Stuck, Blocked, Scarred But Moving


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It’s one of those days when I can’t think of a decent title for the post I want to write. Well, that’s most of my days anyway. Choosing title isn’t my kinda thing really but things get annoying when I keep getting a cluster of random thoughts. Life is tiresome already, without a thousand random, unrelated thoughts bombarding my mind all the time. I’ve been meaning to write time and again, but didn’t get enough time to do so. And at other times, I was just too tired and sleep deprived to write or even think about writing. And then there are these frequently non-creative days when my writer’s block hits and keeps me asleep, creatively.
I’m writing tonight because I so much want to and because I had some little time to rest today. It’s taking some effort to make sense even to myself but I’m trying to pen down whatever comes into my mind. I won’t recheck it or reread it to pick out mistakes. Tonight is my night to be completely random and senseless and free.
I’ve been having these heart racing issues ever since I’ve stopped thinking about my fairy-tale. It’s not that I don’t want it, I do, even after being denied of it time and again, with all my heart-that might be one reason that my heart is giving out. Perhaps it’s tired of all the nonsense that I always put it through. Anyway, it would probably have looked cute if it was just a story and not a real life issue. An issue, which is so elusive that even the doctors are finding it hard to find the root cause and cure. I’m not dodging my doctors. Of course unrequited love is like jumping into dangerous waters, and I did, even though I knew, I couldn’t swim. But I’m not depressed, not anxious, not stressed not even down. If I knew one thing before falling in love, it was that I can control my thoughts. And so I did. No more wishful thinking, no more obsessions about creative twists that my life could have taken. In fact, no more missing my loved ones. Not even a small thought, stealthily slipping into my mind- nil, nada! And studies aren’t tough. Or, maybe I should say, I’m not finding them tough ’cause, honestly, I don’t bother studying at all, still I’m scoring good. Of course, if I actually do study, I can easily ace my classes. Even without putting any efforts, I’m doing better than 90% of my class. CMH is going great too, alhamdulillah! It’s like suddenly I’m working, with all my heart even though I’m not. The routine is tiresome- hard hours, not as hard as doctors but still, harder than they ever were before. But I know one thing for sure, it can’t get any harder and it will take a LOT more than this hard routine and continuous sickness to put me down. And thanks to this routine, I can focus my mind more than I could ever before, on the task at hand. No time to think about the things that were so important to me two weeks ago.
I never went through any emotional breakdown either. I have never EVER found myself so calm before, in a situation where any other girl would probably be an invalid by now. Some day, I want people to look at me and say with wonder in their eyes and a smile playing on their lips, “You don’t give up, do you?!” And I want that to be the reality of my existence.
My cell is stoned and I don’t know how I’m not freaking out about it for past 4 days. I never thought I would be able to live without whatsapp or telegram or other kinds of social media. Turns out, I miss my pdf files on my cell more than the social media. Sometimes, even I amaze myself.
I have no idea I why named my post “stuck, blocked, scarred but moving”. Beats me…..
Time to sleep….

Diary Entry 134


Dear diary,
do you believe in miracles? Have you ever seen one?
I have, very closely! My miracles have always been the prayers of those who love me. They practically saved me from the recesses of my own mind, a stage where I was nothing more than a statue. A silent, pitiful portrait of misery, all signs of life’s joys sucked out of me. Today, I’m a alive, so full of energy that its hard to displace it. I want to give a helping hand to those in need. I want to shower so much love that the worlds of those around me lit up. I want to express myself so openly that it hurts when I don’t.
Yes, indeed! My life has been nothing but a miracle from the very start! Every step that I have walked, every wrong turn that I took, has somehow sent me to the right places at the right times. Could I be any more thankless? And not just thankless but a thankless selfish brat! I have so much and yet I crave for one more blind turn, one more unusual experience, one more wrong footing and a person to catch me when I’m about to fall. But oh dear Me! I seem to forget every time I enter my fantasy world, that the guy I’m dreaming of, isn’t coming. My savior in this world is none other than Me! I’m the damsel in distress and I am the prince charming I so await. I’m the only person who can save me from me! My self destruct mode is off.
I’m in love, have fallen really hard and in recent few weeks I have broken badly, been in a depressive state so much but I’ve been praying excessively as well. My friends tell me to leave him. He can’t be mine. He’s too hard to get….. And stuff like that. Yes, I keep dealing with this type of comments on daily basis and yes, I have been under so much stress that it seemed like someone was squeezing my windpipe but I came out of all that. I have come out of all that melancholic stage. I’m stronger. I feel invincible even though this isn’t the right word to use, technically. Anyway, throughout my past stress and frustrations Facebook has been my writing-board because logging in here took some extra internet signals that I was short of, at home. So I would paste those poems in here today, in a bit in sha Allah!
So much has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I missed writing so much that it used to hurt inside. I lost myself and I found myself again. I faced the world alone and broken. But I didn’t give up. Thanks to my friends and family. You peeps are a big blessing in my life! I used to keep thinking about the things I would write in here and now, while I’m actually writing in here, I can’t really think properly. My mind is too scattered!
One funny and frustrating thing is happening these days. My aunt and I keep playing games. She’s trying to train me for my inevitable future as a married lady and I’m doing everything in my power(well, a little less than everything- she’s already got a real tough life without me roughing it up a bit more πŸ˜‰ ) to be non-cooperative and cheeky, because I don’t want to be a housewife >.< She sends me North and I end up in South-East πŸ˜€ :/ Anyway, the tug of war sometimes annoys me a lot. Like it did right now. I don’t wanna get up and work when I’m in the middle of something that holds importance for me. Oh and my ears hurt now, from trying to block my aunt and her family out of my ears, with a hands-free on with full volume and a video lecture that I’m trying to concentrate on and understand. Sometimes I just hate it here and at other times, I kinda miss this place. But seriously, I need my peace- a vacuum, a no-sound place in my life. I hate people disturbing my thought chain.
Anyway, my mood has been spoiled, thanks to the people who love me so much!
Like I said, I have grown to be a very stubborn, obstinate, thankless brat and right now I kinda prove it without trying :/
Anyway, getting towards posting the poems I recently wrote and probably another post that keeps disturbing my mind. If I get as far as that without any other disturbance.
P.S: Insurgent DVD version better be great because it has made me wait for so long :/

