Diary Entry: Instinct


Dear Diary,

I was okay, a couple of minutes ago but now I have a really bad feeling inside. All of a sudden. And I don’t even know why. It’s as if I have lost something very important or I’m about to. I want to cry on my loss but I don’t know if I have really lost something or not. Does this all make any sense? I have learned that I should trust my instinct, but what is it that it wants to tell me right now?!

 

Abused. . . . .


Behind those fake smiles,
There’s a heart that cries
Filled with sorrow and pains
Of an assaulted body and soul
And I can see you standing
Right there,in front of me
Laughing above my broken body
Again today,I got punished
For a crime I didn’t commit
In fact I fail to fathom this
Why do I let you torture?
Silently getting whipped
What did I ever do to you?
I’m harmless and unequipped
A weak body,your submissive
And yet,you hold that lash
Bleed me,until you’re tired
Then at night,you come close
I’m afraid,what you might do
But you are a changed man
Hugging me close and warm
You comfort me so much
As if nothing has happened
A happy tear escapes my eyes
I’m afraid to let go just yet
Afraid,morning would unleash
The beast inside of you
I don’t have to wait long
It’s again me,under your lash
Beaten,crying,tormented
The vicious cycle just never ends
Tears of pain and anguish
Escaping eyes of a broken,violated me

Diary entry 72


Dear diary,

I’m going to my aunt’s place today.Missed my bus earlier because didn’t know it’s departing time.But this time when the buses leave I’d be in one of them In Sha Allah!

My heart is officially out of order.There is a peculiar feeling,almost like fear.I have no reason to feel fear but there is something inside,I can’t quite place.Still torn between going home and staying.I’m hoping that a visit to my aunt’s place would help me decide.I dunno how my Kenyan roommate and all the other foreigners live even 2 to 4 years without going home.I don’t know if I’d ever be able to do that.

I miss my little sister,I miss my mum,and dad and brothers . . . . .

*sigh*

Anyway,its extremely hot here and I’m bored again.

My heart wont stop killing me.Its like its warning me that something bad is going to happen and soon.Dunno what,but I’d rather take it seriously because,it is right most of the time.

I seriously have no idea what I came here to write,all my thoughts are gone.so I better go too.

See you very soon again,if life permits!

Sayonara!

 

The fear and the void


I’m endlessly staring on the blank space before me.I logged in with the mind that I’d write something new.But I happen to have caught a new disease which seems to be taking control over my brain fast.Too swift for me to comprehend or even pin point its cause and take some remedy.

I’ve lost control over my own thoughts.I can’t write what I think and I keep forgetting what I want to write.My once well-organized thought process is nothing more than miscellaneous strands of broken thought threads now.

In class,where I used to be certain that once I heard and understood something,I’d be able to reproduce it whenever I was required to do so.Now,I seem lost.Every word that comes out of my teacher’s mouth,is just another group of meaningless letters and every sentence is a combination of unfathomable concepts,that leaves me gaping at it as if I suddenly encountered an alien.

And then there’s this fear inside me that’s eating me alive.The fear of not being able to remember anything.In normal students,it’s better known as pre-exam fear.But once they see the question paper,the fear starts to ease and ooze out of their systems.But I never had any concerns about my marks or grades-ever.So why is this similar fear gripping me,when I’m doing an excellent job in class?

I guess,I may never know.

It’s just like this occasional feeling of void and emptiness I get.Its not new,and it is my companion of solitude but I haven’t been able to figure out its real reason.It just eats me from inside.Its like some invisible hand clutching and squeezing my internal organs and I feel so helpless.I feel like crying,as if that would ease the situation.For a person who never gives in,it’s a horrible thing not to be able to do anything.I despise every second of it.

Its amazing,how the presence and absence of a person can lessen the effects of both these feelings.

Oh,I have to confess,there’s a little development in my story that I failed to mention in any of my recent posts.I finally found a friend-whose sweetness brings out all the good things in me;whose challenges are my drive and motivation;whose humor keeps everything alive and who likes to call our  back and forth of ridiculous statements and banter as:”playing verbal tennis with me.

Things have taken a much better turn and I feel much happier,for which I’m eternally grateful to you my friend 🙂

P.S:I dunno what I wrote-I wasn’t thinking straight tonight.