For the last time

imagesShe kept looking on his retreating back for as long as the dark, empty night would let her. Her once deep,lively eyes were shallow and empty, like death itself. They seemed to be looking at far away places.
Even after his lean body was out of sight, she kept staring into nothingness for a long time. Seconds, minutes, hours. . . . . she didn’t know how long she had been standing there, frozen. She felt like she had been robbed off something very important. But what was it? What could it be? That’s something she was having difficulty figuring out. Her mind refused to think or provide any answers. She felt numb, life-less, cold. . . . . stone-cold.
It was starting to rain. A little drop here and a drop there. A drop on her pale, blood-drained face. Snapping back to reality, she put her one bare foot in front of the other. On touching the soft carpet of thick grass under her feet, she felt so weak, so helpless, so little. Her footing was so unsure and yet she knew she had to keep moving for as long as her legs would carry her. Right foot, left then right and left. She didn’t go far. Couldn’t go far. Every single step she took, seemed more difficult than the one before.
She stumbled, her legs too weak to carry her any further. No, she wasn’t someone with a heavy frame. She was small yet strong, built for brave stuff. Running, a lot of running perhaps. And her brain…..her brain, clearly it was meant for a far greater purposes than she realized.
she stumbled again. This time, her knees meeting the ground. Resigned, she didn’t try to get up. A tear escaped her eyes and another…..a scream building inside her.
The rain, getting strong by the minute drenching her to the bones. Her tears,an unending stream. Numbness,leaving her body as awareness took its place. Soaked completely,crying hard, she put her now throbbing head down on the soft blades of grass,wishing for death to come and take a hold of her at that particular moment. But she knew, it wasn’t her time to die. She had to fulfill her true purpose of life yet, whatever that purpose was. So she let her tears flow openly. Crying, for the last time, without shame, for every single person who left her in the past and the present,everyone who never tried to stick with her for long enough to know her well. Everyone who took a part of her with them as they went. As tears left her eyes, she felt as if every part of herself she ever lost, it was coming back to her. So slowly and gradually she became whole again. One by one, she kept burning her memories. Tears kept flowing until she felt complete again, void of any hurt. Empty,yet whole again. Her eyes felt puffy and ached, her whole body cold and wet. It was time to be brave and go home. So she stood up, this time without any difficulty, without any shackles of her past creating any difficulty for her. Slowly she walked back to her door,got inside her home, that reeked of solitude, but felt like some place she actually belonged. Closing the door behind her, she closed the door of misery, extricating herself from her self-made problems. She knew, it was the start of something new and she was ready, ready to face whatever was to come next………

Diary entry 99

Dear diary,
A special day is about to start. Oh,no,I’m not talking about my exam. How can I feel good about an exam :-/ As if life isn’t a big exam itself. . . .
Anyway,its my beloved Ginny’s birthday.
A quick glance at the beautiful past-our past-and I can’t stop myself from wanting to relive to imperfect yet most “perfect” moments of my life.
Our story started in grade 9. I used to (pretty much) keep to myself most of the time even then. Reading Harry Potter novels during lunch break,in class,eating my lunch,while all the class fellows used to go out and have fun. She was new in class. She used to stare at me from a distance wondering. . . . .
Then one day she finally came to me during break and asked me what I was reading. It was Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix,I told her. She asked me,how do I stay so quiet all the time?Don’t I have any friends in class?My answer was simple. “Everyone is my friend here.Just not best friend.I don’t make best friends anymore.”
What a lousy start,right?! But who knew it would be a start of something so new,so powerful. Who knew,she would be the friend I have always wanted,the friend I have always needed!
Yes,she stayed with me,all those years.In happy times and in moments of my demise-holding me,hugging me close. She was the one,who never said no. The only regret I have in my heart is that when it was time of her need,I was not anywhere to be seen.I had already left for Islamabad. And she didn’t say a word. Not even when she needed me the most. I wish I was there,now more than ever.
Anyway,this post is meant for my lovely Ginny. Many Happy Returns Of The Day Sweetie!!!
You hold a big portion of my heart,now and forever!!!
*lotsa warm hugs for you*


Diary entry 65

Dear diary,
My uni has been repainted,there are some new benches to sit and take in the natural beauty. Fresh flowers and beauteous sky with clouds masking the sun. Its exquisite, off course for those who love nature. I’ve tried to  snap some pictures but those pictures never come right. So,I guess I’ll just have to memorize the mesmerizing sunsets and the Mountains of Murree that I see everyday from my room window.
My university is beautiful,there’s no doubt about that, and I’m totally in love with it! But there is something that makes my heart ache. As I was walking from Cafeteria towards my hostel block, I saw litter all over the place marring the beauty of the place. And I remembered the time when I was a school-going. There was a teacher in my van,who once (kinda)scolded a child for throwing pieces of paper on the road from moving van. I won’t say that I haven’t done that as a child myself. But the point is, that day when she said that how bad of us that we make our own city and country dirty. Who would clean our city if we don’t take that responsibility?
That was the turning point for me. And then there came a time when I was the senior most student in my van.When I was in college, I was the one carrying on that one good thing I learned in the past. All the children used to make tease me by saying “Baji’s bag is a dust bin”,because I used to put all the wrappers and junk in my bag to throw in a trash bin later. And I didn’t let anyone else throw the litter on roads and streets. I would take it and put in my bag. Yes I occasionally had to listen to their funny remarks, but I didn’t care in the least. Because if that’s what I had to listen to,in order to do the right thing,exactly that I heard and with patience too.
It breaks my heart to see such grown ups, carelessly throwing litter wherever they go and sit. If you ask me, it’s not the duty of sweepers alone to take care of our mess. How are we ever going to get responsible if we don’t take care of our own actions?
I’m still unable to get the scene out of my head. I better go before it gets way over my head.

