Diary Entry: Oh the Downs!


Dear diary,

By now, I know, I should be able to pull through bad mood swings but I haven’t.I have an exam on the coming Saturday, my final research methodology exam, for which I’m not prepared even in the least- AGAIN! I’m still home but mum has been really accommodating where studies are concerned. She is letting me sit and try to study, which previously I thought was kinda impossible at home. I actually did get some stuff done and out of the way. But there is a constant gloomy cloud over my head since last night. Mum has inquired more than twice today, if something is wrong with me, if I’m hiding something….. Of course something is wrong with me and of course I’m hiding something, but my dear mum, you don’t need to know that, because I know that if you know, you’ll worry yourself sick. Plus, its my personal weakness and my own private battle to fight. Its January- the month in which my roommate died, two years back. For past 2 years, it has been bringing me low moods, anxiety and bad health. Once it passes, I recover on my own. I know her death has affected me more severely than I would like to admit but its a fact. I don’t know how long it would take me to get rid of this type of reactions from my physical being. or if I ever would…..

I think, for me to heal properly, I need closure. I need to stop running. But I don’t know how to do it.

Sometimes, I wish, there was someone, with whom I could share, getting past my inhibitions. But every single time I have tried opening up, people tend to run in the opposite direction. I don’t know if it’s the intensity of the emotions or just their plain lack of interest that drives them away. And then it forces me to pull back and hide myself in layers upon layers of superficial “I’m perfectly spiffingly amazing aura,” and deal with my share of pain, all alone, inside, with oblivious people around me. Sometimes I wish, for people to try, at least for a little bit, to understand what goes on inside my head, instead of judging me and labeling me with labels like “a secretive person or a complex entity.” But nobody looks at me and sees someone tired of hiding behind layers. All they see is someone who doesn’t complain openly. All they see, is bravery, stubbornness and a strong will. Nobody deciphers how much of a sham these things have become.

There is so much I want to say, so much that my insides constantly scream when my tongue is completely silent and stone cold. Most often than not, I dwell at a lonely place. A place where nobody comes to visit. A place filled with the downs but the very place that has me in its strong hold.

And there is a blockage inside my head right now. It might be because I’m hungry.

Til next time……

Protected: Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..


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Diary Entry 126


Dear diary,
I’ve been back for past whole week now. Every time I think of writing something here, I don’t. I’ve been watching lots of movies. Feel a little down today. Missed two of my classes. Eid and the holidays went in a blur. Not because the days went by too fast, but because I couldn’t focus on my family this time around. I was too engrossed into my own self that I kept getting irritated when people actually tried to have me participate in the activities going on around me.
I guess,somewhere this was bound to happen. Repercussions of stupid stunts that I keep performing. Oh no, I’m not ready to leave them anyway.
Dear diary, some time ago, something great happened. I was saved once again from making the biggest mistake of my life, by Allah(SWT). Sometimes, things that happen around me, make me realize that Allah loves me so much that He keeps me away from any harms. Anyway, it was a big lesson,of course. And as for a broken heart or something remotely resembling any negative emotions, I don’t have it. Never did,at least in the said matter. Its like I knew, I was ready for something bad to happen. When it happened, I did expect myself to be ready but I never expected myself to be so composed that I didn’t feel a thing. I’m happy that I finally have that much self restrain. I feel ready now,for any and every thing.
This semester is going better than I actually expected it to go, thanks to Allah again. I was supposed to have at least one clinical case by now. I have plenty but without their tests so still waiting for internship to actually start :/ Waiting for the good times to start again,soon.
Obsessed again. This time its an Indian song by Arijit Singh from the movie Creature.
Weather is cold again and NO,its not depressive this time. Yeah,I had someone last year with me through the tough days and this year I don’t really need anyone. I’ve grown out of such feelings. “What doesn’t kill you,makes you stronger!”
The cold weather now inspires me,calls to me….as if telling me there’s more to it than the apparent harshness. I wanna sit outside with a warm cup of decaf,listening to Arijit Singh songs and stare into the depths of the cool nights. Or long drive on empty roads a night,again Arijit Singh songs on….
Okay,by now,you probably guessed,I’m crushing on his voice :/ Its simply sweet. Like honey to the ears. Its kinda hard not to like. Its not real special but its never harsh on ears. So I love it. And his voice has an expression of its own. The the climaxes and downs say more than the lyrics. Its just amazing!
(Okay,I’m babbling now)
I better go. A good challenge has grasped my attention 😉
See you,whenever possible.

Chao!

Decieved….


Biting retorts,un-trusting mind,
wounded heart,
that’s what you left behind.
Facing future,eyes on past
questioning present
ruining myself so fast.
To hell with you and good times
doesn’t salvate you
from all your crimes.
Did you think without you beside me
that I’m nothing?
Wrong! I’m better and stronger,cant you see?
I wanted,with you,my life being spent.
Your deception,put my wish to an end.

And because I love you….


I’ll probably never see someone else the way I see you.
Oh,it breaks my heart over and over again,
That love brought some joy and a lot of pain.
I’d probably marry a successful,established man.
But,at night when I cry,
Those tears would be for you.
I would wake up,every morning,
Expecting to see your beauteous face.
And wish,that I hadn’t done so
And died in my sleep.
How could you claim you were the only one
Who felt all the love seep out?
How could something so good
Leave us so broken,so much in doubt?
I know I should make peace with what life left me
For there’s nothing but lies and deception you are capable to see

Deception at its best


I wasn’t about to say anything about the topic until I saw this picture

indexAll that glitters is not Gold, I’ve been taught since I was a little lass. But people like me understand things better when they experience them. Not a healthy and wise move at times. It’s a dangerous territory and there are times of great achievements as well as the times when you just simply wanna kill someone. But there’s one thing I can’t deny: No matter how difficult that journey of self discovery is,no matter how painful it is sometimes,knowing the true faces of people around you(whom you come to love and care about); life is always teaching you.  At such occasions our heart might be torn,destroyed. Cursing the person, dying or killing someone might feel easier than enduring in silence but if we look at the bigger picture, difficulty is always followed by ease.

There’s this person,I can’t get out of my mind. With two completely different persona . . . . . . . .I’ve had firsthand experience of both.

Change of mind. I don’t wanna discuss this. Because it involves another person. And I’ve been re-reading stuff on backbiting.I can’t do it, I can’t bring myself to do it! Even though it concerns me, but I just can’t!!!

So before I go,just one thing:Be careful whom you talk to or make acquaintances with.Because appearances could be deceiving. Its better to be cautious than regret.