Diary Entry: The Downward Spiral


Dear diary,

This year has been a disaster, from the start. The Pandemic tearing the families apart, extroverts being forced into social distancing, introverts being forced to live in quarantine with extroverts around; the recent colonel’s wife fiasco, an elaborate scheme to defame our beloved armed forces; the PIA plane crash just days before Eid; Indians making insensitive comments on social media about both incidents….. I dunno why, it just seems that our end is near. Makes me wonder, where is humanity going? Why is it seeping out of us all?

I would never blame a whole country or nation for the abrasiveness of a few. Pakistan does have some crude people, and so does every country but to be happy on someone’s death…. Well, its downright cruel.

And as for the Armed forces defaming incident, hey! I’m an army brat, and we aren’t what that woman made us to be. We don’t think we are better than anyone. We don’t think that only the civilians need to obey laws or that we are above them somehow. The actions of one sub-standard person do not, and I repeat, DO NOT represent military families. We get disciplined for stepping out of the line, more so than other children. We are taught morals and values and are expected to follow them. Actions of one bad person do not put us all in the same category. Period.

As someone who has been positive even in the face of negativity mostly, I suddenly feel slightly leaning towards negative now. I feel tired. Tired of cruelty the people show each other. Tired of the constant disregard of people towards each other. Tired of having arguments with people around me. Tired of being idle. Tired of existing……

I want to leave. This world of technology and misery, to find some quiet place where nobody would bother me. Where bad news won’t find me. Where I won’t have to look at the cruelty with which we have slaughtered our humanity. Where nobody would think that the more they use profanity and curses, the cooler they are. Where the youth won’t record absurd tiktok videos or waste their precious time playing PUBG.

I want to look for peace, in far off mountains, under dense forest trees, away from all the heartbreak this world seems to be currently offering. The end of this world, just seems around the corner. For some, it came yesterday for some it might be today, tomorrow or the day after…..

I don’t know how to end this on a positive note today. So I can only pray, that the things end well, whenever they do. And that people see some sense before its too late and the damage is irreparable.

Diary Entry: Unsettled


Dear diary,
future is always so uncertain. And uncertainty calls for anxiety. I’m certain that what I want, won’t be presented to me in a silver platter for me to enjoy. That never happens. I know I will have to fight for it. It’s just hard when the things that I am passionate about, people- my folks, don’t agree with them and offer resistance. They say stuff that either hurts me or make me fume, and sometimes, both!
Right now, my instinct says, “get ready for the fight!” And there is a dread settling inside me. I don’t wanna fight anyone! I want things to go smoothly but I have a feeling that they won’t. Writing in here isn’t making me better as there is a lot of work to be done. I have to do my clearance from my university first, get my transcript and degree. That’s the easy part(not really, but still easier!).
*Sigh*
My bigger worry would be, convincing my father to let me study further. The way my brother reacted to the news of me studying in Co-ed institute, broke my heart and more than that, made me furious! Thank goodness, he’s not my father! Anyway, my folks know I’m the most obstinate person when I have to be- a total bitch! (No, I’m not proud of that. But this is what my society made me!)
Still, I have put the decision of my future in the hands of Allah(SWT) He has saved me from countless wrong decisions and difficulties, and He definitely, won’t leave me alone now!
I must get ready for Asr Salah. Hopefully, will see you soon. In Sha Allah!

Not the Average Girl.


Don’t tell me interesting stories
don’t call me with sweet names
don’t offer me to be your valentine
don’t play your usual games.
’cause I’m not your average girl,
doing “oohs”and”aahs” on your little tricks.
’cause I’m not your usual girl,
I never cry on chick-flicks :p
Teach me how to fight instead,
I wanna learn the hand combat.
Teach me how to throw a punch.
Lemme be a spoiled Army brat.
’cause I’m not your average girl.
Forget all the feminine cliches.
’cause I’m not your usual girl,
who,on the sight of danger,runs away.
Take me to the battlefield with you,
lemme fight beside you,until I bleed.
Lemme show I’m a warrior,not a worrier.
Lemme hold your hand,help you in need.
’cause I’m not your average girl,
screaming on sight of a lizard.
’cause I’m not your usual girl.
I’ll stand tall in every Blizzard.