Diary entry 114


Dear diary,
my mid terms have started and I’m proving true to my clan of “lazy bunch of students.” I’m studying but I don’t want to see these subjects ever in my life again. Today is my statistics exam, and I hate it totally!
Facebook is filled with the comments and statuses of my classmates. I’m going one step further and writing in here πŸ˜€ Anyway, there is one or 2 subject in every semester that is to torture the students or send their GPA down the drain. And sometimes there are such teachers who are not better suited to the subject they are teaching. And if we combine both of these,then mass murder happens. So today, I’m hoping that by some miracle, that doesn’t happen.
Anyway, my blog got unusually high hits the day before yesterday. I was ecstatic off course!
There’s been another development. The post I wrote about DJ Tamz, well I guess, some die-hard fan of his just read it. Off course she’s heart-broken and was asking me why I tagged him. Seems like a nice person with obviously the wrong person as her ideal.I hope the knowledge benefits her somehow. Now it seems like I have done my job. I knew the truth and it was my job to share itΒ  with at least some of the other people. One has gotten to know the truth, I guess that’s enough for me. At least I tried to stop the wrong by the only possible way I knew how. And I’m more peaceful now, alhamdulillah!
I know initially such knowledge about a person whom you hold too high in regard,it hurts. It’s the most natural thing. But it does get better in the end if we let go of things sooner.
I have to go before I start something longer here. Have a paper in the morning and these days I’m more “sleepy-head” than alert and awake head,
Catch you as soon as I can.

 

Diary entry 109


Dear diary,
Last night was fun. It was my birthday and Chloe’s “not-so-surprise,” surprise was wonderful. The cake, the candles, the balloons, the chocolate, little teddy bear, birthday cards, the room decor, and the Army hat πŸ˜€ as if all those things were not enough, there was the birthday song and afterwards Chinese Fried Rice,cooked by Chloe herself!
And then I broke the news that I knew what she was planning and for how long. The ringing laughter afterwards. . . .it was priceless!
My lack of friends made our little endeavour look like a very intimate affair πŸ˜› but thanks to the occasional visits from her friends (who came in to eat cake πŸ˜‰ ) we were never left alone. Which is a good thing, I guess.
And then there was “my alien buddy’s wish.” Two of my best friends in this city are “Archenemies” for each other. What a shocker!!! Oh did I mention,when I talk to you, Chloe gives me a hard time πŸ˜› sometimes πŸ™‚
Opening Google gave me another cute surprise. Google wished me Happy Birthday!!! This means,2 wishes from abroad :DAfterwards, my cousins tried their best to give consent for a marriage. I asked them to find me a Superman and I will marry whenever they want me to πŸ™‚ That was a fun discussion.
And my mum’s message,full of prayers, loved it.
And then there were wishes from the people I never expected to wish. A senior sister from Alhuda, my cousin, some facebook friends . . . . . .
I wish to say thanks to a person,a friend of Chloe’s,who helped her to get my Army hat,in front of me. That’s the only one with which you got away Chloe.
Meeting Peera,well,that’s another story!
Loved the company as always-enjoyed a LOT. And that friend of yours,I wanted to explain things to him,I could,if I tried to,but I suck at talking. . . .so here I am πŸ™‚
And,thank you for the wish(yaay, you can’t object to a thanks now :p ), for the gift that I’m currently enjoying as I write. Means a lot!
And Goldie, Puhleez!!! I’m not that good at writing!
Before I go,I have to let it all out. Just got the news, a little girl, daughter of my mum’s cousin, died yesterday. For a moment, I had to stop and think. I get to live 23 years of my life and a little girl of two and a half dies. Its heart breaking,but its life. I keep questioning myself, what did I do, to deserve such a beautiful life. Guess,nobody ever knows.
First I get a beautiful weather on my birthday, then rain and hail stones. The beauty of rain drops falling on the roads with a splash and occasional hail stones. . . . . Exquisite!
And right now,there’s a nutcase,threatening to go on a killing spree and a suicide mission on facebook. I have to go and deal with that maniac.
Hope to see you soon again.

