Diary Entry: Unsettled

Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!

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To Be, Or Not To Be, That Is The Question

I see a damaged soul instead of seeing myself in the mirror. I see that girl, whose eyes have this far-off look when she sings. As if, she’s in some other time, some other reality, some alternate universe. I see her past and her future. She’s a broken record, a torn piece of cloth, a silver chain that lost it’s shine, a ruined shrine: what’s common, is the damage. What happened?
She was forced to grow up. She was forced to take responsibility, to be mature. But who in the world must define maturity? Is it laughing on the face of adversity? Is it, ignoring the urge to slap a misbehaving child? Is it, not crying in front of anyone and soaking your pillow when alone? What is this maturity?
I see a girl for whom the blooming flowers don’t have any significance anymore because the spring didn’t reach her inside this time around. I see a tortured head, tired eyes, a fake smile on a gloomy face. I see misery that’s self-created, monsters waiting for the warrior to strike back and a warrior with wounded pride. I see darkness with a hint of light. Only a dot perhaps. I see the sky, meeting the ocean, but too far, on the horizon. I see opportunities, just a little beyond her reach. I see life draped in the cloak of death.
To be, or not to be? And what will be if when she ceases to be?
No, I won’t answer that. It’s, perhaps, more depressing than the post itself. When death comes, it comes. the fear isn’t of dying but of the process itself. The difficulty isn’t in living right now but in enjoying the luxuries with no or lesser effort.
I remember, once, not long ago, there was a girl I shared my room with, I called her my friend. She’s gone now. Only her memories remain. The hurt, the low moods and the occasional depressive thoughts…..
A hug from my mum would definitely make me feel better and there is a mother who can never hug her daughter again. So many people have bigger problems than I do.
I decide to be, as long as I can be. For this life, is a treasure and I, the keeper. So I decide to take life, over death. For difficulties come to make us realize that we are still alive. I’ll just have to go and find the warrior inside again. The sooner, the better.

Title: opening phrase of a dialogue Hamlet, Act III, Scene I.
By William Shakespeare

You Did Not Die Alone, You Took A Part of Me With You!

I could not stop- I could not stop myself from writing and I still can’t stop crying. It’s Tuesday, December 16,2014; a day that never failed to hurt us, as a nation and as one People. It’s a day, that world saw the two parts of Pakistan finally break into two sovereign nations and it’s a day which saw countless little kids losing their precious lives.
How could I stop? How could I not say a word on this whole massacre of innocents in Army Public School And College, Peshawar? I have a long History with Army Public School and College. It’s the name that became my introduction 20 years ago. It’s the name that makes the feeling of love bubble in my chest. It’s a name I call my own! And it’s a name I would lay my life down for!
It’s a day when so many innocent kids met their unfortunate end by bullets fired on their heads. It’s a day when being an Army Brat makes me proud of myself. For we are not cowards! We take bullets in our chests,we don’t turn our backs and run away!
Oh,it breaks my heart even to think of what their parents would be going through,right now. It’s not easy, to have to bury your child. It’s never easy to see your siblings go 6 feet down and under…..
My little brother and sister,they are still going to Army Public,even though, I know, my school and college have been threatened countless times,when I was still a student. The pictures circulating on the internet(which I won’t attach here),one picture resembles my little brother so much that it gave me creeps.(My family is safe Alhamdulillah!)
On one side I’m crying for the little brothers and sisters I lost today and on the other, I’m actually glad that it wasn’t in my city pr my siblings. My siblings were not in the place of those unfortunate souls. Does that make me any selfish? I wish people would stop posting emotional stuff on social media. It’s so depressing. I’ve been crying for past 3 hours and I can’t stop.
But being a Muslim, I do believe, and it’s my duty to say it out loud, that NO MUSLIM CAN KILL INNOCENTS. IT’S AGAINST  THE TEACHINGS OF ISLAM. NO ONE CAN KILL IN COLD BLOOD AND THEN CLAIM TO BE A MUSLIM. Call me naive or whatever, but my Muslim brothers can’t kill other Muslim brothers. And I don’t care what the brutes of other worlds say about my religion and my people, what I know about my people, they don’t! It’s easy to talk with their big mouths from far away, it’s so difficult to endure. The loss we had today shows that Muslims are not the Terrorists,as portrayed by the whole stupid media, we are the VICTIMS! The flower buds we lost today,before they could even blossom, are the living proof of that!

Diary Entry:I fogot the number…

Dear diary,
yeah,its been 3 months. I missed you too. I’m writing,which means I’m back in hostel. And I don’t wanna add anymore tonight. No,there’s so much to say but I’m too numb to actually care. Just wanted to come back and say Hi.
Will see you as soon as my mood swings permit.

Go get a life people!!!

Looking at me,some people see a stern,proud and serious face most of the time(I’m not proud or stern in the least,this I assure you.).Yeah,I have a face-and its the not-so-serious-face too but I just don’t get why all people see is pride and seriousness in it.Yeah,I get it,I may not be in my best mood most of the time-though this isn’t true but still lets say for the argument’s sake that I’m in a crappy mood,but does it give you open permission to judge me huh???!!!

You may be amazed-what happened to her so suddenly-its not sudden at all.A cousin of mine endlessly taunts me about being proud-and it has gone from annoying to enraging!.I did ask him what his problem is-nicely at first,heatedly afterwards-but to no avail.Now,I’m getting used to the idea-SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE JUST TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A HELL!!!Just because they think you are awesome and better than ’em,they would hate you!

What disturbed me was that without even actually knowing me,he was so judgmental.

I know,I don’t talk much in crowds or when my elders are around.But I’m life of the party when with my friends and my most cousins.Just because I’m fierce in dealing with things that are wrong and people (kinda)fear my rage,doesn’t mean I’m the most rude entity on the face of earth.It certainly doesn’t mean you can’t get a chance to know me.


And at last,to those jerks who try to judge me without actually trying to know me better first-you think I’m proud,SO BE IT!!!WOW-jealous much???!!!

I don’t care anymore!!!And yeah,I’d call a spoon a lolly-pop if I want to.Nothing I do or show is any of your business.In a toss if I say upon head I win and upon tail you lose,best not to argue-you ain’t winning.So,either you accept me the way I am,or get the hell outta my life.I’d live the way I want to-nothing you say or do can change that.


My life,my decisions

I have this feeling today,this life of mine is a fairytale without a prince charming,a step mother and stepsisters,without wicked witches and a fairy godmother.In short i live in this story of my own with no climax.yeah,I’m bored,I’m disturbed,distressed,unhappy,sometimes too happy,but that’s about it.nothing special,nothing out of ordinary!

Tonight is one of those nights when my heart suffers so endlessly,when it cries of no fathomable reason,when it feels so alone and lonely. Let me assure you I’m not alone-literally,neither am I a loner.I used to think that I’m good at being nobody,when I wish to.I’m good to move with the flow of the world. But now I’ve realized that probably I’m not! I think I’m one of those people who can’t hold their tongue when they have something valid to say. Who don’t back down easily,who are courageous fighters. Yeah I am a person who would never except life as it is. I believe,no one could chalk my ways better than me.I don’t want someone else to write my life for me when I could write it better on my own,and I won’t even accept any such favour.

“thanks,but no thanks.”