Diary Entry:Promises


Dear diary,

for once I didn’t have to think hard to choose a title for my post. It’s a biggie in my world, where I totally suck at picking titles. Anyway, I was just sitting idle, thinking about my teacher, whom by the way I love but who isn’t talking to me for some days now. She’s pissed at me or walking for an hour and ending up with blisters on my feet, which by the way, have healed. But she’s still pissed. And I don’t know if there is more that’s been fueling her anger. She talks to me fine when we are around each other in the university but she’s been on constant one or two syllable replies when I try to talk her to open the flood gates. I know I deserve a good scolding. That’s something I can deal with. The silence is just something I can’t take and digest. But boy! is she stubborn!!!
Well, I get it, she’s giving me a taste of my own medicine. But I would never hold out on someone for so long. It’s been a week now. And as simple as that, I miss her. I miss her very very much. I miss talking to her, laughing with her, pulling goofy jokes at her, just to see her smile one more time or imagine her smiling. She has the most wonderful smile. She’s beautiful in her own cheeky way.
And I miss her! All the time. I actually feel down right now, and sort of upset on not being able to talk to her, even though I realize that now that she is the head of department, she is even more busy than before and she’s already a workaholic too. But I miss her so badly.
Now I know why my mum keeps lecturing me about not coming off as too intense. I get it, perfectly well. I guess love and I, we don’t go well together. And yes she is stubborn but I’m the Queen of stubbornness. I won’t give up on her. At least, I don’t plan on it. And for an nth time, I don’t know what to do…….
This reminds me of one of my patients. We are not actually allowed to talk about them but I guess he won’t mind because he’s such a good kid. Well, his father told me during an interview that this kid is amazing when it comes to giving advise. His ideas are sincere and well thought and foolproof. But the kid complained that he can’t decide stuff for his own self. He kept thinking that his decisions would mess things up. I feel like him right now. I mean, not that I’m claiming that I’m good at giving advice but the next part. I’m sucking right now, at telling myself what to do next. And I have a case report to formulate. I have no desire to work on it and no motivation either. Even though I know it’s due tomorrow. I guess I’ll just eat dinner and go to sleep and freakout in the morning- again!
Guess it’s Ciao for now.

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Diary Entry: Dreams


Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤

Diary Entry: Unsettled


Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
*Sigh*
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!

Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..


Dear diary,
my cell needs a fix and so does my heart. My cell isn’t charging, it burned me today. My heart is alight as well, on fire. Things seem to get easier when I am on the prayer mat and as soon as I get up, the constriction of air of my lungs, the tears in my eyes and the feeling of my heart being so full that it would explode, return. Matters of our hearts are really hard to sort out. Being in love doesn’t help the case either. I’m hurting inside and the people who love me are rejoicing that I have chosen to turn back to my old, more restrained and conservative self. I have chosen to be good in eyes of Allah(SWT) and being obedient to Him. But it hurts like hell inside 😥 The bouts of crying in secret-fearing that someone would notice and ask questions….. It’s hard. It’s excruciating! And the fear of losing what I don’t possess…..it kills me! In past few days I have lost more than I have gained. I have started building walls around me again. It’s going to drive me insane…..the loneliness, the emptiness, the void….. But I have Allah. And I don’t really need any more help. He will deal with the lack of strength. He will hold me. I love Him and I’m sure, He loves me too. I don’t really need anything else!
My Gosh! These people!!! they just won’t leave me alone for a bit! I’m close to fuming now :@ What is wrong with them?! Don’t they know I want to be left alone?! I know they care for me but they care a little too much! I don’t want any of that! I just want to be left alone to get some peace of mind….. To really connect with Allah…..To hold myself together. It hurts and annoys me when people ask too many questions. And I just snapped at my cousin on that. Goodness, I’m losing it! And only because I don’t want to change?! Is there any end to my misgivings? Is there any end to the hardness of my heart or harsh behaviour that I show? They are only trying to help. What they don’t realise is that they can’t! Only Allah can!
I’ve been hurt before. Not this badly, but I have. The only difference was that the first time I got hurt, it was at the hands of a person I called my best friend. And this time around I got hurt at my own hands. I don’t know which one is the worse but I do know that what has already come to pass, hurts me no more. But what’s now and here, its so hard to bear! Why did I have to fall in love? Why did I have to let it consume me whole?
I pray…I pray, harder than I ever have, before. I pray for peace of mind and heart. I pray to have him, claim him as mine, in an Islamically legal way. I pray that his heart melts too, at some point. I pray that if he’s not good for me, I forget any feelings for him that keep me awake at nights, praying, and that renders my days an endless series of daydreams that,despite being unfulfilled, make me smile often to myself and sigh, and want to cry of sheer pain at other times, that I feel inside ’cause I don’t have him.
My problem is that I can’t do justice with my own poor soul. I love with all I have and all that I am. I don’t keep anything to myself. I trust, I give people chances to hurt me, to stab me, and when they do, I turn inward, seek seclusion of my own body, to tend to the wounds that I helped others to give me. I’m that way. And I don’t know how not to be me! I wasn’t cut out to be merciless, at least for others. What I do to myself, I don’t know how not to.
Anyway, I was trying to watch Insurgent(FINALLY!!!) It’s pretty to look at, story aside. The scenes are kinda amazing. I just want people to stop barging into my room and let me see without pauses and breaks. But I definitely can’t say it on their face. I think I already hurt my aunt about 20 minutes ago when I told her that its annoying that her family(she included-but I didn’t tell her that,) asks too many questions. I know they do that to try to figure me out and help but its annoying. And let’s face it, they can’t really figure me out, can they? I’m someone who rarely shows her true self and seeing my past five years out of my city and how I spent them, and how people took advantage of me, trusting them, I doubt that anyone will ever see that door open EVER again. (Yup, I know I used ever twice in the same sentence- not in the mood of letting my grammar Nazi self win tonight!)
Anyway, I have to get back to my movie, watch it and go to sleep as soon as I finish with my dinner and Salah.
See you when I’m perturbed again(which will happen soon enough I guess).
Oh, and I do feel better after pouring my heart in here.
Ciao!

