Diary Entry:Writing From Hell-hole


Dear diary,
It’s been so long since I last wrote but I’ve missed writing so much that I’ve started to get overwhelmed by the ideas I get these days. My finals are just around the corner and so is SIST 2015. My Internship was supposed to end by the end of January but it got extended til February 10,2015. I’ve been living in AFIC-NIHD AFNS Officers Mess for past 19 days. At first, it felt like I’ve been living any Army dream. But now that I have this life,no matter how temporary, I feel as if my own room in my university hostel is my only link to my sanity. It’s my only safe haven! I don’t wanna live here anymore! The food is good and ample but I don’t have any peace of mind. I haven’t been able to sleep comfortably at night, since I came to this Godforsaken place, so, when It’s finally time to wake up, I’m too tired to leave the bed :/ I usually spend my days either in hospital where I waste my entire time waiting for a miracle to happen or in bed, waiting for another miracle to happen. Sometimes I forget how loneliness gnaws at my soul because I have a friend by my side(virtually-even though i wish it was in flesh and blood) and at other times, I miss my teddy bear,who probably misses me too,sitting alone on my bed in my Uni hostel. My only escape ever from this rotten routine is when I go out, roam the roads of Pindi, with lots of things that I need to buy but end up not buying because I dread going in to shops and getting them. So I end up either eating or buying a lot of edibles that I finish before the night is even up!
I miss my home,my family. But even when my exams are over,I wont be able to go home because of my internship. I miss my friends but I wont be able to share any new moments with them because I wont be in hostel to be with them. And the worst part is,that the internship sucks too! It’s nothing like my old one, and I miss my supervisor so much in moments like this.
I’ve been reading 3 books these days. But I can’t find peace in them any longer. I am bored to my core!!!
I missed my presentations and I don’t seem to care any more. I don’t freaking have prepared for my finals and I don’t give a damn about. I just need a time out! I wish there was something like a time out in real life, I so dearly wish!
Someone told me today that I’m an ordinary girl,desperate for uniform, in my inbox. Yeah,great,that tells so much about you too! Plus even if I’m desperate, I don’t see myself drooling over your uniform, I want one for me, not a uniform clad husband for heaven’s sake! But telling an ass hole all this, wont turn him into a gentleman. And such a person douche-bag is not even worth my answer.
Anyway, I can’t say life isn’t good,perhaps its too good and I can’t appreciate it anymore. I need to see the good things in life that I used to notice before. I need to go back to the way I was not long before. I need to let go of this miserable and unsatisfied persona I keep carrying around with me. I need to live a little more!!!
May be,one of my aimless walks through the city would help me right now.
I should be moving, don’t wanna get late.

Until we meet again!

Diary Entry 125


Dear diary,
my straight hair is back,it touches my waist and I’m simply ecstatic about it 🙂
Apparently I have consumed my 30GB limit of my internet package within 10 or 12 days(though I still wonder how I managed to accomplish that!). I came to know about this news last night and of course I was devastated(okay,with a little bit of exaggeration). If I recharge it before October 11,every single GB usage will cost me 150Rs,which is a stupid kinda rule. But I guess it good I spend most of my days at my aunt’s place now. Will keep my mind off my EVO :/ And time to go home is so close too. Not sure when is the exact day but hopefully some day in the next week. And you know,at home,I don’t have to bother about an internet connection because turning the lappie on is kinda outta question there.
Anyway,it’s lunch time and I’m starving.
Catch you later!

