The Need, the Struggle, the Block!


A quote by D.W Winnicott is stuck in my mind right now. He stated, and I couldn’t agree more that “Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.” But when I try to analyze my own self through this criteria, I keep feeling that I have this need, deep inside to communicate. I didn’t use the word desire. I said “need.” Because, it sure feels like a need.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with my teacher who said that I hide. I’m not very “talky, talky.” And to that I replied, I share but nobody listens. Is it not what happens all around us? Don’t you think that the need to say stuff and not being able to get it off your chest is one of the major reason that people sometimes snap?! Being a Clinical Psychology student, I have witnessed the struggle. Hell, I have struggled with this all my life and I still am struggling with the concept every day. At the end of the day, my mind keeps telling me, nobody cares and nobody listens so why bother?! And thus, a “Quiet-Me” comes into existence.

But if we stop for a minute, to listen to someone, who wishes to share something that may be very moot or pointless for us but very precious or important for the other person, then we might help in reducing the exponential increases in Psychological problems.

It takes courage for a person to reach out and voice their inner feelings. Believe me, I know the struggle! And sometimes, the person voicing those feelings doesn’t even need for you to give them a solution to their problem. They are merely in search of an attentive ear. Our Dean, today asked what could be done to reduce stress or anxiety or depression from our society. One very easy solution came into my mind. Talking less, Listening more! So why not Listen?!

And then comes the point where people don’t know how to differentiate between hearing and listening. We go out, there are multiple voices that our mind registers. Some of them we concentrate on and some of them we get so used to that we simply ignore or don’t think to be a big deal. That’s hearing. Listening on the other hand involves a little bit more effort from our brain. It requires attention and understanding or at least an attempt on understanding whatever is being said. That being said, Listen to people if they come to you for help. If you don’t, they might just block you out, never to try to be close with anyone again.

A little effort on our part can save a lot of lives!

 

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Diary Entry: Oh the Downs!


Dear diary,

By now, I know, I should be able to pull through bad mood swings but I haven’t.I have an exam on the coming Saturday, my final research methodology exam, for which I’m not prepared even in the least- AGAIN! I’m still home but mum has been really accommodating where studies are concerned. She is letting me sit and try to study, which previously I thought was kinda impossible at home. I actually did get some stuff done and out of the way. But there is a constant gloomy cloud over my head since last night. Mum has inquired more than twice today, if something is wrong with me, if I’m hiding something….. Of course something is wrong with me and of course I’m hiding something, but my dear mum, you don’t need to know that, because I know that if you know, you’ll worry yourself sick. Plus, its my personal weakness and my own private battle to fight. Its January- the month in which my roommate died, two years back. For past 2 years, it has been bringing me low moods, anxiety and bad health. Once it passes, I recover on my own. I know her death has affected me more severely than I would like to admit but its a fact. I don’t know how long it would take me to get rid of this type of reactions from my physical being. or if I ever would…..

I think, for me to heal properly, I need closure. I need to stop running. But I don’t know how to do it.

Sometimes, I wish, there was someone, with whom I could share, getting past my inhibitions. But every single time I have tried opening up, people tend to run in the opposite direction. I don’t if it’s the intensity of the emotions or just their plain lack of interest that drives them away. And then it forces me to pull back and hide myself in layers upon layers of superficial “I’m perfectly spiffingly amazing aura,” and deal with my share of pain, all alone, inside, with oblivious people around me. Sometimes I wish, for people to try, at least for a little bit, to understand what goes on inside my head, instead of judging me and labeling me with labels like “a secretive person or a complex entity.” But nobody looks at me and sees someone tired of hiding behind layers. All they see is someone who doesn’t complain openly. All they see, is bravery, stubbornness and a strong will. Nobody deciphers how much of a sham these things have become.

There is so much I want to say, so much that my insides constantly scream when my tongue is completely silent and stone cold. Most often than not, I dwell at a lonely place. A place where nobody comes to visit. A place filled with the downs but the very place that has me in its strong hold.

And there is a blockage inside my head right now. It might be because I’m hungry.

