Diary Entry:Promises


Dear diary,

for once I didn’t have to think hard to choose a title for my post. It’s a biggie in my world, where I totally suck at picking titles. Anyway, I was just sitting idle, thinking about my teacher, whom by the way I love but who isn’t talking to me for some days now. She’s pissed at me or walking for an hour and ending up with blisters on my feet, which by the way, have healed. But she’s still pissed. And I don’t know if there is more that’s been fueling her anger. She talks to me fine when we are around each other in the university but she’s been on constant one or two syllable replies when I try to talk her to open the flood gates. I know I deserve a good scolding. That’s something I can deal with. The silence is just something I can’t take and digest. But boy! is she stubborn!!!
Well, I get it, she’s giving me a taste of my own medicine. But I would never hold out on someone for so long. It’s been a week now. And as simple as that, I miss her. I miss her very very much. I miss talking to her, laughing with her, pulling goofy jokes at her, just to see her smile one more time or imagine her smiling. She has the most wonderful smile. She’s beautiful in her own cheeky way.
And I miss her! All the time. I actually feel down right now, and sort of upset on not being able to talk to her, even though I realize that now that she is the head of department, she is even more busy than before and she’s already a workaholic too. But I miss her so badly.
Now I know why my mum keeps lecturing me about not coming off as too intense. I get it, perfectly well. I guess love and I, we don’t go well together. And yes she is stubborn but I’m the Queen of stubbornness. I won’t give up on her. At least, I don’t plan on it. And for an nth time, I don’t know what to do…….
This reminds me of one of my patients. We are not actually allowed to talk about them but I guess he won’t mind because he’s such a good kid. Well, his father told me during an interview that this kid is amazing when it comes to giving advise. His ideas are sincere and well thought and foolproof. But the kid complained that he can’t decide stuff for his own self. He kept thinking that his decisions would mess things up. I feel like him right now. I mean, not that I’m claiming that I’m good at giving advice but the next part. I’m sucking right now, at telling myself what to do next. And I have a case report to formulate. I have no desire to work on it and no motivation either. Even though I know it’s due tomorrow. I guess I’ll just eat dinner and go to sleep and freakout in the morning- again!
Guess it’s Ciao for now.

Protected: Diary Entry: Matters of the Heart…..


This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Diary Entry 134


Dear diary,
do you believe in miracles? Have you ever seen one?
I have, very closely! My miracles have always been the prayers of those who love me. They practically saved me from the recesses of my own mind, a stage where I was nothing more than a statue. A silent, pitiful portrait of misery, all signs of life’s joys sucked out of me. Today, I’m a alive, so full of energy that its hard to displace it. I want to give a helping hand to those in need. I want to shower so much love that the worlds of those around me lit up. I want to express myself so openly that it hurts when I don’t.
Yes, indeed! My life has been nothing but a miracle from the very start! Every step that I have walked, every wrong turn that I took, has somehow sent me to the right places at the right times. Could I be any more thankless? And not just thankless but a thankless selfish brat! I have so much and yet I crave for one more blind turn, one more unusual experience, one more wrong footing and a person to catch me when I’m about to fall. But oh dear Me! I seem to forget every time I enter my fantasy world, that the guy I’m dreaming of, isn’t coming. My savior in this world is none other than Me! I’m the damsel in distress and I am the prince charming I so await. I’m the only person who can save me from me! My self destruct mode is off.
I’m in love, have fallen really hard and in recent few weeks I have broken badly, been in a depressive state so much but I’ve been praying excessively as well. My friends tell me to leave him. He can’t be mine. He’s too hard to get….. And stuff like that. Yes, I keep dealing with this type of comments on daily basis and yes, I have been under so much stress that it seemed like someone was squeezing my windpipe but I came out of all that. I have come out of all that melancholic stage. I’m stronger. I feel invincible even though this isn’t the right word to use, technically. Anyway, throughout my past stress and frustrations Facebook has been my writing-board because logging in here took some extra internet signals that I was short of, at home. So I would paste those poems in here today, in a bit in sha Allah!
So much has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I missed writing so much that it used to hurt inside. I lost myself and I found myself again. I faced the world alone and broken. But I didn’t give up. Thanks to my friends and family. You peeps are a big blessing in my life! I used to keep thinking about the things I would write in here and now, while I’m actually writing in here, I can’t really think properly. My mind is too scattered!
One funny and frustrating thing is happening these days. My aunt and I keep playing games. She’s trying to train me for my inevitable future as a married lady and I’m doing everything in my power(well, a little less than everything- she’s already got a real tough life without me roughing it up a bit more 😉 ) to be non-cooperative and cheeky, because I don’t want to be a housewife >.< She sends me North and I end up in South-East 😀 :/ Anyway, the tug of war sometimes annoys me a lot. Like it did right now. I don’t wanna get up and work when I’m in the middle of something that holds importance for me. Oh and my ears hurt now, from trying to block my aunt and her family out of my ears, with a hands-free on with full volume and a video lecture that I’m trying to concentrate on and understand. Sometimes I just hate it here and at other times, I kinda miss this place. But seriously, I need my peace- a vacuum, a no-sound place in my life. I hate people disturbing my thought chain.
Anyway, my mood has been spoiled, thanks to the people who love me so much!
Like I said, I have grown to be a very stubborn, obstinate, thankless brat and right now I kinda prove it without trying :/
Anyway, getting towards posting the poems I recently wrote and probably another post that keeps disturbing my mind. If I get as far as that without any other disturbance.
P.S: Insurgent DVD version better be great because it has made me wait for so long :/