Diary entry 121


Dear diary,
my finals have started. Today was my first exam. It went great alhamdulillah. I’m glad it’s over! No more Psychological testing, thank goodness!!! My head is a little out of water but it’s still more under. Until my Mental Health and Psychopathology 2 paper isn’t over, I wont be able to breathe properly. And Gawd, I’m so distracted these days, completely out of focus and don’t even have the motivation to study. I think I wouldn’t even study if I didn’t have to help my friend with her preparation. Just today, I saw two movies. And don’t even get me started on my sleep. I mean I have always had a very sound sleep and now I’m missing it so much! Every night, I wake up without any reason or need at all,just like that. My eyes open, head spins a little, I check my cell phone, close my eyes and in the next instant, I’m fast asleep again. It happens almost 2 to 3 times every night and as many times in the day. I tire my mind so much these days thinking that today I will most definitely sleep till late. But it never happens. Yeah, this means I have to take lots of naps during the day. And guess what, just when I try to study, my eyes start closing :-/
Today, I didn’t sleep in the day so hopefully I will get a peaceful night’s sleep. I’m so yearning for it!
There is a little kid that I wish to be able to kiss before he grows older. I think I’m in love with him. He’s 3 and a half months old and his laughter and smiles are so endearing that its difficult to see him but not being able to touch him. Actually, he’s my “alien buddy’s” nephew and he’s a complete darling!
I dunno if and when I’ll be able to meet him. Yup, it makes me sad that I can’t. He reminds me of the little me. The 4-year-old me. One who was obsessed with infants and new-born babies. I love him with the same passion of that little girl who used to spend hours and hours in CMH Nowshehra nursery, looking at the babies, touching their soft hands and cheeks, talking to the “Sister” on duty. I wanna do that again but seems like I wont get to do that unless its my own baby we are talking about. And I dunno how many years that would take but I’m sure it’s a lot of years I’m talking about.
And now I miss my home and my little cousins.with whom I play at home.
Arrghhhh, this stupid little emotional fool heart of mine, and an equally masochistic brain to go with it……. Wont you two rest before I have a nervous breakdown?! :-/ (God forbid! I don’t want that to happen.)
And my mind seems to be enjoying this writing exercise today( I totally hate you at this very moment. I wanted to sleep!!!)
Oh, I forgot to mention, evening walks in the lawn have been added to my routine(naah,not regular but I guess they would become so.)Yup, I’m shocked too.
And I look like a zombie again,with so many dark circles around my eyes :-/ (as if I care!)
I should probably go before I spill out any of my deep dark secrets, which by the way, I’m inclining towards doing.
I will see you when I see you!

Diary entry 112


Dear diary,
I used to fear I would die without even learning how to drive. That’s not fair,I always thought. But today I have a new and stronger resolve. I’m gonna try my level best not to die before I learn how to drive. Off course I can’t do anything but hope that it happens as I want it to be.
Dear diary, the pain inside has kinda subsided. I still miss my family but I didn’t go home today as I decided that I should stay here and deal with my choices. The aerobatics Air show by Pakistan Air Force went down the drain. It got cancelled and my sacrifice was all for nothing. Nope, I’m still a patriot. A lazy patriot of a lazy nation. Here the weather became the deciding factor but who cares. The thing is, I wasn’t able to see the 1st air show that I wanted to see. I wasn’t able to see the premiere of Divergent because I was alone. I regretted not being home. But now I don’t feel that. I guess it happened for the best. Ain’t it what people say? Yeah. So, I’m gonna go with it too 😀
Anyway,the day was as event-less as it can possible go. But I’m learning to enjoy amidst all the solitude. And I have to say,it’s not going as well as it used to be in the past. I guess I have contracted the germs of someone who enjoys good company. I wonder who could it be.
Anyway, my body is pretty tired after doing absolutely nothing, the whole day. I wonder how I manage to get tired without even lifting an arm to do anything useful :-/
Excuse me, I should attend to myself now I guess.
See you again,if life permits!

Diary entry 111


Dear diary,
Its been too long since I wrote anything last.I have missed not writing but every time I wanted to write something, words failed me. Yeah,you guessed right. Writer’s block. I hate the feeling but have to live with it like all others do. Dear diary,I’ve been missing my little sister so  much since yesterday night. Its been hard on me. All I wanna do right now, is to take her in my arms and hug her tight. I dunno why but it’s so strong that I might even get ready to go home tomorrow morning. Well you know how impulsive I have been these past some months. Like just today, I had an extreme craving for chocolate cake. I could not hold myself back. So I went out,even though I hate to go out alone or after rain. But I went anyway. Brought a cake and ate with my roommates. Oh,my new roommate is from Kazakhstan. She’s a nice person. A person of little words like me and my old roommates. So I guess this is good. We wont bother each other much.
And I still miss my little sister even after writing about it. The feeling is still strong but I can’t just jump on a bus and go home right now. Well,that’s not entirely true.I can if I want to but I’m not allowed to do just that. So I guess I’ll have to wait for the morning.
Dear diary, Divergent movie is in theaters here in Pakistan but I have no friend present here to watch it with. Yeah,I was extremely excited about it. Last night I completed Allegiant. I guess Tris’ death is one reason of me being down. Yeah,It was extremely difficult to stop myself from crying, reading all the raw and broken feelings at the end of the book. I have to say, I wanted her to live and have a chance at a happy life with Tobias. Hell,he deserved to be happy. But the writer clearly didn’t want that. God! I hate tragic endings. No wonder I’m still down. It was a big disappointment. I had to remind every time my tears were close to spilling,that it’s just a story and then my inside shouted,yeah,a story that you fell in love with!
Oh,yeah,love hurts! It’s like a stab in chest only it isn’t a single stab. Its more like repeated stabbing to get all the life out of me sometimes. But I survive,every single time. You know,this isn’t fair!!!
Anyway, I still miss my family. Seems like this weekend is “missing my family weekend.”
I might as well go home in the morning and quench my thirst. I can’t decide :-/