Diary Entry:Writing From Hell-hole


Dear diary,
It’s been so long since I last wrote but I’ve missed writing so much that I’ve started to get overwhelmed by the ideas I get these days. My finals are just around the corner and so is SIST 2015. My Internship was supposed to end by the end of January but it got extended til February 10,2015. I’ve been living in AFIC-NIHD AFNS Officers Mess for past 19 days. At first, it felt like I’ve been living any Army dream. But now that I have this life,no matter how temporary, I feel as if my own room in my university hostel is my only link to my sanity. It’s my only safe haven! I don’t wanna live here anymore! The food is good and ample but I don’t have any peace of mind. I haven’t been able to sleep comfortably at night, since I came to this Godforsaken place, so, when It’s finally time to wake up, I’m too tired to leave the bed :/ I usually spend my days either in hospital where I waste my entire time waiting for a miracle to happen or in bed, waiting for another miracle to happen. Sometimes I forget how loneliness gnaws at my soul because I have a friend by my side(virtually-even though i wish it was in flesh and blood) and at other times, I miss my teddy bear,who probably misses me too,sitting alone on my bed in my Uni hostel. My only escape ever from this rotten routine is when I go out, roam the roads of Pindi, with lots of things that I need to buy but end up not buying because I dread going in to shops and getting them. So I end up either eating or buying a lot of edibles that I finish before the night is even up!
I miss my home,my family. But even when my exams are over,I wont be able to go home because of my internship. I miss my friends but I wont be able to share any new moments with them because I wont be in hostel to be with them. And the worst part is,that the internship sucks too! It’s nothing like my old one, and I miss my supervisor so much in moments like this.
I’ve been reading 3 books these days. But I can’t find peace in them any longer. I am bored to my core!!!
I missed my presentations and I don’t seem to care any more. I don’t freaking have prepared for my finals and I don’t give a damn about. I just need a time out! I wish there was something like a time out in real life, I so dearly wish!
Someone told me today that I’m an ordinary girl,desperate for uniform, in my inbox. Yeah,great,that tells so much about you too! Plus even if I’m desperate, I don’t see myself drooling over your uniform, I want one for me, not a uniform clad husband for heaven’s sake! But telling an ass hole all this, wont turn him into a gentleman. And such a person douche-bag is not even worth my answer.
Anyway, I can’t say life isn’t good,perhaps its too good and I can’t appreciate it anymore. I need to see the good things in life that I used to notice before. I need to go back to the way I was not long before. I need to let go of this miserable and unsatisfied persona I keep carrying around with me. I need to live a little more!!!
May be,one of my aimless walks through the city would help me right now.
I should be moving, don’t wanna get late.

Until we meet again!

Diary entry 109


Dear diary,
Last night was fun. It was my birthday and Chloe’s “not-so-surprise,” surprise was wonderful. The cake, the candles, the balloons, the chocolate, little teddy bear, birthday cards, the room decor, and the Army hat 😀 as if all those things were not enough, there was the birthday song and afterwards Chinese Fried Rice,cooked by Chloe herself!
And then I broke the news that I knew what she was planning and for how long. The ringing laughter afterwards. . . .it was priceless!
My lack of friends made our little endeavour look like a very intimate affair 😛 but thanks to the occasional visits from her friends (who came in to eat cake 😉 ) we were never left alone. Which is a good thing, I guess.
And then there was “my alien buddy’s wish.” Two of my best friends in this city are “Archenemies” for each other. What a shocker!!! Oh did I mention,when I talk to you, Chloe gives me a hard time 😛 sometimes 🙂
Opening Google gave me another cute surprise. Google wished me Happy Birthday!!! This means,2 wishes from abroad :DAfterwards, my cousins tried their best to give consent for a marriage. I asked them to find me a Superman and I will marry whenever they want me to 🙂 That was a fun discussion.
And my mum’s message,full of prayers, loved it.
And then there were wishes from the people I never expected to wish. A senior sister from Alhuda, my cousin, some facebook friends . . . . . .
I wish to say thanks to a person,a friend of Chloe’s,who helped her to get my Army hat,in front of me. That’s the only one with which you got away Chloe.
Meeting Peera,well,that’s another story!
Loved the company as always-enjoyed a LOT. And that friend of yours,I wanted to explain things to him,I could,if I tried to,but I suck at talking. . . .so here I am 🙂
And,thank you for the wish(yaay, you can’t object to a thanks now :p ), for the gift that I’m currently enjoying as I write. Means a lot!
And Goldie, Puhleez!!! I’m not that good at writing!
Before I go,I have to let it all out. Just got the news, a little girl, daughter of my mum’s cousin, died yesterday. For a moment, I had to stop and think. I get to live 23 years of my life and a little girl of two and a half dies. Its heart breaking,but its life. I keep questioning myself, what did I do, to deserve such a beautiful life. Guess,nobody ever knows.
First I get a beautiful weather on my birthday, then rain and hail stones. The beauty of rain drops falling on the roads with a splash and occasional hail stones. . . . . Exquisite!
And right now,there’s a nutcase,threatening to go on a killing spree and a suicide mission on facebook. I have to go and deal with that maniac.
Hope to see you soon again.

