Diary entry 105

Dear diary,
every time I write here and  let my inside out,it feels that it was my last time. That I wont be able to write anymore. That I have lost my touch or that I have pen down everything I could write in a lifetime. But not even a day passes that I have something else to say. And once again,the whole process repeats. What a vicious cycle it is! Writing calms me down,it helps me stay sane and cope with my inner demons. It renders me strength and the will to go on. But once I have written everything,my inside just feels empty. I guess there is some kinda issue with my self-esteem. How else would I explain this drowning feeling inside. Something in my life is making me extremely unhappy but I don’t wish to do anything about it.
My life isn’t complicated, I just made it that way. I still am the only person to be able to lift off my self-inflicted curse. There’s something that’s slowly eating away my soul. What type of person would allow self-destruction? Yeah,A Masochist,I know. But I am not one. At least not one with a clinical kinda problem.
All around me,people undergo emotional hurt,loss,pain and suffering. Seeing them, I want to help. It seems so selfish to keep tending to your own wounds when so many others need help with their wounds. It satisfies me to help them. It makes me happy. I forget what I have gotten myself into and the fruit of my hard work with other people give me more pleasure than anything else can ever give.
But the bad thing is,when people I love are hurt, my inside hurts too. People tell me that I should not get close to other people. But how would I help them if I don’t see their lives from a place close enough? I’m training to become a psychologist for God’s sake! What do people want me to do? Forget what empathy feels like?
No,I wont be able to do that. I don’t want to. I can’t let myself be cold-hearted and survive in my profession. I guess I’ll just suffer and keep helping others,for no one can get out of his own story. This is mine and I have to take it to a proper ending.
Anyway, a friend’s sister had a baby today and I’m so happy on the news. I don’t know the gender yet. But whatever the gender, it’s a big news and a happy one. Waiting to see what that baby looks like. Fingers crossed!
My eyes hurt again and I have an assignment to make. So…..see you soon,if life permits!

P.S:Just got the news. It’s a baby boy 🙂 A lotsa congrats to my Alien buddy from my side!

Diary entry 88

Dear diary,

Presentation went great alhamdulillah! Our teacher loved it and some class fellows were actually listening too :p
Dearie,I have so many mixed thoughts about my (not so secret any more)endeavor.Should I continue on my journey or should I take a break?Should I be even using evil means to eradicate an even bigger evil?
Well,I know evil can’t eradicate evil.So I’m going to ask Allah (SWT) for guidance in this matter. I’m sure He will guide me in the matter and won’t leave me alone. The things I did in past some days were kinda rash, I know it,I realize it. I was impulsive and this impulse could be the death of me. I can’t remember any incident in my past that was based so strongly on impulse. I mean I didn’t have to think about dealing with such a feeling. But just this one came and kinda shocked me and people around me. Yup,I asked myself “What the hell was I thinking?”and so did my friends. I know they still can’t believe I can be such a rash person. . . .
Anyway,my bestie yelled at me again today. And in my desperation and my little moment of weakness,I missed one good friend that I lost in the past who was a good listener. Yeah,I kinda grew sad and then had to slap myself back to present. I’m okay, with occasional feelings of emptiness but then my friends still come to my aid and fill in the gaps. I’m happy and I’m blessed with loving and loyal friends. So what if they sometimes yell at me because they think I messed up again,they do it because they care.
I knew it when my bestie yet again came to my aid. Maybe it was a subconscious gesture when she saved me yet from another trouble but felt to me like the effort made on a very conscious level. In that single moment I felt so special and loved,I can’t even express in words.
And so is this overwhelming feeling as I write these words remembering whatever her way of showing care for me was. I wanna come over and give you a big warm hug dearie!