Til next time……

Diary Entry: Dreams


Dear diary,
Dreams SUCK!
I should know, I’m a sucker for dreams. The daydreams. Not the ones seen with closed eyes. And my dream institute sucks big time as well. Not exactly the institute, but some parts of it. Major portions!
For example, my university’s hostel and management. Garrison University held a such charm in my naive mind, before I was officially a part of it. Now I know, it was made for one purpose and one purpose alone; Business!
Yes, I’m ashamed to say, that they have turned such a sacred task of transfer of knowledge into merchandise. The more students advance through their grades, the more expensive the degrees become and with hectic routines in which one can’t even do a part time job to earn, sadly enough, we; those who wish to get higher education, are breaking our parents’ backbone by taking so much money.
As if that’s not enough, mess charges are increased, whenever the management wishes to do so, without prior notice or consent. For the sake of their advertisement, they have mentioned on their website that the hostel is fully furnished(yeah, I put my stuff in an invisible cupboard everyday, and sleep on an invisible bed. How charming! )
On one side, this place has helped me in my personal growth and on the other, its the reason of a constant disappointment, rage, depression, frustration and all other such
ugly emotions- you name it!
I’m tired of this city, I’m tired of this place. Islamabad was heaven compared to this hellhole here! I wanna go back, so badly!
Waiting for any such miracle!
I must go. I’m so exhausted :/
As for these relentless people- will see you guys in front of Allah! He will see to your injustice there and then.
May Allah help save us all from such hypocritical lot, that comprises my university management.

P.S: Dear Islamabad, I miss you so badly and I would try my level best to come back soon ❤

Sometimes Even The Supergirl Needs Saving


Life has a certain taint of irony to it. It is so fairly  unfair. It builds you up to break you down. It makes you euphoric only to send you spiraling down to depression. It’s easy to be alive and yet hard to live. Doors close to your face, and open behind you. It squeezes the life out of you, when you are not looking and fills you with the energy when you need it the least. Life is peculiar. And maybe that’s the only reason that it is so interesting to live.
Everyone knows her to be strong. Her friends call her supergirl. She calls herself, stubborn. When she’s stuck at a place, nothing moves her. People come, people argue, people bang their heads, they see a stone and people go. She doesn’t budge when things she’s passionate about are at stake. She’s that difficult but extremely easy as well.
She stands like a dude, in social gatherings she’s almost mute. She hates people and yet loves to save them. She’s a sucker for misery and pain. Can’t stand either of those. Emotions rule her and so does a level head. She doesn’t love, she melts. In anger she’s a grenade with its pin out. She’s the kind of person who would die for the ones she loves. And here’s where the life brings a twist.
A girl, who runs to save the world- the world of her beloveds, when she needs saving, people put their foot on her cape. Sometimes, bigger hurts are easier to endure, with patience. and at other times, little things may make her to cry her eyes out.
She’s patient, she will give you space. She gives so many chances before you can actually break her. She won’t ask you to fight beside her- NEVER! But, is it asking too much if she sometimes wishes you to stand close and do nothing? Just watch her while she saves the world?
Where does the supergirl or a superwoman go, when she’s hurt? Who tends to her wounds? Who tells her, that everything would be okay, that life is difficult but she”s not a quitter?
You know what the problem here is?!
If a girl is strong, people start expecting her to be invincible. They think that a strong woman won’t break. But even the supergirl gets hurt with Kryptonite, that does serious damage. She’s strong but she’s not immune to emotions. Sometimes, even the supergirl needs saving…….

Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..


