Diary Entry: Dreams

Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤


Diary Entry: Still Very Much in Love

Dear diary,
I have joined Lahore Garrison University, a place I dreamt of being at, as soon as I came to know it existed. I am on my way to become a Clinical Psychologist. I’m so happy ever since I came here. It’s as if my life has an actual purpose now. I’m finally interested in actual studies. I can finally say I’m content.
My life here in Lahore and my life generally has taken a big twist. Okay, I knew I was much more than I ever let people see in Islamic Uni, but the way I am now, it’s got even me surprised. I’m the new CR for my class, I’m a whole lot social and chatty, even with the people I hardly know. I actually joke around with teachers and participate in class discussions more than perhaps my whole class does, when combined. I’m more confident than I was ever before. I’m not afraid of messing up anymore. This new found confidence is intoxicating. All this positivity, it’s made my life better, happier. I enjoy every single moment of it! Oh, and I have grown busier. CMH in the mornings classes in the evenings.
But you know what hasn’t changed?! My heart. It still aches for a person I still can’t have. In between my elated and euphoric moods, there comes a day or two, every now and then, that brings me sadness and negativity all over again. And even after being so aware of what I am and what I can be, what I can accomplish, I still have that single day that tries to bring me down. And since I don’t have any other reason to loathe myself, my heart fabricates one very convenient one. Because my love is an unrequited one, I start big on self doubting. Maybe I don’t deserve him. Maybe He’s too good for me.
Then comes the stage when I establish, that I’m totally as worth being happy in my life, as the next person. And he’s not too good for me. Once my heart is settled on this fact, I start thinking maybe he thinks I’m not worthy enough to deserve him, which is just a pathetic way of self torture and destruction. And then I have no way of denying that, so I go a little more downward on my self-doubting ride. Then time for a sudden uplift comes. My little sisters come in handy at this stage. They keep telling me he’s a fool for not realizing my worth and that I deserve better than him. And that I’m not the one who doesn’t deserve him, he’s the one who doesn’t deserve me. Which works even though I don’t actually agree. And when they are not around, I take solace in praying to Allah and asking Him to take the love of that person out of my heart and replace it with the person’s love who would be mine and is right for me. And if I have, by some mistake, stumbled upon the right person and currently he resides in my heart, make things easier for me then.
I would be blunt, I would tell him that I’m someone who prided myself in not being a believer of before marriage love. I love my parents so much that I wouldn’t ever dare to cause them pain by betraying them and falling for someone. He would have to be some extra special entity to have made me fall for him, head over heels. And he totally is! If only he’d know. If only he’d let me confess without cutting me off…. If only I could tell him, I accidentally made him my worst weakness and that I’m not interested in a futile relationship. I’m better than that. And yes, I dream but I’m not totally naive. I’m not looking for a temporary, illegal fix for my insanity. The idea of him not being mine and some other lass having him, its hard on my nerves. If I was capable of irrational emotions, I would totally hate the 3rd person. I don’t want to like her but I can’t hate her because I don’t even know her. And even if I did, I wouldn’t hate her for being the centre of affection of the person I love.
Grrrrrrr…… I’m in such a deep emotional mess! And all because I dared to dream. No, I’m never going to be sorry for taking a chance and trying to dream. I won’t apologize for being hopeful and I won’t kill myself for nit being enough.
Guess, I still talk too much >_< But it’s late and I have a sick body to take care if and of course have work in the morning.
See you ASAP.

Winter And You…

Most oft than not,
I think of you, a lot.
When the winter comes
When the cold wraps me
I wonder where you will be
The way you were there,
Far apart, yet near.
A single touch,
A peck on cheek
A light embrace,
Warmth running deep
I keep dreaming of it
All the time.
You see,against me,
It’s my biggest crime
Each gush of memory,
Stronger by night.
I plunge under,
Without a fight.
I’m blue,it’s true…..
I’m sick and tired of memories of You!

Love happened anyway

It’s a dangerous path a friend said.
Don’t let love mess with your head.
I’ll be on my guard, I replied.
And I swear before God, I tried.
But love happened anyway!

It was all new and overwhelming
Beauteous became everything
Pleasures amplified ten folds.
One face, eyes wanted to behold.
Yes, love happened!

I would keep dreaming all day
No time to eat, no time to play.
Come home, my dear loved one.
My pride, happiness, my joy, my fun
Seriously, love happened!

What was yours is now mine
Heart so kind, beauty divine
Sunshine for smile, touch so tender
Warmth and life, your one glance render
Oh boy, love happened!

And My Grief Became You!

A lost dream,before being realized
I felt helpless and my heart cried
An upset mind and a grieved spirit
What a twisted, miserable life!
You knew I wasn’t here to harm
I just wanted to help you heal
But now I know you’re a broken mirror
And I’m torn into pieces,left to bleed
Your shards,cutting deep into my heart
I saw you dying and embraced you tight
Heart-rending sight,unfortunate night
My muffled cries and agonized tears
As I lost you, my beloved baby. . . .
Torn from my arms and buried deep
Thoughts of you wont let me sleep
I ask myself, day in and day out
Who were you?What was all this about?
What I hear now,is silence of a tormented soul
All this fear and sorrow, eating me up,whole
As I lie on my bed,confused
Still thinking of you. . . . . . . .

Diary entry 48

English: Muzaffarabad at night.

Muzaffarabad at night.

Dear diary,
Attempted my 2nd last exam today,went great Alhamdulillah.One more to go and I would be off to Muzaffarabad with Dad and brother. I just wish it all to be over(even this little trip to this city),I miss mum and my little sister.

Management paper please don’t scare the hell outta me,I beg you!

God!I’m tired.

May God save the Queen (yet again).

Gotta go offer Salah and the dear bed,hither I come!


Diary entry 42

Dear diary,

Today I had my first final exam and viva. I always rest properly before going for an exam but last night . . . . . even after going through everything and checking my writing stuff twice, when I hit the bed, I couldn’t sleep. You know I don’t usually dream and my sleep is kinda deep. Last night. . . . . I never stopped having dreams which were not at all related to my exam or studies or anything likewise. I tossed and turned all night and I wanted to kill myself there and then.

Both, exam and viva went superb (Alhamdulillah!) and I didn’t feel even a trace of fatigue when I woke up early for final revision, until late in the afternoon. I wanted to write earlier but couldn’t; now you know why.

Just woke up and feel hungry now 🙂

No promises of posting regularly in exams but I still hope to see you soon.


P.S: Need all the prayers I can get.