Diary Entry 134


Dear diary,
do you believe in miracles? Have you ever seen one?
I have, very closely! My miracles have always been the prayers of those who love me. They practically saved me from the recesses of my own mind, a stage where I was nothing more than a statue. A silent, pitiful portrait of misery, all signs of life’s joys sucked out of me. Today, I’m a alive, so full of energy that its hard to displace it. I want to give a helping hand to those in need. I want to shower so much love that the worlds of those around me lit up. I want to express myself so openly that it hurts when I don’t.
Yes, indeed! My life has been nothing but a miracle from the very start! Every step that I have walked, every wrong turn that I took, has somehow sent me to the right places at the right times. Could I be any more thankless? And not just thankless but a thankless selfish brat! I have so much and yet I crave for one more blind turn, one more unusual experience, one more wrong footing and a person to catch me when I’m about to fall. But oh dear Me! I seem to forget every time I enter my fantasy world, that the guy I’m dreaming of, isn’t coming. My savior in this world is none other than Me! I’m the damsel in distress and I am the prince charming I so await. I’m the only person who can save me from me! My self destruct mode is off.
I’m in love, have fallen really hard and in recent few weeks I have broken badly, been in a depressive state so much but I’ve been praying excessively as well. My friends tell me to leave him. He can’t be mine. He’s too hard to get….. And stuff like that. Yes, I keep dealing with this type of comments on daily basis and yes, I have been under so much stress that it seemed like someone was squeezing my windpipe but I came out of all that. I have come out of all that melancholic stage. I’m stronger. I feel invincible even though this isn’t the right word to use, technically. Anyway, throughout my past stress and frustrations Facebook has been my writing-board because logging in here took some extra internet signals that I was short of, at home. So I would paste those poems in here today, in a bit in sha Allah!
So much has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I missed writing so much that it used to hurt inside. I lost myself and I found myself again. I faced the world alone and broken. But I didn’t give up. Thanks to my friends and family. You peeps are a big blessing in my life! I used to keep thinking about the things I would write in here and now, while I’m actually writing in here, I can’t really think properly. My mind is too scattered!
One funny and frustrating thing is happening these days. My aunt and I keep playing games. She’s trying to train me for my inevitable future as a married lady and I’m doing everything in my power(well, a little less than everything- she’s already got a real tough life without me roughing it up a bit more 😉 ) to be non-cooperative and cheeky, because I don’t want to be a housewife >.< She sends me North and I end up in South-East 😀 :/ Anyway, the tug of war sometimes annoys me a lot. Like it did right now. I don’t wanna get up and work when I’m in the middle of something that holds importance for me. Oh and my ears hurt now, from trying to block my aunt and her family out of my ears, with a hands-free on with full volume and a video lecture that I’m trying to concentrate on and understand. Sometimes I just hate it here and at other times, I kinda miss this place. But seriously, I need my peace- a vacuum, a no-sound place in my life. I hate people disturbing my thought chain.
Anyway, my mood has been spoiled, thanks to the people who love me so much!
Like I said, I have grown to be a very stubborn, obstinate, thankless brat and right now I kinda prove it without trying :/
Anyway, getting towards posting the poems I recently wrote and probably another post that keeps disturbing my mind. If I get as far as that without any other disturbance.
P.S: Insurgent DVD version better be great because it has made me wait for so long :/

