A cup of hot cocoa in hands,
Shawl draped shoulders,
Slightest chill of winter nights,
Down below, the city lights,
Busy, bustling, streets of gold,
My balcony,on the top floor,
And the thoughts of you,
And you alone……..
I learned to love winters!
The world says, “Stay put,”
My temper says, “My foot!”
Mind warns, “Don’t be angry.”
Heart worries,”You’ll hurt me.”
Eyes betray,lips pout,
Inside whispers, “let me out!”
All the bitter ones said,love is crap,
Don’t do it. It’s so overrated.
All the naïve ones said, oh its life.
Do it when you get the chance.
Me….. I’m none of these……
In fact I don’t know who I am anymore.
In pursuit of love and you,
I found that I went too far.
I lost myself,trying to find you
And then I lost you too,to the world!
Now I’m a ruined me,
Living without feeling life within.
An empty body,an incomplete soul….
Nothing seems in control,
Nothing seems right.
Love could have fooled me,
I would’ve given up the fight.
So what, if he doesn’t know,
That I exist as a person too?
He’s been and always will be,
My life,my light!
And when tears become prayers,
I believe they get answered.
He’s mine and stays mine,
Teary eyed I pray every night.
I should have asked for forgiveness
For all my sins,my misgivings.
Could have raised me from cinders
To a great height.
But I’m a masochist,I preferred pain.
Love was all ache and no gain.
So I plunged in deep,never to return.
This fate I chose, so, alone I burn.
Oh, I hope this flame burns so high,
That you have to give in with a sigh.
For my love is a fire that won’t extinguish.
Come save me from my anguish.
It’s aglow for you, it wont die
With each blow it’ll get more bright!
do you believe in miracles? Have you ever seen one?
I have, very closely! My miracles have always been the prayers of those who love me. They practically saved me from the recesses of my own mind, a stage where I was nothing more than a statue. A silent, pitiful portrait of misery, all signs of life’s joys sucked out of me. Today, I’m a alive, so full of energy that its hard to displace it. I want to give a helping hand to those in need. I want to shower so much love that the worlds of those around me lit up. I want to express myself so openly that it hurts when I don’t.
Yes, indeed! My life has been nothing but a miracle from the very start! Every step that I have walked, every wrong turn that I took, has somehow sent me to the right places at the right times. Could I be any more thankless? And not just thankless but a thankless selfish brat! I have so much and yet I crave for one more blind turn, one more unusual experience, one more wrong footing and a person to catch me when I’m about to fall. But oh dear Me! I seem to forget every time I enter my fantasy world, that the guy I’m dreaming of, isn’t coming. My savior in this world is none other than Me! I’m the damsel in distress and I am the prince charming I so await. I’m the only person who can save me from me! My self destruct mode is off.
I’m in love, have fallen really hard and in recent few weeks I have broken badly, been in a depressive state so much but I’ve been praying excessively as well. My friends tell me to leave him. He can’t be mine. He’s too hard to get….. And stuff like that. Yes, I keep dealing with this type of comments on daily basis and yes, I have been under so much stress that it seemed like someone was squeezing my windpipe but I came out of all that. I have come out of all that melancholic stage. I’m stronger. I feel invincible even though this isn’t the right word to use, technically. Anyway, throughout my past stress and frustrations Facebook has been my writing-board because logging in here took some extra internet signals that I was short of, at home. So I would paste those poems in here today, in a bit in sha Allah!
So much has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I missed writing so much that it used to hurt inside. I lost myself and I found myself again. I faced the world alone and broken. But I didn’t give up. Thanks to my friends and family. You peeps are a big blessing in my life! I used to keep thinking about the things I would write in here and now, while I’m actually writing in here, I can’t really think properly. My mind is too scattered!
One funny and frustrating thing is happening these days. My aunt and I keep playing games. She’s trying to train me for my inevitable future as a married lady and I’m doing everything in my power(well, a little less than everything- she’s already got a real tough life without me roughing it up a bit more 😉 ) to be non-cooperative and cheeky, because I don’t want to be a housewife >.< She sends me North and I end up in South-East 😀 Anyway, the tug of war sometimes annoys me a lot. Like it did right now. I don’t wanna get up and work when I’m in the middle of something that holds importance for me. Oh and my ears hurt now, from trying to block my aunt and her family out of my ears, with a hands-free on with full volume and a video lecture that I’m trying to concentrate on and understand. Sometimes I just hate it here and at other times, I kinda miss this place. But seriously, I need my peace- a vacuum, a no-sound place in my life. I hate people disturbing my thought chain.
Anyway, my mood has been spoiled, thanks to the people who love me so much!
Like I said, I have grown to be a very stubborn, obstinate, thankless brat and right now I kinda prove it without trying
Anyway, getting towards posting the poems I recently wrote and probably another post that keeps disturbing my mind. If I get as far as that without any other disturbance.
P.S: Insurgent DVD version better be great because it has made me wait for so long
I see a damaged soul instead of seeing myself in the mirror. I see that girl, whose eyes have this far-off look when she sings. As if, she’s in some other time, some other reality, some alternate universe. I see her past and her future. She’s a broken record, a torn piece of cloth, a silver chain that lost it’s shine, a ruined shrine: what’s common, is the damage. What happened?
She was forced to grow up. She was forced to take responsibility, to be mature. But who in the world must define maturity? Is it laughing on the face of adversity? Is it, ignoring the urge to slap a misbehaving child? Is it, not crying in front of anyone and soaking your pillow when alone? What is this maturity?
