it soar high above
The limit is the sky.

Let it loose, let it loose,
Untie the mast.
Let the winds tease,
Move until it lasts.

Put it out, put it out,
Extinguish the fire.
So that you may rest,
Burn out the deepest desire.

Shove it in, shove it in,
Snub it, dry the tears.
Put on a brave face,
Fight now, all your fears.

And tired when you are,
And think world’s at its wit’s end
That’s the moment where life begins
Quit dying, live. Your life, go mend.

Unrequited Love


Nothing seems in control,
Nothing seems right.
Love could have fooled me,
I would’ve given up the fight.
So what, if he doesn’t know,
That I exist as a person too?
He’s been and always will be,
My life,my light!
And when tears become prayers,
I believe they get answered.
He’s mine and stays mine,
Teary eyed I pray every night.
I should have asked for forgiveness
For all my sins,my misgivings.
Could have raised me from cinders
To a great height.
But I’m a masochist,I preferred pain.
Love was all ache and no gain.
So I plunged in deep,never to return.
This fate I chose, so, alone I burn.
Oh, I hope this flame burns so high,
That you have to give in with a sigh.
For my love is a fire that won’t extinguish.
Come save me from my anguish.
It’s aglow for you, it wont die
With each blow it’ll get more bright!

Things That I Know To Be True……


*Fighting depression isn’t easy. I came to know it the hard way! Tears are even harder to stop when they want to get out. I know it because it’s my job to know. And it’s something I undergo, on most normal days now. A psychologist, fighting Depression, have you ever heard that before? But Psychologists are people too, very much alive, sensitive to environment and emotions. Psychologists get depressed too. I know because I’m going through it right now.
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*I know that Allah is my biggest help against everything negative I feel. He is the only sincere friend who will stay by my side even if the whole world decides to turn against me. I trust Him to help.
*I know that bad times will go away as swiftly as they came. And that I’m strong enough to wait a little longer to get better. I deserve as much to be saved as the next person. Nobody can save me except ME, and I’m on it already!
*I know that “She” is still infatuated with him and he doesn’t deserve her. But she still asks for him when it rains,when she prays, when she’s sad and needs a hug, when her demons become bigger than the ones she’s capable to fight-when she needs her knight in shiny armor, during her journeys, at night, in the morning…..

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*I know, running or playing with the kids helps relieve stress and so does singing on the top of my lungs. I need to do that more often.
*The things that I know to have helped me during my stress:
>writing
>running
>playing with children
>singing(nasheeds or songs)
>Recitation of Qur’an
>talking to my friends
>sketching(sometimes)
>helping others
>lying down in my room in complete silence and thinking nothing
>silence
>closing my eyes and thinking about things that make me happy.
>Prayers
>teaching Qur’an to my students.
>listening to recitation.
>challenging myself
>the thought that things are going to change
>Oh, the rare chances of practicing my driving.
>knowing that I still have some sincere people in my life.
>reading, sometimes
>my teddy bear
>going home and getting a hug from my mum and little sister
>my little brother’s humor
>planning for a friends reunion….
*I have know it to be true….. that if you want to change your situation, nature helps you to do it. My environment helped me a LOT. And the thought that “I’m stronger than my problems,” and the ayah from Surah Baqarah(2:285) that says that Allah doesn’t put more burden on His servants than they can bear, these two things kept me from crumbling down and shut down my self-destruct mode that depression switched on.
* When I started writing this post I was under a full blown depressive episode and Migraine attack. And as I finish it today(after a break of almost a week or perhaps more), I am more stable and I haven’t had migraine since yesterday.
*I know for sure,that if depression couldn’t break me,and it did try;it can’t break anyone. We do that to ourselves-all that breaking and collapsing. I know I love myself and I love to be happy,so I try to be. Being positive is the key. My depression made me more determined and stubborn. Instead of breaking me, it made me even stronger!
*I know, if I can manage to defeat it, so can anyone and everyone else who is suffering from this plague!

Not the Average Girl.


Don’t tell me interesting stories
don’t call me with sweet names
don’t offer me to be your valentine
don’t play your usual games.
’cause I’m not your average girl,
doing “oohs”and”aahs” on your little tricks.
’cause I’m not your usual girl,
I never cry on chick-flicks :p
Teach me how to fight instead,
I wanna learn the hand combat.
Teach me how to throw a punch.
Lemme be a spoiled Army brat.
’cause I’m not your average girl.
Forget all the feminine cliches.
’cause I’m not your usual girl,
who,on the sight of danger,runs away.
Take me to the battlefield with you,
lemme fight beside you,until I bleed.
Lemme show I’m a warrior,not a worrier.
Lemme hold your hand,help you in need.
’cause I’m not your average girl,
screaming on sight of a lizard.
’cause I’m not your usual girl.
I’ll stand tall in every Blizzard.

