Diary Entry: Hungry,Pissed and Hurting

Dear diary,
today, I have my Positive Psychology exam. And I don’t feel that much positive anymore. There are some things that hurt me, more than they should. And I keep wondering why. But then again, the things I care about and feel possessive about, if someone would mess with them, it would naturally hurt. I just couldn’t stop myself tonight. I know, like all the other previous times, I’m going to be as unclear as ever, but I’m hoping, writing would make me feel better.
The good thing is that I found some video and audio lectures on my topics. And I learn better by listening rather than reading. But beside this headache, something is really wrong with me today. I want to study but I don’t wanna touch any notes or lectures. And I most certainly don’t wanna explain why I’m suddenly feeling off.
Positive Psychology was supposed to bring out the best in us. To help us in flourishing our strengths and getting over our weaknesses. And right now, its having to complete opposite effect on me. Maybe I will feel better after I have eaten something.So, I’m gonna go and eat and maybe watch something I love- an episode from a series or maybe a movie, I dunno.
I am so much disappointed at myself right now! :/

P.S:Yelling inside my head again :/ God save the Queen!!!

Diary Entry:I’m still pissed off

Dear diary,
the day before yesterday I woke up with a start. It was some kind of dream that woke me,when it started to go too wrong. Then yesterday,I woke up with another bad dream. The day before, when I woke up,I felt down and bad. No such thing yesterday,alhamdulillah! But I’m still pissed,at so many things.
1st being my internet connection. Its been a pain in the ass for past some days and just to get it to work properly,I had to try different things,which included making space on my hard drive to refresh my windows,which by the way went wrong. And later during my classes I kept thinking about how to fix it and whom to ask for help. I kept worrying. Alien buddy might be a computer whiz kid,but asking for help there was out of question. So I knew by the end of my classes that I had to do it on my own,somehow. With a racing heart,that wanted to drop out of my chest, I started working on it. And for the very first time,installed windows on my lappie,without any assistance. But I didn’t have time to feel accomplished. My roomie passed some comment which almost made me breathe fire….. well,almost….if I was a dragon,she would’ve been a roasted chicken by now. Anyway, I yelled at my other roommate,more than once and decided that I must shut up before things…and by things I mean my anger,got too out of hand. And then I found something that gave me a laugh. Its not something decent but I still wanted to share it. So here it goes:

It helped me a little bit. I started writing this post yesterday and had to leave it in the middle because of my class time. Didn’t get a chance to complete it because I was in such a hurry to come back from class,get ready to come to my aunt’s place. Now I’m here,sitting all alone,writing this,when everyone else sleeps. Its a blessing to get some “Me-time” at my aunt’s place because its as rare as having family time in hostel. Anyway, my aunt and uncle are going for Pilgrimage on Sunday,which is a great news,of course. This means I finally get to meet my grandpa after a long time(He’ll be here to see her off).
My application for internship in Armed Forces Institute of Mental Health(AFIMH) has been forwarded to General Head Quarters(GHQ) for approval. Fingers crossed!
The more I see how things are in AFIMH,the more I miss my Psychologist and calm and quiet,non-crowded Department of Mental Health in CMH Sialkot.
Guess,I’m not a big city,crowd loving person after all. I just don’t know how would I work in such a suffocating environment here. I’d probably have to take it as a big challenge. That’s one way of actually getting through those days without suffocating myself half to death. But then again,I’m sure I’ll manage.
Anyway,Its late and I don’t wanna keep writing.

See Ya 🙂

Diary Entry:I fogot the number…

Dear diary,
yeah,its been 3 months. I missed you too. I’m writing,which means I’m back in hostel. And I don’t wanna add anymore tonight. No,there’s so much to say but I’m too numb to actually care. Just wanted to come back and say Hi.
Will see you as soon as my mood swings permit.

Diary entry 94

Dear diary,
Things have been depressing on my end. Chloe wasn’t herself. Shes been crying hard for past hour or so. And me………I’m furious.LITERALLY FURIOUS!!!
I lost a friend,I moved on. Its better to be without a friend than to have a friend that keeps torturing you,right Chloe? Good to see you finally give up crying and making the decision of never looking back. Life is better this way. Absence of one friend, no matter how close, isn’t the end of the world. Never have been and never would be. And as long as you have your other friends (you have Kara-yup that’s me 😀 ) and loving cousins, who would die for you, you don’t have to worry about losing someone who was never yours to begin with.