Dear diary,
my cell needs a fix and so does my heart. My cell isn’t charging, it burned me today. My heart is alight as well, on fire. Things seem to get easier when I am on the prayer mat and as soon as I get up, the constriction of air of my lungs, the tears in my eyes and the feeling of my heart being so full that it would explode, return. Matters of our hearts are really hard to sort out. Being in love doesn’t help the case either. I’m hurting inside and the people who love me are rejoicing that I have chosen to turn back to my old, more restrained and conservative self. I have chosen to be good in eyes of Allah(SWT) and being obedient to Him. But it hurts like hell inside 😥 The bouts of crying in secret-fearing that someone would notice and ask questions….. It’s hard. It’s excruciating! And the fear of losing what I don’t possess…..it kills me! In past few days I have lost more than I have gained. I have started building walls around me again. It’s going to drive me insane…..the loneliness, the emptiness, the void….. But I have Allah. And I don’t really need any more help. He will deal with the lack of strength. He will hold me. I love Him and I’m sure, He loves me too. I don’t really need anything else!
My Gosh! These people!!! they just won’t leave me alone for a bit! I’m close to fuming now :@ What is wrong with them?! Don’t they know I want to be left alone?! I know they care for me but they care a little too much! I don’t want any of that! I just want to be left alone to get some peace of mind….. To really connect with Allah…..To hold myself together. It hurts and annoys me when people ask too many questions. And I just snapped at my cousin on that. Goodness, I’m losing it! And only because I don’t want to change?! Is there any end to my misgivings? Is there any end to the hardness of my heart or harsh behaviour that I show? They are only trying to help. What they don’t realise is that they can’t! Only Allah can!
I’ve been hurt before. Not this badly, but I have. The only difference was that the first time I got hurt, it was at the hands of a person I called my best friend. And this time around I got hurt at my own hands. I don’t know which one is the worse but I do know that what has already come to pass, hurts me no more. But what’s now and here, its so hard to bear! Why did I have to fall in love? Why did I have to let it consume me whole?
I pray…I pray, harder than I ever have, before. I pray for peace of mind and heart. I pray to have him, claim him as mine, in an Islamically legal way. I pray that his heart melts too, at some point. I pray that if he’s not good for me, I forget any feelings for him that keep me awake at nights, praying, and that renders my days an endless series of daydreams that,despite being unfulfilled, make me smile often to myself and sigh, and want to cry of sheer pain at other times, that I feel inside ’cause I don’t have him.
My problem is that I can’t do justice with my own poor soul. I love with all I have and all that I am. I don’t keep anything to myself. I trust, I give people chances to hurt me, to stab me, and when they do, I turn inward, seek seclusion of my own body, to tend to the wounds that I helped others to give me. I’m that way. And I don’t know how not to be me! I wasn’t cut out to be merciless, at least for others. What I do to myself, I don’t know how not to.
Anyway, I was trying to watch Insurgent(FINALLY!!!) It’s pretty to look at, story aside. The scenes are kinda amazing. I just want people to stop barging into my room and let me see without pauses and breaks. But I definitely can’t say it on their face. I think I already hurt my aunt about 20 minutes ago when I told her that its annoying that her family(she included-but I didn’t tell her that,) asks too many questions. I know they do that to try to figure me out and help but its annoying. And let’s face it, they can’t really figure me out, can they? I’m someone who rarely shows her true self and seeing my past five years out of my city and how I spent them, and how people took advantage of me, trusting them, I doubt that anyone will ever see that door open EVER again. (Yup, I know I used ever twice in the same sentence- not in the mood of letting my grammar Nazi self win tonight!)
Anyway, I have to get back to my movie, watch it and go to sleep as soon as I finish with my dinner and Salah.
See you when I’m perturbed again(which will happen soon enough I guess).
Oh, and I do feel better after pouring my heart in here.
Ciao!