Okay,this isn’t making me feel any better. So I should probably give it a rest.
See you soon, and hopefully,In  better mood.
Chao

Diary entry 101


Dear diary,
my time at home has been one hell of a time. Enjoyed a LOT! On my arrival, got a long hug from mum. Felt like heaven-my personal share of heaven 🙂
My little siblings each had a home-coming gift ready for me which I’m totally in love with!
The night after, my little brother made Pizza for me, which by the way, was delicious. And more than that, it was filled with love!
Then meeting my teddy bear, who has grown to be even cuter with rosy cheeks,and off course a new addition to the family, teddy bear’s little sister. Had a great time with each one of them.
Pizza party with my cousins, my little bro’s birthday and food cooked by mum 🙂
Oh,and by the way,my under-preparation for my competitions,due on February 1 and 2. I’m trying o learn the ayahs that I have to recite but its been too difficult lately and SIST 2014 is drawing ever so near. Yup,this means cold sweat,lotsa pressure and panic. And I guess its time that I hear my own most frequent words:
I CAN DO IT!I CAN OVERCOME EVERY HURDLE IN MY WAY AND WIN THIS THING!!!
Or lose it with a grace. But the stress is on winning for the time being 🙂
This year, I anticipate a tougher competition as the number of teams participating is more than last year
.
Uh,and I forgot to mention, the dreams I had in past week. Yup, they shook me bad. And the “cold war” between me and my bestie due to some unknown reason. . . . .
It all disturbed me. More than I wanted it to. The more I tried to concentrate on learning my ayahs for competition, the more my mind diverted towards my bestie. That same night, I got my bestie’s message and we were back on track again. Just like that!!!
But the time I had to endure in her absence, well, it made me think and think hard. What is my life all about? Why is it the way it is?
I knew it was time for damage control. So I took help from a dear friend who taught me to be “Pragmatic” but I’d rather call it “being cold-hearted.”
I was a good and fast learner. I was able to shut my heart for some days. But the wretched softness overcame the hardness. And my journey started again. Again on a jagged path,trying to overcome hurdles. . . .
The thing I missed the most was my bestie’s scoldings when I was down, her way of showing me that she felt my pain.
Anyway,she’s back and cheekier than ever, so no worries!
(Next time if you do what you did, seriously Goldie, I’ll have to break your skull to repair that damaged mind of yours! :-/ )
Anyway, I have taken more time writing this post than I was supposed to.
One more day to enjoy at home (or spend working,as per need :p ) then off we will go,back to Islamabad.
My love,my teddy bear!!!
IMG-20140121-WA0007

P.S:A special thanks to bigger teddy, my chooza(chicken) friend,alien buddy and chicken for being there for me in my hard time 🙂

AAARRGGHHHHH!!! Another post written way long before its being posted. Yeah,I know it’s started to become a habit.But next time, I’ll be careful (hopefully :p )

Diary entry 89


Dear diary,
I haven’t been me for some past days. With the cold growing outside,my throat has become a torture. Bad voice,cough attacks . . . . And when I take medicines,I sleep the whole day and the whole night :/ Its irritating.
I went to my university doctor today and she prescribed an inhaler.I’ve been feeling a little better since then but dizziness just wont leave me alone 😦
I had something in my mind before taking a long nap,that I wanted to talk about,here.But can’t remember it now,at all.
Only two of my class presentations are left and then finals . . . . .
My department is conducting a trip to Kallar Kahar,Khewra and Fort Katas.I wanted so much to go,still do. But my mum wants me to stay put. Saying that there have been several accidents in past few days,due to fog,killing at least 13 people in my own city alone. I still wanna go,but maybe I wont,just for my mum’s satisfaction. Plus,if my whole journey is spent in drowsiness,it wont be very fruitful.