To Be, Or Not To Be, That Is The Question


I see a damaged soul instead of seeing myself in the mirror. I see that girl, whose eyes have this far-off look when she sings. As if, she’s in some other time, some other reality, some alternate universe. I see her past and her future. She’s a broken record, a torn piece of cloth, a silver chain that lost it’s shine, a ruined shrine: what’s common, is the damage. What happened?
She was forced to grow up. She was forced to take responsibility, to be mature. But who in the world must define maturity? Is it laughing on the face of adversity? Is it, ignoring the urge to slap a misbehaving child? Is it, not crying in front of anyone and soaking your pillow when alone? What is this maturity?
I see a girl for whom the blooming flowers don’t have any significance anymore because the spring didn’t reach her inside this time around. I see a tortured head, tired eyes, a fake smile on a gloomy face. I see misery that’s self-created, monsters waiting for the warrior to strike back and a warrior with wounded pride. I see darkness with a hint of light. Only a dot perhaps. I see the sky, meeting the ocean, but too far, on the horizon. I see opportunities, just a little beyond her reach. I see life draped in the cloak of death.
To be, or not to be? And what will be if when she ceases to be?
No, I won’t answer that. It’s, perhaps, more depressing than the post itself. When death comes, it comes. the fear isn’t of dying but of the process itself. The difficulty isn’t in living right now but in enjoying the luxuries with no or lesser effort.
I remember, once, not long ago, there was a girl I shared my room with, I called her my friend. She’s gone now. Only her memories remain. The hurt, the low moods and the occasional depressive thoughts…..
*sigh*
A hug from my mum would definitely make me feel better and there is a mother who can never hug her daughter again. So many people have bigger problems than I do.
I decide to be, as long as I can be. For this life, is a treasure and I, the keeper. So I decide to take life, over death. For difficulties come to make us realize that we are still alive. I’ll just have to go and find the warrior inside again. The sooner, the better.

Title: opening phrase of a dialogue Hamlet, Act III, Scene I.
By William Shakespeare