Diary Entry 134


Dear diary,
do you believe in miracles? Have you ever seen one?
I have, very closely! My miracles have always been the prayers of those who love me. They practically saved me from the recesses of my own mind, a stage where I was nothing more than a statue. A silent, pitiful portrait of misery, all signs of life’s joys sucked out of me. Today, I’m a alive, so full of energy that its hard to displace it. I want to give a helping hand to those in need. I want to shower so much love that the worlds of those around me lit up. I want to express myself so openly that it hurts when I don’t.
Yes, indeed! My life has been nothing but a miracle from the very start! Every step that I have walked, every wrong turn that I took, has somehow sent me to the right places at the right times. Could I be any more thankless? And not just thankless but a thankless selfish brat! I have so much and yet I crave for one more blind turn, one more unusual experience, one more wrong footing and a person to catch me when I’m about to fall. But oh dear Me! I seem to forget every time I enter my fantasy world, that the guy I’m dreaming of, isn’t coming. My savior in this world is none other than Me! I’m the damsel in distress and I am the prince charming I so await. I’m the only person who can save me from me! My self destruct mode is off.
I’m in love, have fallen really hard and in recent few weeks I have broken badly, been in a depressive state so much but I’ve been praying excessively as well. My friends tell me to leave him. He can’t be mine. He’s too hard to get….. And stuff like that. Yes, I keep dealing with this type of comments on daily basis and yes, I have been under so much stress that it seemed like someone was squeezing my windpipe but I came out of all that. I have come out of all that melancholic stage. I’m stronger. I feel invincible even though this isn’t the right word to use, technically. Anyway, throughout my past stress and frustrations Facebook has been my writing-board because logging in here took some extra internet signals that I was short of, at home. So I would paste those poems in here today, in a bit in sha Allah!
So much has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I missed writing so much that it used to hurt inside. I lost myself and I found myself again. I faced the world alone and broken. But I didn’t give up. Thanks to my friends and family. You peeps are a big blessing in my life! I used to keep thinking about the things I would write in here and now, while I’m actually writing in here, I can’t really think properly. My mind is too scattered!
One funny and frustrating thing is happening these days. My aunt and I keep playing games. She’s trying to train me for my inevitable future as a married lady and I’m doing everything in my power(well, a little less than everything- she’s already got a real tough life without me roughing it up a bit more 😉 ) to be non-cooperative and cheeky, because I don’t want to be a housewife >.< She sends me North and I end up in South-East 😀 :/ Anyway, the tug of war sometimes annoys me a lot. Like it did right now. I don’t wanna get up and work when I’m in the middle of something that holds importance for me. Oh and my ears hurt now, from trying to block my aunt and her family out of my ears, with a hands-free on with full volume and a video lecture that I’m trying to concentrate on and understand. Sometimes I just hate it here and at other times, I kinda miss this place. But seriously, I need my peace- a vacuum, a no-sound place in my life. I hate people disturbing my thought chain.
Anyway, my mood has been spoiled, thanks to the people who love me so much!
Like I said, I have grown to be a very stubborn, obstinate, thankless brat and right now I kinda prove it without trying :/
Anyway, getting towards posting the poems I recently wrote and probably another post that keeps disturbing my mind. If I get as far as that without any other disturbance.
P.S: Insurgent DVD version better be great because it has made me wait for so long :/

Diary Entry 133


Dear diary,
nobody told me life would be easier. In fact they keep telling me about its difficulties, challenges, sorrows and hurts. Oh and being a girl is a challenge in itself. The unruly emotions and always a couple of degrees higher than normal creatures. Why do I feel the way I do? It’s my roommie’s B’day today. The one who died back in January. Her folks keep trying to contact me. The past keeps haunting me and the fact that I’m short of one sincere person in my life when that’s exactly what I need around me. There is so much hurt here,inside, that cannot be fixed with words i write or false utters of “everything will be okay!”
Nothing will be the same again, as if I don’t know that!
My little sister is sick. She’s been hospitalized and I’m unable to go home to tend to her or to relieve my mother’s distress. As if I was short of things to worry about! Migraine is back, the low moods, the temper tantrums, hating everyone around, the crying spells, the hours I spend, totally mute!
As if that’s not enough!
My aunt’s rabbit died today and I saw her in tears. That was the moment when I could put a stop to my own tears and get my action mode on. I buried the poor thing with my own hands! I can still feel the softness of its fur, rapidly losing its warmth. the blood oozing from its nose, its stoned grey eyes. And yet people think I can’t be on the front-lines! What they don’t realize is that my worries, my distress, my hurt vanishes when someone else is hurting. I forget my problems and focus on helping others get over theirs. This is who I am! A disaster through and through, sure! But this is something I would never want to change even in a million years!
Anyway, I do realize that my hurt hurts my aunt as well. Oh, she tries so hard to understand me. But she doesn’t know how much I hide inside, just like she does….. Guess, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I should probably go and give her company. Shes hurting and I wont be here with her tomorrow.
University can go screw itself, I’m going home tomorrow in sha Allah!
Allah, save the Queen!
More later, if life permits!

Sayonara!

P.S: The kids are back home. Another round of crying has started :/ I should be off!