P.S:Little sister, I love you no matter what. You are a blessing in my life. Don’t be sad for practically no reason!
And Choozay,thank you for making my day even better with those interesting stories you just told :)Goldie,you traitor,I’m singing alone! :-/

Diary entry 91


Dear diary,
Some of my past days have been quite stressing. Stress hasn’t left me completely but I have just tried to push the least important matters to the back of my mind,focusing on the most important and pressing matters. Will deal with the remaining matters whenever I get 1st chance to breathe. Exams are just around the corner. So things have been piling up lately. Came to class with a mind made up to finish everything today but so far,the day has been extremely lazy. Don’t know how long it would take to increase its pace. I’m bored to my core. Waiting for the teacher to come and get over with my presentation and quiz.
Likewise,some of my past nights,including  today’s,have been extremely uncomfortable too. My mind is being extremely over active and annoying. Haven’t been able to sleep properly in the nights but I don’t even bother to try sleeping during day time(dunno why).
Everywhere I look,I see people falling apart. People close to me,people I care about. I have no idea how to stop that. Its frustrating. I’m trying not to let these things take hold of me and break me. So far,I have done a lousy job. Every once in a day or so,stressful thoughts creep into my mind,and I move with their flow for some time. Then I have to slap myself back to being strong,not just for myself but for others too.
Talking to a friend about 10 days ago was kinda turning point of my life. I became hopeful again. Feel as if my life has been returned to my body. Feels like a 2nd chance at happiness. I just came to know that I can still join forces. And this time, I will make sure that at least I try once. Last time,I let the opportunity pass,but this time is different. I don’t wanna live a meaningless and lazy life anymore. I will try for Forces when I complete my degree In Sha Allah.
Still 1.5 years to go but I’m still over-excited.
There are things that I want to talk about,but once again I’m trying to spare feelings of others. I have no idea why I do it. I just do it. And even hurt myself in the process. But I guess,for once in my life I don’t wanna be self-centered and selfish. I can’t even say that this is who I am,because I no longer know if it’s the whole truth or not.
For some days,I just wanna be void of any feelings. I know it’s just wishful thinking,it’s not gonna happen and it just frustrates me even more :-/
I should’ve known there was too much inside me that would come out if I start writing. There’s more. But I should probably let it rest now. For past should remain in past,wont you agree.
Yes,I get it! I should write more often to avoid becoming insane. I get it. Damn you,my laziness!!!
:-/
Anyway,I better go now. Teacher is about to come(Yup,it would take some time and effort to normalize my mood.So I better work on it right now. Writing here has made me morose again 😦  )

Chao

Diary entry 84


Dear diary,
Its been a fun and adventure filled day today. Enjoyed a LOT with two of my buddies. Today was the day when I came to know what an utter moron looks like. And that’s not all. I saw a plaster saint,a  hypocritical SOB . . . If you know what I mean 😉
Aaarggghhhh!!! DISGUSTING and on the same time funny situation too. Helluva experience. Once in a lifetime type,you know. I felt like a spy,a journalist or an army personnel  on some covert mission and enjoyed every single moment of it! 😀
I want to post pictures too but guess it’s not exactly the right time.May be some other fine day 😉
Little moments of happiness,the oops moments and the walking into a wolf’s den moments-been there,done that 🙂

I’m just happy to show people from time to time,what I am inside and totally love the expression of shock on their faces often followed by an admiration.
Anyway,feeling kinda sleepy.And still in no mood for classes tomorrow.(Wish classes were something I could avoid on mood)
Anyway,,gotta take off now.
See ya some other time.

 

P.S:My bestie just yelled at me big time :/