Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

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Diary entry 100


Dear diary,
What a day and what a coincidence. I’m finally free from a hectic,tiring semester and its my 100th diary entry. Feelings of accomplishment kinda doubled ๐Ÿ™‚
Writing this on my way home. A friend suggested that I should wrap up my whole semester in this post. And now I think why not?! (Or at least the parts that I remember :p which By the way,are going to make at least 2 or 3 posts. Hold your horses.)
Oh,the First thing I remember is losing my mind ๐Ÿ˜‰ No kidding dear diary! This semester has proven to be an intense one and no doubt ,was”one heck of a time!” And yes, I did lose my memory(Short term memory).
I seem 6 months older and a little more crazy. But that’s totally okay. I enjoyed each and everyย  moment of this growing older. There were some additions and omissions in my life. Lost a dear friend and all because of a misunderstanding.It did hurt initially but its okay now. Lost one and made 3 new ones. An addition to my close friend list. Love the new people,absolutely. Welcome to my world peeps,the world of silence and communication through eyes ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hope,your stay is longer than some others “Until death doth us part!” ๐Ÿ˜‰
And then there was all the fun I had,getting closer to my bestie and knowing her better,trying to open up and share my side of story with her too.I know I failed miserably but Chloe did a great job showing me something that I used to deny for past so many years. The knowledge kinda kills me inside but the masochistic me enjoy the little heartache sometimes. The good thing is that I didn’t let that knowledge be my weakness but made it my strength. Realized that waiting for someone is so difficult.I used to feel proud that I’m patient.But things happen,(like ahem,ahem. . . )and now that patience has kinda evaporated.I have discovered a new way to love my perfect life ๐Ÿ™‚ And yeah,I’m totally satisfied with my discovery-happy actually.Its like having a new reason for living even though I was trying to live my life in the best way I knew how.
People have stopped complaining that I’m too silent, it’s a good thing,right?!. Thanks to Chloe-or should I call you Goldilocks now? :p ๐Ÿ˜‰
Sneaking out of my hostel for a trip to Goldilocks’s home,meeting her sweet family(especially the cute babies โค and one,the youngest,in particular.The shy one.Still remember his shy smiles when I took his name,and the laughter that followed that smile.just loved it! )
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Then the Mansehra and Abbottabad trip.The long walk trip. . . . . . Had the time of my life!
Should I come towards studies? Naah,I don’t think so :p No mood to touch any boring subject,not today at least!
Oh,and then there was the adventure of my life time-December 11,2013.How could I forget that one!!!
And the strikes in University.Me being among the 1st soldiers who marched out and stayed on the front line for 6 straight hours . . . . . .
Sitting out of our final exam-me and my whole class in solidarity with hostel fellows(me included off course :p )And the out of uni adventures with Goldilocks-I’m gonna miss those (You made me a spendthrift person Goldie!)
And Yup,I loved meeting “Peera.” The way you used to praise him,it’s not enough.He definitely deserves better.And oh,the clownish friend of yours who has been very helpful (Shhhh,don’t let him know I called him that :p )
Yup,you turned my life upside down girl! But thank you for working on a hopeless boring person like me ๐Ÿ˜‰
Aaaaah!Dear diary,the more I look towards this past semester,the more I realize that I have enjoyed my self to the full! I’ve had more adventures in this little time,than I have ever had in my whole 22 and a half years.And this is not even the end.A window of hope opened for me again.I’m gonna give a chance to my lifelong dream of joining the forces after I’m done with this current degree,In sha Allah.Thanks to you,Officer buddy.And when I join,don’t you dare boss me around.I’m your therapist friend first before being your junior(oh yeah,the unauthorized therapy is going great too :p I think). Don’t you dare forget that ๐Ÿ˜‰ :p
Yeah,dear diary,I’m happy.And I guess its showing (a little too much ๐Ÿ™‚ )
Wanna keep writing but my laptop wont allow it.So lets give it some rest before it dies.
Hope to see you soon again.And will try to add more details if I remember ๐Ÿ˜‰
Before I go,a special thanks to Goldilocks,Alien buddy,Sir Usama, Chicken, Fati, Saadi, Ginny, DJ-to-be-buddy and my beloved Teddy,for lighting up my days and for putting up a huge smile on my face day in and day out! Love you all dearly!

P.S:Wrote this post yesterday but wasn’t able to post it just then as my EVO had a heart attack on my way back home and my lappie died of grief :p But I didn’t wanna change anything I wrote so here is a post that was meant to be posted yesterday. Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it ๐Ÿ™‚ More adventures in next Post In Sha Allah!