Hope to see you soon

diary entry 34

Dear diary,

I need to study management for an assignment and quiz but power is out for an hour. I was drawing the curtain when my sick Kenyan roommate stopped me. She needed to be warm and I wasn’t helping. I told her that I have to study. She fell quiet. Now I feel so bad that I closed the curtains and decided to wait for the light to come back.

Last night was one amazing night. I talked to someone who knew me from my childhood. A van fellow. So many memories came back flooding. It was like reliving those days. We used to play a game in which a team of girls would compete against the guys of my van. We each had to give a letter to other team and they had to sing a song starting with that letter. A solid hour would pass in that game before my stop and still we all wanted to keep going every day.

I remember, narrating Harry Potter novel to my fellows, singing Titanic theme song on the way home and in summer we used to fill our water bottles and throw water on van driver and whoever sat in front seat with him. But nothing can compare the joy of sitting on the roof of the van 😉 (Yeah, I used to do that too!)


It was one helluva time we spent, an adventurous childhood, even the thought of which is enough to spread smile across our faces.

Well, thanks to the person who helped me relive those moments.


(This one is for management!)

Time myself in my book.



From the heart of a NOBODY

Hey folks!

I have no idea what I’m going to write about today but I still wanted to write something.Sometimes its just a flood of mixed feelings inside me.And its neither always easy nor prudent to make a dam to control the flow.So,here I am again 🙂

I guess,sometimes its better for both the reader and the writer to go side by side.So,lets just say its happening just about now.

I don’t know why,I just had some memories from my college life floating before me.Not the bad ones.The time that I enjoyed the most just came to me as a flashback.Some time back,I had an argument with a friend about the love of attention in people.I have to say,who doesn’t like to win huh?!I’m no different there but there’s always some uneasiness when I have to go on stage to receive the prize.

I think I’ve become a creature of shadows.Its like I want to do my job but not take the credit for it.Crazy huh?!

Oh,I’ve always hated the limelight-believe it or not,most of the time that I spent on stage singing,it was against my will.I’m the person who was called out of the line in front of the whole school and college population and given a Mic.I hated that!Still do.

So,one thing is clear here,I don’t have any kind of stage fear.When I’m competing,its like I’m one other person like everyone else there,who,if wins,might be remembered by her name,otherwise forgotten forever.Like I said before,I like to win too but the idea of being invisible is more appealing to me than being the centre of attention.My friend,disagrees of course 🙂

I hope the time never comes when you have to see me,face going pink with embarrassment,as I ascend the steps to another stage to receive another prize.You’d know then;I don’t love this attention secretly.

I’m a nobody and I prefer to stay that way!


Diary entry 7

Dear diary,

Its been raining all morn’ today and the heat has subsided.I believe change is good.

A dialogue from a children’s movie made me look at my childhood.

Every girl is a princess!

But looking at my past,my childhood,I didn’t see any princess in nice and lacy frocks ,with ribbons in her hair ,with her  sweet manners and lots of other princesses for friends.

Well,I can’t say I’m a neglected child ’cause the situation was entirely opposite.I’ve been the youngest child for over 7 years before my little brother came into this world.And even then I was the most attention seeking child because I was the only sister of two brothers for another 3 years.By the time I was 10,I had a beautiful little sister.

But Living with a brother who is older than you but close to your age has its own perks.I insisted on wearing clothes just like him.I had little boys for friends. . . . .

Anyway,the point is,I was never a princess-but I always was a WARRIOR-I still am!and I love it that way!I was the wild and cheeky child always,still am!

Alas,the world would never understand me,right?!

Yeah,I know I’ve been a big disappointment for mum I guess but its okay ’cause mum’s got another daughter now-who’s as much fond of fancy clothes and dressing up 🙂 my little sister is the princess at my place.She plays the part well.May she gets to marry a prince too,a prince charming at that-and may her life is filled with extreme happiness.

As for me-I’m happy being me-never afraid to show what I really feel inside.


Time to go to bed!

And choco dreams to you too!



. . . . but whose suffering is it?

It isn’t my secret to hide or to disclose.I thought I’d never see her again-ever.But when exactly did the life ever go the way you expect it to?

Fear didn’t leave me for the whole night.Ghosts and demons of doubt and worry never left my side for even a moment.What was happening,and why?She was a very good friend.In fact one who was close to my heart.We grew up together and shared most of our secrets and little fears of childhood.We studied and stayed in hostel together.I’ve always known her to have a strong sense of right and wrong.She loved her family and me-as I her.

My heart still refuses to accept that SHE of all people could do this,no matter what the circumstances.

Leaving her home and beloved family,without even a word and not a penny on her-that certainly wasn’t the most brilliant idea that ever crossed her mind.I know I could be a pigheaded person sometimes and if anyone had the potential to do it,it was me.But I know even if I have the potential to do it,I would never betray my family like this-I would never cower-I would never leave the battlefield without giving it my best.Its not in me to give up so easily because I’m a warrior inside.While she left without a backward glance-as if she planned never to return.Now that I look on the matter again,I realise how difficult it is on children when their parents fight in front of them in their every waking moment.

Thanks to Allah she is back safe and sound but the scars of wounds that rendered her depression and made her take such big step would never cease to exist.

She suffered everyday and so did her siblings and her mother’s family and her father’s family.But who was responsible for all this and when was it going to end?

People,your family is like a chain,each member its one link.intact though it may seem but there is always a place of attachment that is weaker than the other parts of each link-and its that weaker part that determines how intact you are and how many deathblows you can endure.Save it before its too late for you!

As for her story-I guess,whose suffering it was,we’ll never know!