Diary Entry 130


Dear diary,
I don’t know how I managed to prepare for my today’s exam. I’m still amazed. Last night, I was feeling pissed and I hurt inside, today I know why. But I’ve had the most disturbing night ever! The little sleep I tried to get, was filled with nightmares and I kept waking up at odd intervals, with stomach ache, nausea and a dry mouth. I haven’t eaten much today, and I’m hungry again :/
Anyway,we had water problem in our hostels for some hours today. Rumors are,some main water pipeline got damaged somehow. Some girls were out, for a strike again. I saw them while coming back to university. I was too tired and out of sorts to go join them. And the problem just got solved anyway.
Tomorrow is my last exam In Sha Allah. Its Muslim Psychology exam. There was a time when I was so confident about Quranic verses and Ahadith. Not any more. I’ve been out of touch for so long that I’m forgetting what I learnt in the 1st place. No,I’m not proud of myself. And I plan to revise everything. I just don’t know when would that happen.
And I wonder why this constant headache at nights won’t let me be :/ Yup, I have it right now, and honestly, its annoying :/
Oh, and the steamy bit is that me and Chloe had fight with my roommate thrice today. Gawd, it was such an awkward and hilarious situation that I couldn’t help but laugh, which annoyed my roomie so much 😀
Anyway, I’m glad its over,for now. And I’m hoping against hope that she wont start again. Because if she does, I have half mind of unleashing the actual me. And lets be honest here, she won’t like the fighter side of me. Most people tend to avoid it, and its a good thing they do.
Oh, and one thing I don’t wanna forget to mention, we burnt the stuff that kept torturing Goldie with its presence in her life. It was fun. I’m glad that she is finally moving on(or at least that’s what she tells me). And I’m glad she burnt every little thing that kept making her suffer emotionally.
Good Riddance Chloe! I’m proud of you mate! And Clarkie, you can hate me all you want now 😀 Lemme assure you,this little super villain will enjoy every little moment of it!

Ilal Liqa’ 🙂

Diary Entry 127


Dear diary,
it’s almost 10 pm but seems like it’s already past midnight or so. I miss Goldie but she’s in her other friend’s room. Life’s good. We had a party in our class today. There’s this teacher who, even after being informed of our plans just was so reluctant to give us some time for ourselves. I mean, her concern is kinda overwhelming. But I can’t say anything bad about her. I mean, she’s such a sweet teacher. She’s perhaps the only teacher in our whole department who still thinks something positive about our class, who defends us. And, I like it that she actually tries to tolerate us. I mean, not that we are some unruly little beasties but still. Other teachers don’t like us very much. So this is saying something I guess. (I just realized I am practically babbling by the times I used the words “I mean.” WOAH! )
Oh dear! Look at me, I’m all softie softie inside after watching a cute sentimental comedy :p yeah, even I don’t know what it is that I’m actually trying to say here. And of course I have Arijit Singh on again :/
No, I’m not breaking down, I’m okay. I really am. I just feel like dancing. And I don’t know how to dance. There’s this whole energy coursing through my veins that I wanna get rid of. And Chloe isn’t here! (*The real issue*)
Okay, I suck at letting people know my feelings and I totally hate myself for that. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that if they really love me, they won’t be bothered by me blabbing about anything I feel. I just CAN’T! You know, I’m what’s wrong with the whole wide world!!! I’m what’s wrong with this whole picture. I hide, I shun, I shut people out, I push them away. And what’s even worse is that I do it on purpose :/
I sometimes ask myself, why can’t I just be happy over silly things like everyone else does???!!! Why do things seem to have more effect on me than anyone else? I’m not a worrier, Goodness, I’m a WARRIOR!!! Why do I have difficulty getting hold of my emotions sometimes? Hell, no, I’m not worried about my past or future. It’s my present that irritates me. I wanna move and yet I lie under my sheets and watch movies, play word games, listen to one song a million times and more!
Oh yes, not to mention the yelling inside my little head. Now that I come to think of it, it’s not-so-little head. It’s got enough space to handle big crisis, for crying out loud. I yell, I snap at people, I feel like slapping them silly sometimes, I even murder them, a thousand times, in my head. I plan stuff, some very serious and dangerous stuff, I’m so calm while I take the war-front, HELL, I fight the battles of others for them and yet, what makes me insane, what drives me mad and what pushes the wilder part of me out is just a little bit of winter gloom. How’s that for a punch in the gut?! Aaarrghhh…..
Okay, okay, okay, I’m talking too much, then again, maybe not. For once in almost forever, I’m actually writing whatever is crossing my mind. I’m letting everything out. Because, even though I don’t want to say it out loud, I’m tired. I hate to admit it, but one part of me wants to quit and then there is this one other, much bigger part of me that has a frown on and wants to strike back, real hard!!!
And I guess, in the end this bigger part will win, like always, no questions asked.
Dear diary, I was so fixated on people in my life. But I’ve literally stopped caring, for some at least. It feels really great. It liberated me. And then again, I lose and find myself every day and life goes on……
Enough said for tonight I guess. Back to my boring routine slash the exciting world in my head 😉

P.S: I started writing this post around 10 but midway, Chloe came in. Didn’t wanna change anything that I initially wrote. So, here it goes 🙂

Gutentag

Diary entry 98


Dear diary,

I’ve been a little out of sorts lately. Haven’t been able to sleep properly. Health is better but my mind is so messed up. And the sleep deprivation. . . . . My eyes hurt. And I have a deep urge to cry. I don’t know how much my mind is responsible for this feeling beside the hurting eyes. There are days in every person’s life when they want to let go and cry hard. Days when they want to be taken care of, for a change. Days when even the bravest and strongest of the people want to be treated like a fragile being………
Its my day today. Its my moment of weakness I guess. I want a break from being strong for myself and for others, just a little break. . . . a tear or two, to escape my eyes. . . . because those who cry are not weak. Those who dare to cry, they are strong enough to let go. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. They are a person’s strength, a way of saying, “I’ve had too much. I have tolerated enough. Its time to say goodbye to the past and to future; aye, aye!”

Well, I’m doing the same right now. Preparing myself for whatever life has in store for me. I’m strong again. I have shed my worries, my doubts and my fears with these tears, that dry on my face right now. I’ve learned that the more you feel self-pity, the more miserable you become. That’s not an option for me. It never was.
So once again, this soldier is ready to take on all the battles that come her way. Once again, out in the open, fighter mode on 🙂
P.S: Another post coming on next(in a bit 🙂 Yup, mind and creative spirit is in over drive these days or something.)