Diary Entry 133


Dear diary,
I’m back in hostel. Actually it’s been 2 days since I came back. I’m back to my old, boring, non-creative, lonely, indifferent self. It’s like I don’t exist anymore, just like before 🙂 I had forgotten how it felt.
Anyway, another SIST came to an end about 2 weeks ago. This time I tried something new- Spoken Word. I didn’t think I could surprise myself but I did! I stood 3rd(and the SIST people wrote 2nd on my certificate :p )and it was my first ever attempt at something remotely similar to public speaking…… I mean, I thought I couldn’t talk in front of people and here I am! The other two competitions were a familiar territory so I won even with a bad throat. Alhamdulillah!
This year, I couldn’t live with my dormant self so I got my lazy bum up and moving. I volunteered for Youth club and SIST 2015. My duty was in Kids zone, where I made the worst ever cards that I ever made in my whole life but my first experience with kids went great. One cute kid, asked me to come to F-9 park every Sunday because she liked me and wanted to meet me again and remember me. Wow…. I mean WOW!!! I didn’t expect that. I mean, I’m so used to being hated by the people that I was kinda shocked and flattered because she kept insisting.
My last semester has started. That’s actually shocking….. how fast time runs. My “Crime-Leader” ain’t talking to me. I’m trying to be indifferent but its kinda hard. I’m planning on staying all the weekends at my aunt’s place. Hostel life is horrible! I can’t think of any better adjective to use with it. I’m just not into it anymore. I wanna roam about the twin cities, like a free spirit, not like my current always anxious self. I mean I don’t have serious enemies to talk about so what’s my problem? Why do I have to be so alert even inside my own room? Why do I have to keep looking over my shoulder as if something weird or bad is about to happen?(I don’t do it literally but there is always a casual but unusual alertness present.) Mum is still afraid to send me to university after what happened to my roommate but I’m not afraid. May I should be but I’m not!
My EVO is still broken and going to I-10 to get it fixed seems like a trip to Hell and back and I’m too lazy to do it :/
We have a morning semester this time with Fridays off. so long weekends would be most welcomed!
I wrote a poem yesterday, while sitting in class waiting for my teacher to come. I’m planning on going to MH on Friday to get my Internship certificate(Yup, internship is over-thank Goodness!). I spent most of it getting to know Rawalpindi better and remember its map anyway :p
I must go now. Have classes in the morning and I can’t think of anything better to write in here so I better just go :/

Until we meet again!

Where the flowers bloom


“You have to stand for the right thing,even if it means that you have to stand alone.”
The words still ring in my ears, the words of my “Introduction to law” teacher. I thought I knew what it meant. I thought I understood. But I couldn’t be more wrong. But today I know for sure how it happens. You keep your mouth shut and everyone likes you, the moment you object to something, you become the bad person. And YES, you stand alone,literally!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you.Cry and you cry alone!”
I couldn’t be more blessed than I feel right now. Every thing happening around me is giving me hints, what should I do, how should I deal with my current predicament. What should be my plan of action. I feel somewhat free, from the clutches of self-doubt and fear of rejection,my fear of losing people I love. It smells like salvation, like spring, like a chance to actually leave my stagnation behind and grow, a chance to spread my wings and fly away, a chance at happiness!

Coming back from market today just gave me this comforting idea. Roads are under construction near my university and most of the area has been dug out. But there,amidst the construction equipment and little places where there is still some part of mud visible, I could see flowers, in their full bloom. The flowers that grew on their own,without someone actually having to plant them. This got me thinking, if this isn’t a  sign, which miracle are you waiting for?
Now I know, why I am tried and tested every day, scratched and left to bleed every once a week. It has a higher purpose. I’m tested at every turn to prepare for the biggest and the most beautiful blooming, for the best spring the naked eye can witness. Oh sure, things get so hard once in a while, but if the end is good, who cares what happened on the way. After all,Earth doesn’t produce the best of its fruits without being prodded and poked. I get it now.
I wanted to go some place where the flowers bloom, where there is no gloom. What I failed to realize was that I was that place I was dreaming about. I was that place where I wanted to go. ME! The only miracle present here is my own self.
And you know what, I’m happy that I realized this finally!!!

Desire


Seeing you with someone else
Is my personal share of hell
I don’t feel jealous, I don’t cry
But my inside just wants to die
I burn, I ache, I writhe in pain
I wither, I crumble, I withdraw
Until what’s left is a mute me
Insane, coward, the living dead
No, I’m still not jealous
And it’s just pain, it will pass
I knew you were bad
But I entered danger zone
I took the chance
Now I burn in fire
Of my own desire
Alone, waiting for you!