Diary Entry:Writing From Hell-hole


Dear diary,
It’s been so long since I last wrote but I’ve missed writing so much that I’ve started to get overwhelmed by the ideas I get these days. My finals are just around the corner and so is SIST 2015. My Internship was supposed to end by the end of January but it got extended til February 10,2015. I’ve been living in AFIC-NIHD AFNS Officers Mess for past 19 days. At first, it felt like I’ve been living any Army dream. But now that I have this life,no matter how temporary, I feel as if my own room in my university hostel is my only link to my sanity. It’s my only safe haven! I don’t wanna live here anymore! The food is good and ample but I don’t have any peace of mind. I haven’t been able to sleep comfortably at night, since I came to this Godforsaken place, so, when It’s finally time to wake up, I’m too tired to leave the bed :/ I usually spend my days either in hospital where I waste my entire time waiting for a miracle to happen or in bed, waiting for another miracle to happen. Sometimes I forget how loneliness gnaws at my soul because I have a friend by my side(virtually-even though i wish it was in flesh and blood) and at other times, I miss my teddy bear,who probably misses me too,sitting alone on my bed in my Uni hostel. My only escape ever from this rotten routine is when I go out, roam the roads of Pindi, with lots of things that I need to buy but end up not buying because I dread going in to shops and getting them. So I end up either eating or buying a lot of edibles that I finish before the night is even up!
I miss my home,my family. But even when my exams are over,I wont be able to go home because of my internship. I miss my friends but I wont be able to share any new moments with them because I wont be in hostel to be with them. And the worst part is,that the internship sucks too! It’s nothing like my old one, and I miss my supervisor so much in moments like this.
I’ve been reading 3 books these days. But I can’t find peace in them any longer. I am bored to my core!!!
I missed my presentations and I don’t seem to care any more. I don’t freaking have prepared for my finals and I don’t give a damn about. I just need a time out! I wish there was something like a time out in real life, I so dearly wish!
Someone told me today that I’m an ordinary girl,desperate for uniform, in my inbox. Yeah,great,that tells so much about you too! Plus even if I’m desperate, I don’t see myself drooling over your uniform, I want one for me, not a uniform clad husband for heaven’s sake! But telling an ass hole all this, wont turn him into a gentleman. And such a person douche-bag is not even worth my answer.
Anyway, I can’t say life isn’t good,perhaps its too good and I can’t appreciate it anymore. I need to see the good things in life that I used to notice before. I need to go back to the way I was not long before. I need to let go of this miserable and unsatisfied persona I keep carrying around with me. I need to live a little more!!!
May be,one of my aimless walks through the city would help me right now.
I should be moving, don’t wanna get late.

Until we meet again!

Diary Entry 132


Dear diary,
I dunno if I forgot to tell you that we have an evening semester this time with internship in the morning. Our department has totally gone crazy. We are getting piles and piles of assignments and presentations,some of them punishments for doing something and others,punishments for not doing something :-/ Seems like 3.5 years are enough to irritate the hell outta someone,or maybe our department people think so….
I’m this quiet,calm,collected and confident person outside, and inside, I’m totally freaking out!!! How am I supposed to get all the stuff done by the due date? Okay, fine, I know I can, if I put some effort but do I wanna put that effort? NO!!! I don’t wanna go outside my comfort zone even if its for the best. I don’t!
I don’t hate my department but I surely hate it’s people. Well, maybe Hate is too strong a word. Lets say, I don’t like them….I won’t be caught dead with them…. So I guess, it’s not really Hate :p
Sorry,I’m babbling again :/
It’s just that I don’t write very often any more and I totally miss it. So when I do, I tend to over talk a bit…..okay, a bit too much, but its okay I guess. It’s not hurting anyone and writing sets me free…..
My finals start on January 5,2015 and I’m kinda scared. No, things are not difficult but I’m so anxious these days. My internship date happens to be December 21,2014 and it wont really be useful for me in this semester but I’m gonna do it anyway, for experience. For the case reports, I’m glad that I went to CMH Sialkot when I did,for internship. It’s helping me a LOT.
And….. I miss my Psychologist! Right now, I’m missing her so much :/
Maybe, we’ll get to meet soon in sha Allah.
The only thing that keeps me going these days is the little bit of Qur’anic teachings that stayed with me. Especially the ayah in which Allah says that He never puts any burden on person who isn’t capable of bearing it. We are always judged with tests that are made with respect to our abilities. I guess, being in this university right now is my version of test. I’m just glad I don’t have too much time left here. And it also saddens me because I really loved the place and the “green buses”…. its only the people whom I don’t like and my dislike for them makes me bind sometimes and I think I hate my university. Th truth is, I don’t! If only there is some sort of dramatic change in our whole faculty,replacing old geysers(excuse my language, I’m not feeling really warm about my department people today :/ not proud of this word but I’m still gonna use it.) with brand new,more understanding staff members, it would be great, just about now!
Anyway, SIST 2015 is approaching way too quickly. I will have some days to memorize the required stuff after exams but I dunno how to feel about it just yet. I mean, I did mess up last time too…. I’m lucky that Allah still got me !st positions for both my categories. I’m not waiting for a miracle this time. I’m sure I will work hard when the time comes, in sha Allah.
That been said, I must leave now.