P.S:Little sister, I love you no matter what. You are a blessing in my life. Don’t be sad for practically no reason!
And Choozay,thank you for making my day even better with those interesting stories you just told :)Goldie,you traitor,I’m singing alone! :-/

Diary entry 93


Dear diary,
I should be studying right now but here I am!
Listening to a song over and over again,shared by a friend, with book opened in front of me and laptop in my lap. Facebook open and talking to my little sister and loving the new transformation in her personality. Loving the change from “damsel in distress” to the “warrior girl.”Hostel is again buzzing with the news of strike and the management has parked buses in old campus again. Seriously management people,did that stop us before?

By the way,its our exam in the morning so I’m not thinking about any idiotic move this time. I have to prepare for my exam and I’m hoping it doesn’t get postponed.
Chloe is asleep. Left me to study by myself so that I can teach her later what I studied. But Kara is here,blogging, chatting on Facebook and listening to a lovely song. Shes gonna kill me when she wakes up πŸ˜€
Maybe I should try to get a little study done by the time she wakes up. For that I’ll have to start studying (which,I’m not at all in mood of). But a girl, even if she’s a super-girl,she’s gotta do,what she’s gotta do.
I should probably go now.
See you soon,if life permits.

diary entry 90


Dear diary,
Girls side is buzzing with the news of strike from hostelites in the morning. Our ex-Provost and my Head of Department,when she was made to leave the office of Provost,people here were so happy (including me.I don’t like her even a little bit) But then the new Provost came and made some ridiculous rules. The girls who used to fight when their mess bill was anywhere near 2000 Rs are furious because provost fixed the amount to 5000 Rs,irrespective of how many meals were taken.
Then there is the rule that every girl has to return to hostel before 5p.m and regular classes end at 05:30 p.m and at 08:30p.m for MS students.
God save the Queen!
There are some more rules like going home only on weekends,washing our clothes only on weekends,can’t use university transport except on Sundays,can’t go home after 5p.m unless our family comes to pick us from hostel.No internet after 1 a.m.
I mean seriously,did she think she would get away with these rules and girls wont say a word?
And to add spark to the fuel,most of university related pages of facebook have practically become a war-front for males and females.Females are so touchy about the subject that they would gladly lecture anyone who tries to antagonize them tonight and you know guys. . . .they are doing just “That!!!”
I am a very neutral kinda person most of the time.But,hell,even I have objection on some of those rules.If I go home on a weekend,there is no way I can make it back to hostel before 5p.m unless I start my journey at 10 am or so.Leaving uni on Friday reaching home on Friday night and then again leaving for uni early on Sunday morning.Its like going just to touch my destination and running back to the pavilion.I’m not competing in a race for God’s sake!
:-/
Anyway,If there is a strike I would be sure to be a part of it.Even if it means getting out of my bed at 5am and marching towards transport office and blocking the way of my uni buses.Not to get those rules changed,but just for the sake of fun πŸ˜‰

Anyway,my meds are making me drowsy again-ALREADY!!! :/

Catch you later,if life permits πŸ™‚

Diary entry 64


Dear diary,

I’ve been fighting with some guys from my university(via Facebook),for past two days. I don’t get it, if you don’t have the patience and courage to listen,why say things that would make others mad? I mean,you make someone mad,be sure they would do a counter attack. Is this so difficult to understand? And believe me, guys burn up very fast(at least the ones in my uni do). It’s as if they ain’t human beings but gasoline waiting for a spark to ignite ’em. Fortunately,or unfortunately for them, I happened to be that spark πŸ˜‰
And you know me, I never give up when I’m right.
Anyway, it was fun. Many came and went.
And then there is this one more thing. They have such a twisted sense of reasoning. tell them one valid point, and they would take the discussion from tying your shoe laces towards climbing Mount Everest.
Seriously?!
That’s all you can come up with?!
In such situations, I enjoy winning the arguments but I enjoy pissing them off more than any thing πŸ˜‰

*sigh*
537225_495993270449992_393584958_nNo more comments for tonight :p

Chao!
P.S:Guys this isn’t a general post. My subjects are strictly some of my university mates(and some others too :p )