To Be, Or Not To Be, That Is The Question


I see a damaged soul instead of seeing myself in the mirror. I see that girl, whose eyes have this far-off look when she sings. As if, she’s in some other time, some other reality, some alternate universe. I see her past and her future. She’s a broken record, a torn piece of cloth, a silver chain that lost it’s shine, a ruined shrine: what’s common, is the damage. What happened?
She was forced to grow up. She was forced to take responsibility, to be mature. But who in the world must define maturity? Is it laughing on the face of adversity? Is it, ignoring the urge to slap a misbehaving child? Is it, not crying in front of anyone and soaking your pillow when alone? What is this maturity?
I see a girl for whom the blooming flowers don’t have any significance anymore because the spring didn’t reach her inside this time around. I see a tortured head, tired eyes, a fake smile on a gloomy face. I see misery that’s self-created, monsters waiting for the warrior to strike back and a warrior with wounded pride. I see darkness with a hint of light. Only a dot perhaps. I see the sky, meeting the ocean, but too far, on the horizon. I see opportunities, just a little beyond her reach. I see life draped in the cloak of death.
To be, or not to be? And what will be if when she ceases to be?
No, I won’t answer that. It’s, perhaps, more depressing than the post itself. When death comes, it comes. the fear isn’t of dying but of the process itself. The difficulty isn’t in living right now but in enjoying the luxuries with no or lesser effort.
I remember, once, not long ago, there was a girl I shared my room with, I called her my friend. She’s gone now. Only her memories remain. The hurt, the low moods and the occasional depressive thoughts…..
*sigh*
A hug from my mum would definitely make me feel better and there is a mother who can never hug her daughter again. So many people have bigger problems than I do.
I decide to be, as long as I can be. For this life, is a treasure and I, the keeper. So I decide to take life, over death. For difficulties come to make us realize that we are still alive. I’ll just have to go and find the warrior inside again. The sooner, the better.

Title: opening phrase of a dialogue Hamlet, Act III, Scene I.
By William Shakespeare

Diary Entry:Writing From Hell-hole


Dear diary,
It’s been so long since I last wrote but I’ve missed writing so much that I’ve started to get overwhelmed by the ideas I get these days. My finals are just around the corner and so is SIST 2015. My Internship was supposed to end by the end of January but it got extended til February 10,2015. I’ve been living in AFIC-NIHD AFNS Officers Mess for past 19 days. At first, it felt like I’ve been living any Army dream. But now that I have this life,no matter how temporary, I feel as if my own room in my university hostel is my only link to my sanity. It’s my only safe haven! I don’t wanna live here anymore! The food is good and ample but I don’t have any peace of mind. I haven’t been able to sleep comfortably at night, since I came to this Godforsaken place, so, when It’s finally time to wake up, I’m too tired to leave the bed :/ I usually spend my days either in hospital where I waste my entire time waiting for a miracle to happen or in bed, waiting for another miracle to happen. Sometimes I forget how loneliness gnaws at my soul because I have a friend by my side(virtually-even though i wish it was in flesh and blood) and at other times, I miss my teddy bear,who probably misses me too,sitting alone on my bed in my Uni hostel. My only escape ever from this rotten routine is when I go out, roam the roads of Pindi, with lots of things that I need to buy but end up not buying because I dread going in to shops and getting them. So I end up either eating or buying a lot of edibles that I finish before the night is even up!
I miss my home,my family. But even when my exams are over,I wont be able to go home because of my internship. I miss my friends but I wont be able to share any new moments with them because I wont be in hostel to be with them. And the worst part is,that the internship sucks too! It’s nothing like my old one, and I miss my supervisor so much in moments like this.
I’ve been reading 3 books these days. But I can’t find peace in them any longer. I am bored to my core!!!
I missed my presentations and I don’t seem to care any more. I don’t freaking have prepared for my finals and I don’t give a damn about. I just need a time out! I wish there was something like a time out in real life, I so dearly wish!
Someone told me today that I’m an ordinary girl,desperate for uniform, in my inbox. Yeah,great,that tells so much about you too! Plus even if I’m desperate, I don’t see myself drooling over your uniform, I want one for me, not a uniform clad husband for heaven’s sake! But telling an ass hole all this, wont turn him into a gentleman. And such a person douche-bag is not even worth my answer.
Anyway, I can’t say life isn’t good,perhaps its too good and I can’t appreciate it anymore. I need to see the good things in life that I used to notice before. I need to go back to the way I was not long before. I need to let go of this miserable and unsatisfied persona I keep carrying around with me. I need to live a little more!!!
May be,one of my aimless walks through the city would help me right now.
I should be moving, don’t wanna get late.

Until we meet again!