See you soon.
P.S:I know it would be soon(if life permits) because I’m most talkative in my exam season anxiety season 😉

Diary Entry: Hungry,Pissed and Hurting


Dear diary,
today, I have my Positive Psychology exam. And I don’t feel that much positive anymore. There are some things that hurt me, more than they should. And I keep wondering why. But then again, the things I care about and feel possessive about, if someone would mess with them, it would naturally hurt. I just couldn’t stop myself tonight. I know, like all the other previous times, I’m going to be as unclear as ever, but I’m hoping, writing would make me feel better.
The good thing is that I found some video and audio lectures on my topics. And I learn better by listening rather than reading. But beside this headache, something is really wrong with me today. I want to study but I don’t wanna touch any notes or lectures. And I most certainly don’t wanna explain why I’m suddenly feeling off.
Arghhh!!!
Positive Psychology was supposed to bring out the best in us. To help us in flourishing our strengths and getting over our weaknesses. And right now, its having to complete opposite effect on me. Maybe I will feel better after I have eaten something.So, I’m gonna go and eat and maybe watch something I love- an episode from a series or maybe a movie, I dunno.
I am so much disappointed at myself right now! :/

P.S:Yelling inside my head again :/ God save the Queen!!!

Diary Entry:I’m still pissed off


Dear diary,
the day before yesterday I woke up with a start. It was some kind of dream that woke me,when it started to go too wrong. Then yesterday,I woke up with another bad dream. The day before, when I woke up,I felt down and bad. No such thing yesterday,alhamdulillah! But I’m still pissed,at so many things.
1st being my internet connection. Its been a pain in the ass for past some days and just to get it to work properly,I had to try different things,which included making space on my hard drive to refresh my windows,which by the way went wrong. And later during my classes I kept thinking about how to fix it and whom to ask for help. I kept worrying. Alien buddy might be a computer whiz kid,but asking for help there was out of question. So I knew by the end of my classes that I had to do it on my own,somehow. With a racing heart,that wanted to drop out of my chest, I started working on it. And for the very first time,installed windows on my lappie,without any assistance. But I didn’t have time to feel accomplished. My roomie passed some comment which almost made me breathe fire….. well,almost….if I was a dragon,she would’ve been a roasted chicken by now. Anyway, I yelled at my other roommate,more than once and decided that I must shut up before things…and by things I mean my anger,got too out of hand. And then I found something that gave me a laugh. Its not something decent but I still wanted to share it. So here it goes:

images
It helped me a little bit. I started writing this post yesterday and had to leave it in the middle because of my class time. Didn’t get a chance to complete it because I was in such a hurry to come back from class,get ready to come to my aunt’s place. Now I’m here,sitting all alone,writing this,when everyone else sleeps. Its a blessing to get some “Me-time” at my aunt’s place because its as rare as having family time in hostel. Anyway, my aunt and uncle are going for Pilgrimage on Sunday,which is a great news,of course. This means I finally get to meet my grandpa after a long time(He’ll be here to see her off).
My application for internship in Armed Forces Institute of Mental Health(AFIMH) has been forwarded to General Head Quarters(GHQ) for approval. Fingers crossed!
The more I see how things are in AFIMH,the more I miss my Psychologist and calm and quiet,non-crowded Department of Mental Health in CMH Sialkot.
*sigh*
Guess,I’m not a big city,crowd loving person after all. I just don’t know how would I work in such a suffocating environment here. I’d probably have to take it as a big challenge. That’s one way of actually getting through those days without suffocating myself half to death. But then again,I’m sure I’ll manage.
Anyway,Its late and I don’t wanna keep writing.

See Ya 🙂

Diary Entry:I fogot the number…


Dear diary,
yeah,its been 3 months. I missed you too. I’m writing,which means I’m back in hostel. And I don’t wanna add anymore tonight. No,there’s so much to say but I’m too numb to actually care. Just wanted to come back and say Hi.
Will see you as soon as my mood swings permit.
Chao