Diary entry 74


Dear diary,

It’s probably my first entry in 4 months.I’ve missed you,no doubt about that but I couldn’t get myself to write anything.The reason,I guess is that I might have changed a little bit over time,and not in a good way.I’ve become more introvert I guess.It kills me,but its there.I withdraw from people more often than not.And maybe I have a damn good reason for that.
Its been two nights,I’ve been crying without any control.So many things going on my mind that for a moment I felt that those things broke me.But I’m okay.On the road to recovery.Some things that are going on still sting.But what the hell,that’s life.I know it will pass,sooner or later so why waste my time.I will cry again if I feel like it but it wont be because I’m broken.It will be because sometimes you have to let go,let the tears flow.And letting go is the hardest thing but it doesn’t make one coward.It makes one stronger .
I want to say so many things without hurting anyone’s  feelings.But these days you never know who will be reading the stuff you write.I’m hurt,yes but its nothing that I can’t take care of.And hurting someone back isn’t what I do,it’s just not in me.
Anyway,I have mid-term exams,starting tomorrow morning and I still have to start from scratch.So I better roll.

P.S:It’s so nice to be back 🙂

 

Diary entry 61


Dear diary,

I’m going home Yayyy!!! After a month and a half Yayyy!!! It’s so frustrating and lonely here in the hostel most of the time. But I’m going for a complete check up this time. My hip-joint still refuses to stop hurting and I’m so sick n tired of this pain. I’m becoming “lazier” day by day(as if that was even possible!)I didn’t want to leave my coffin today to take my classes :-/
My teacher changed my Mass Communication project. I’m not so thrilled about its changing but it’s still undecided what we are going to do (me and my partner) but the excitement has kinda evaporated.
But then again, its “me” we’re talking about here. I’m sure I can find a reason to be happy in anything if I put my mind and heart to it. I just have to persuade my heart and mind to love what I have to do. Then it would come to me naturally. Lets see what happens next. I’m hopeful. I just refuse to let simple changes in life to ruin my mood.
Challenge Accepted!!!

Anyway, I gotta go now.
See ya very soon(If WAPDA permits )

Diary entry 54


Words don’t make any sense any more,dear diary! I tried to find why. But I couldn’t.
I feel alone because the people I care about are busy making and living their own lives. And those who actually care about me,are far from me. People say that distances don’t matter when your heart beats for someone. They are WRONG dear diary! I miss my loved ones big time. It’s almost been a month since I last went home.
But the thing I miss the most is MYSELF. I’m neither lost nor dead, then why do I feel different? Why does it feel like I’ve become more of a brick wall than an actual person?
I skipped some days of writing here because I was busy being sick. And tonight I’m writing because I’m more sick and fever wont let me sleep. Last night was the same except for the writing part(well not entirely true. I wrote a poem on the back of my diary because it was difficult for me to sit and type.)
My throat is painful and I’m tired. I’m on a sick leave from university and I haven’t been to Al-Huda in ages. I feel so horrible about that 😦

But this is how life works,I guess. Whenever you are so sure of something, it invites you to take a step back and then decide.
I better go before I tire and damage myself beyond repair.

P.S:Poem later In Sha Allah!

 

Diary entry 16


Dear diary,

Life’s been busy on my side.But even with all the hustle bustle around me,the loneliness won’t leave my door.I have no idea why it claws at my heart.I lose my focus too often and I know I need to stop that.Mid term exams start come  Monday and I haven’t touched my books yet.You know whats funny – when I told my bestie she replied:you never touch them anyway 🙂 Yeah,she knows me very well.

This time I’m trying to break the habit.This time I want to actually try to study – don’t ask where that urge came from ’cause I dunno myself.I guess its the boredom or maybe the solitude,that’s getting to me.Whatever the case,I want to do something consciously this time.

Weird – this coming from me,right?

But I really sat to study this time and look what I’m doing 😀

Yeah,dear diary,I came here to tell you that I’m going to study right now,so that you can say:”Yeah,well good luck with that one!”

🙂

And I’m feeling hungry.I’d better go and cook something to eat……..

What was that???

Did you just say that I said I was going to study right now???!!!

Ahem,Ahem……
(A fleeting thought to myself:*RUN!!!*)