I see a girl for whom the blooming flowers don’t have any significance anymore because the spring didn’t reach her inside this time around. I see a tortured head, tired eyes, a fake smile on a gloomy face. I see misery that’s self-created, monsters waiting for the warrior to strike back and a warrior with wounded pride. I see darkness with a hint of light. Only a dot perhaps. I see the sky, meeting the ocean, but too far, on the horizon. I see opportunities, just a little beyond her reach. I see life draped in the cloak of death.
To be, or not to be? And what will be
if when she ceases to be?
No, I won’t answer that. It’s, perhaps, more depressing than the post itself. When death comes, it comes. the fear isn’t of dying but of the process itself. The difficulty isn’t in living right now but in enjoying the luxuries with no or lesser effort.
I remember, once, not long ago, there was a girl I shared my room with, I called her my friend. She’s gone now. Only her memories remain. The hurt, the low moods and the occasional depressive thoughts…..
A hug from my mum would definitely make me feel better and there is a mother who can never hug her daughter again. So many people have bigger problems than I do.
I decide to be, as long as I can be. For this life, is a treasure and I, the keeper. So I decide to take life, over death. For difficulties come to make us realize that we are still alive. I’ll just have to go and find the warrior inside again. The sooner, the better.
Title: opening phrase of a dialogue Hamlet, Act III, Scene I.
By William Shakespeare
I have opened and closed this blog for 4th or 5th time, every time with a mind to write something, anything. But every time, I closed it again. Not being able to make my mind is a torture really. Now, finally I’m here and I’m writing.
Dear diary, there is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. The two people close to my heart here in Islamabad wont just stop giving me a hard time. I have thought hard and for long hours but my heart(that idiot!) wont let me let go of any of the two. He wants to stick to them just like an afraid child clings to his mother. Pathetic, I know. But if was it ever so easy to make this stupid heart understand, I would’ve done the job already. It just wont listen to me anymore. Yes, it pisses me off big time. So much that instead of using my most usual word “yeah”, I used “Yes.”
I’m often greeted with hot flashes in my body these days than not. It’s difficult to know the cause since I’m someone who is effected by cold more than the hot weather. Probably its just hypoglycemia because none of the other possible explanations could be related to me. And then there is this feeling of uneasiness in crowded places. I recently learned it is called Agoraphobia. Agora is a Greek word meaning “a place where people meet.” So roughly its the fear of market place or crowded places. It may also include the fear of vast open spaces. Nope, I’m not getting better in Psychology. I gave an exam on Monday that kept me awake whole night. It was a subject called “Mental Health and Psychopathology 2.” An otherwise interesting subject but so much syllabus piled up that I could not enjoy it while preparing for it.
Hell,no! I don’t have Agoraphobia (thank goodness) I just feel slightly uneasy and out of breath in crowded places,that’s it.
My roommate’s body spray ended some days back,so my lungs are enjoying the little break they have right now. I hope she never brings a new one. Because she doesn’t use them like a normal human being. She practically takes shower in her body spray, almost choking me to death every time!
Anyway, I still have so many mixed feelings but my mind is a bit calm now. I don’t wanna lose any of the two people whom I call my friends,here in Islamabad. But I can do nothing about it,just pray silently and hope that Allah listens to them soon,that Allah sees my lips moving and understands what my heart wants,then give it precisely what it desires.
I have an urge to run, a craving. But at this hour, I wont find a space long enough and deserted enough to do it. I wish there was such a place,though
Until we meet again!
Words don’t make any sense any more,dear diary! I tried to find why. But I couldn’t.
I feel alone because the people I care about are busy making and living their own lives. And those who actually care about me,are far from me. People say that distances don’t matter when your heart beats for someone. They are WRONG dear diary! I miss my loved ones big time. It’s almost been a month since I last went home.
But the thing I miss the most is MYSELF. I’m neither lost nor dead, then why do I feel different? Why does it feel like I’ve become more of a brick wall than an actual person?
I skipped some days of writing here because I was busy being sick. And tonight I’m writing because I’m more sick and fever wont let me sleep. Last night was the same except for the writing part(well not entirely true. I wrote a poem on the back of my diary because it was difficult for me to sit and type.)
My throat is painful and I’m tired. I’m on a sick leave from university and I haven’t been to Al-Huda in ages. I feel so horrible about that 😦
But this is how life works,I guess. Whenever you are so sure of something, it invites you to take a step back and then decide.
I better go before I tire and damage myself beyond repair.
P.S:Poem later In Sha Allah!
- Diary entry 52 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 48 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 45 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 50 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 44 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 47 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 39 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
Going home might not be as easy as I thought. What with all this rain!
Driving is becoming more and more difficult for dad. I’m just hoping we still find a way to end this journey on its actual destination. I don’t wanna stay in Islamabad now that I finally can go.
I’m just praying we make it to my home TODAY!!!
When I said “hope to meet you soon”, I didn’t expect to meet you so soon. But who knows what fate holds ahead. I needed to share, so here I am, knocking at your door again.
We are in Rawal Pindi, and I hate this convoluted city. (Yeah I hate my friend’s city)
But it seems I’ll have to spend the night in this very city.
Just my luck!!!
Hours of wait stretching. Lets see if I make it to my home or to my grandpa’s place in Rawal Pindi.
Wish me luck!
I’m going home today, after one month and 13 days. You can’t even begin to imagine how happy I feel today. I know I might not be able to post when I’m home, so I’m taking a big risk here. Right now, I’m listening to Law presentation and there is a great chance that I get caught and the teacher is already in a mood to kick butts (not literally, of course). So I better run before something unwanted happens.
Hope to be in touch soon!
- Diary entry 25 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 22 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 20 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 21 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 18 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 19 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
- Diary entry 17 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)