Anyway,it’s almost mess time.
Catch you later in sha Allah!

Diary entry 86


Dear diary,
Its been a fun weekend. I sneaked out of my hostel to go to my bestie’s place. Babies here are so damn cute. One in particular,the smallest one,who keeps smiling at me and when I call his name he just laughs and becomes shy. Love it!
Miss my own family seeing all this love in the air but seems like I wont be getting a chance to meet them before my finals end.
Went to a seminar on Wednesday in my university where I had the time of my life. And today I was bombarded with lots of questions from the head organizer of that seminar. Things she wanted to know,that didn’t concern her even in the least. And I just told her to back off. If someone needs to talk to me they better come to me directly. I don’t have patience to entertain messengers.
Gawd!!! She messed up with my mind and irritated the hell outta me.
But like I said before,what doesn’t kill you,makes you strong.
Anyway,having a lot of fun with my bestie. Glad to have come to her place.
And glad to have your cheerful usual self back.
Girl,you rock this world!!!
Love ya into bits and pieces

P.S:Thanks for not letting tensions take hold of you and showing me your “bestest”side there could ever be 🙂
Love.

 

Diary entry 79


Dear diary,
I’m halfway to my home.And boy was I happy to be free finally!Traveling with my Dad.Feeling more excited than usual.Don’t know whats the reason but I do know I’m happy.Looking forward to reaching home and sleeping to my fill in the nights.
I’ve been forgetting things too frequently these days.The reason I suppose,is that I’ve been watching “Once upon a time”in an excess.Lovely drama,I have to say.Old fairy tales with a twist and from the perspective of the evil Queen or wicked witch of the enchanted forest,call her whatever.It showed that there is always hope when there is a will to change.
Gawd!This Qawali that the driver is listening to,it’s so irritating :/
Journey is going great.Hope the friends I left back in Islamabad are missing me.Well,you are in my prayers too 🙂
Yeah,dear chat buddy,I didn’t forget to pray for you 😉
Anyway,before my dad gets irritated,I must go.
Gutentag!

Diary entry 78


Dear diary,
I consider myself very lucky in “friend department.”You tell me,wont you be happy if there were people who actually cared what happened in your life?Oh no,I’m not talking about parental kinda supervision or even worried siblings.Its my friends.They genuinely worry about me.No matter how much I try  to tell them,that there’s nothing to worry about.There aren’t many things that have the power to make me hurt.I know perfectly well how to keep my distance.Why do you people burn your calories?There is nothing to sweat about,really!

If there are a few things to upset me,then you are there,right?! Plus have I ever been stuck on something disturbing for more than a day or two?I recover,right?! I hold and shake myself.I put on a brave face and move on,all the while fighting with my personal demons.You know,your being there for me when I need you,is the biggest help one can provide.And since there is no permanent damage,so I’d say,all is well that ends well 🙂

Wow!Its like I’m shouting out to my friends more than talking to you today,dear diary.Its true!A friend just told me,its good to let go.That’s what I do.All the negative energy I ever encounter,I try to channel it into positive energy.Helping others is just a way to do it.And I slip sometimes,because I’m still learning how to do it right.I feel like myself,like the emptiness,the void is somehow filling itself.I heard,nobody is selfless,well I guess,its true.I do it for myself,for my own peace of mind and satisfaction.It feels so good,like the  happiness of the whole world has gathered in front of me at that particular moment.It feels like I was born to do just that.

Guess,the fight just never ends there.Its constant,coming back with more force than the last time.But the trick is to keep standing,no matter how much wounded you are.And believe me,nothing heals you more than the satisfaction of being useful in this world somehow.

You wanted to know why,well you know now.And as far as I’m concerned,there’s nothing out there that can permanently damage me,as long as I’m a warrior inside,wont you agree?Plus,hardships come in life to make one strong.You wont find me to be a coward,no matter what.I’ll always be there to strike back,for this is who I am.And I’m not afraid of what life might bring me next.If life comes hard,I’ll be harder.

Anyway,Its my friend’s birthday today.Wish we could meet up as I wanted to make it as special as that friend is 🙂
But here I am,doing what I do best. . . .

GAWwwD!I wrote so much tonight,what’s got into me?!

Oh,and before I go,I’m going to post that incomplete composition in it’s still incomplete form.For a friend once said,”Some things are best when incomplete”

Coming up next. . . . .

P.S:Sayonara!