Lets have some fun-studying together now :p And lets hope against hope that strikers help save the Queen 😉
Seriously Chloe,we need to stop hoping that there would be strike in the morning and our paper would be postponed and we need to open up our books right now.
Stop laughing! :p

It’s a blessing to have a friend like Chloe,dear diary. She just needs to see how precious she is for some of us and that whoever loses her is the biggest loser the world would ever see.

Anyway,its study time.
Gawd,give us both the will and strength to study (and not pass any more time having the bestest time of our lives yet :p 😉 )

P.S:Chloe agrees 😉

Diary entry 75

Dear diary,

Yup,2nd post today 🙂 See,I told you I’ve missed you so much!
Yes,I’ve tried living among people,interacting with them.Its good to be among people,don’t get me wrong.But now coming back to you and writing here,made me realize that I’m not really a people person.I enjoy your company more than I enjoy actual people.Actually,I don’t mind people.I mean talking to someone via writing is fun,gives me comfort and I don’t have to risk coming out of my comfort-zone or letting someone enter it.But interacting with actual people just increases the chances for heartburn by ten-folds.
Anyway,this isn’t why I’m writing.I feel just fine now.Still haven’t been able to concentrate on my studies though.So I’m kinda under-prepared for my exam in the morning.Haven’t been able to eat a meal properly in two nights,my stomach aches and I feel nauseated even when I go near food.Yeah,stress has done its job perfectly well.Its gone but the signs remain.And honestly,I don’t know,for how long I wont be able to eat properly even after being hungry for hours.(God save the Queen!)

Desperate times call for desperate measures,right?
*evil grin*Aha,I ate a chocolate muffin,without gagging,it’s a good sign I guess 😉

Well,this post is basically for my friends who have been with me on every step of my panic attack.I know,I can be a nutcase when I’m stressed(some of you might have the urge to say,you are a nutcase even when you are not stressed :p ). But thank you all for being there for me and not leaving me alone.In the end being physically available doesn’t really matter when you are emotionally available for your friend.I am really lucky to have you people by my side and in my heart 🙂 very blessed,indeed.
(I’m kinda conflicted,should I take names or leave you be?)
Anyway,thanks to my besties,my chat buddy and my spiritual sister 😉

Time to sleep if I wanna be up early for preparation

P.S:Occasional bugging is good for health of the bugger.Keep hidden,keep safe 😉

Diary entry 68

Dear diary,

Tonight’s one of those nights,that I wanna cry to the full of my heart.I want to be able to cry,openly but can’t.Don’t ask me the reason,because there’s none.And right now,my eyes are watering. I thought maybe if I let go of one or 2 tears,I’d feel better,well I don’t.I feel just like I felt before I started to cry,hiding behind my laptop,so my roommate wont see me.

Yes,I don’t understand myself most of the time,and this is not any different.I thought,writing would help.But I guess I have been wrong twice in one night.

I guess I should go any bury my sorry face in my fluffy pillow or hold my teddy in a tight hug or do whatever it takes to make myself comfortable again.

hope to visit soon



Diary entry 65

Dear diary,
My uni has been repainted,there are some new benches to sit and take in the natural beauty. Fresh flowers and beauteous sky with clouds masking the sun. Its exquisite, off course for those who love nature. I’ve tried to  snap some pictures but those pictures never come right. So,I guess I’ll just have to memorize the mesmerizing sunsets and the Mountains of Murree that I see everyday from my room window.
My university is beautiful,there’s no doubt about that, and I’m totally in love with it! But there is something that makes my heart ache. As I was walking from Cafeteria towards my hostel block, I saw litter all over the place marring the beauty of the place. And I remembered the time when I was a school-going. There was a teacher in my van,who once (kinda)scolded a child for throwing pieces of paper on the road from moving van. I won’t say that I haven’t done that as a child myself. But the point is, that day when she said that how bad of us that we make our own city and country dirty. Who would clean our city if we don’t take that responsibility?
That was the turning point for me. And then there came a time when I was the senior most student in my van.When I was in college, I was the one carrying on that one good thing I learned in the past. All the children used to make tease me by saying “Baji’s bag is a dust bin”,because I used to put all the wrappers and junk in my bag to throw in a trash bin later. And I didn’t let anyone else throw the litter on roads and streets. I would take it and put in my bag. Yes I occasionally had to listen to their funny remarks, but I didn’t care in the least. Because if that’s what I had to listen to,in order to do the right thing,exactly that I heard and with patience too.
It breaks my heart to see such grown ups, carelessly throwing litter wherever they go and sit. If you ask me, it’s not the duty of sweepers alone to take care of our mess. How are we ever going to get responsible if we don’t take care of our own actions?
I’m still unable to get the scene out of my head. I better go before it gets way over my head.

Hope to see you soon