Diary Entry: Blunders


Dear Diary,

Never again would I ever be the moderator of another official program in my life.

*huff!!!*

I mean, seriously, the pressure, the blunders, the anxiety…….. That’s simply too much!

In case you are wondering what happened, well, I was asked to be the moderator for a workshop organized by the faculty of Social Sciences in our university today, because our “usual” moderator had to go out of station. The anxiety started building up yesterday evening when I thought about actually doing the deed.  But I spent the whole time recording a voice-over for a video that my little cousin was making for a competition in her college. I had the basic structure and the event schedule provided to me yesterday but my mind didn’t feel fresh enough to rehearse, by the time I finished recording. So I simply ignored the urge to practice (a decision that by the way I am glad to have made now.)

My day today, started with running towards the auditorium because I was 3 minutes late as the bus wasn’t on time. But turned out that i was 7-12 minutes early anyway. Anyway, the starting was a little jittery but I survived through most of the day by rushing to refill my water bottle again and again during the times when the speakers were lecturing and then announcing the next speaker. Half of the time was spent giving introductions and the other half of the time was spent calling out the designations and names of important people of the university, like the dean, the registrar, the acting vice chancellor. Not to mention the repeated changes in the sequence of events and my hurried scrolls on my diary to remember those changes.

But that wasn’t enough. The closing ceremony was yet an even bigger disaster, waiting to happen. As I came on stage to announce the names of the resource persons and the organizing committee members for the reception of their respective shields and certificates, a teacher and the dean kept bugging me with new names or information every second which confused me so much. I guess, some accidents are bound to happen. So there I was, publicly humiliating myself by mixing the names and designations of who should present the next shield to whom. And to top it off, I didn’t know the name of our acting vice chancellor or even the registrar (thanks to me being an antisocial moron who doesn’t give a damn to whatever is happening around her) and I might even get chastised for it later. But I’m glad, the nightmare is over!

Never again!!!

And the most disappointing part of today was that I couldn’t be attentive during the whole speaker’s session and it was related to Qualitative research- my research is a qualitative one as well. Oh, and my head of department didn’t come today so that was very discouraging as well. But I’ve told her that I hate her for not coming today, even though, we both know that’s not true!

And right now, I feel like- either drinking a big mug of tea or sleeping for years without being disturbed! *rolling my eyes* (Like that’s gonna happen -_- )

Mayn, I’m tired!

*yawns*

The Need, the Struggle, the Block!


A quote by D.W Winnicott is stuck in my mind right now. He stated, and I couldn’t agree more that “Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.” But when I try to analyze my own self through this criteria, I keep feeling that I have this need, deep inside to communicate. I didn’t use the word desire. I said “need.” Because, it sure feels like a need.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with my teacher who said that I hide. I’m not very “talky, talky.” And to that I replied, I share but nobody listens. Is it not what happens all around us? Don’t you think that the need to say stuff and not being able to get it off your chest is one of the major reason that people sometimes snap?! Being a Clinical Psychology student, I have witnessed the struggle. Hell, I have struggled with this all my life and I still am struggling with the concept every day. At the end of the day, my mind keeps telling me, nobody cares and nobody listens so why bother?! And thus, a “Quiet-Me” comes into existence.

But if we stop for a minute, to listen to someone, who wishes to share something that may be very moot or pointless for us but very precious or important for the other person, then we might help in reducing the exponential increases in Psychological problems.

It takes courage for a person to reach out and voice their inner feelings. Believe me, I know the struggle! And sometimes, the person voicing those feelings doesn’t even need for you to give them a solution to their problem. They are merely in search of an attentive ear. Our Dean, today asked what could be done to reduce stress or anxiety or depression from our society. One very easy solution came into my mind. Talking less, Listening more! So why not Listen?!

And then comes the point where people don’t know how to differentiate between hearing and listening. We go out, there are multiple voices that our mind registers. Some of them we concentrate on and some of them we get so used to that we simply ignore or don’t think to be a big deal. That’s hearing. Listening on the other hand involves a little bit more effort from our brain. It requires attention and understanding or at least an attempt on understanding whatever is being said. That being said, Listen to people if they come to you for help. If you don’t, they might just block you out, never to try to be close with anyone again.

A little effort on our part can save a lot of lives!

 

Diary Entry: Oh the Downs!


Dear diary,

By now, I know, I should be able to pull through bad mood swings but I haven’t.I have an exam on the coming Saturday, my final research methodology exam, for which I’m not prepared even in the least- AGAIN! I’m still home but mum has been really accommodating where studies are concerned. She is letting me sit and try to study, which previously I thought was kinda impossible at home. I actually did get some stuff done and out of the way. But there is a constant gloomy cloud over my head since last night. Mum has inquired more than twice today, if something is wrong with me, if I’m hiding something….. Of course something is wrong with me and of course I’m hiding something, but my dear mum, you don’t need to know that, because I know that if you know, you’ll worry yourself sick. Plus, its my personal weakness and my own private battle to fight. Its January- the month in which my roommate died, two years back. For past 2 years, it has been bringing me low moods, anxiety and bad health. Once it passes, I recover on my own. I know her death has affected me more severely than I would like to admit but its a fact. I don’t know how long it would take me to get rid of this type of reactions from my physical being. or if I ever would…..

I think, for me to heal properly, I need closure. I need to stop running. But I don’t know how to do it.

Sometimes, I wish, there was someone, with whom I could share, getting past my inhibitions. But every single time I have tried opening up, people tend to run in the opposite direction. I don’t if it’s the intensity of the emotions or just their plain lack of interest that drives them away. And then it forces me to pull back and hide myself in layers upon layers of superficial “I’m perfectly spiffingly amazing aura,” and deal with my share of pain, all alone, inside, with oblivious people around me. Sometimes I wish, for people to try, at least for a little bit, to understand what goes on inside my head, instead of judging me and labeling me with labels like “a secretive person or a complex entity.” But nobody looks at me and sees someone tired of hiding behind layers. All they see is someone who doesn’t complain openly. All they see, is bravery, stubbornness and a strong will. Nobody deciphers how much of a sham these things have become.

There is so much I want to say, so much that my insides constantly scream when my tongue is completely silent and stone cold. Most often than not, I dwell at a lonely place. A place where nobody comes to visit. A place filled with the downs but the very place that has me in its strong hold.

And there is a blockage inside my head right now. It might be because I’m hungry.

Til next time……

Diary Entry: SIST 2016


Dear diary,
SIST2016 starts today, in sha Allah! I couldn’t resist coming back here, to my beloved Islamabad. As soon as the air of my beloved city entered my lungs, I felt as if I’ve been shaken awake from a very deep sleep!
I never knew I would be that happy to come back here. The Euphoria won’t go even though, at the back of my mind I know, this time, winning in a competition, is close to impossible. I haven’t done it before and I haven’t prepared for it either. But just being in Islamabad, has filled me with such tremendous joy, which I can’t even explain in words!
There is something nagging at the back of my mind-my love life, or lack thereof, sucks, BIG TIME! I know I will worry about it, obsessively think about it, but the thoughts of it, I have saved for later. I don’t want to put lesser effort than I actually can, into the work I have to do. So, tension is a big no.
People used to say, a heart in love, does crazy things. I personally think it to be nothing but crap. But recently, my heart’s been giving me subtle ultimatums. I’ve been experiencing “Arrhythmia,” Most frequently “Tachycardia.” Thanks to House M.D, I have learned the terms and now I know their meanings as well. I’ve been trying not to take any kind of stress but getting rid of love for someone, from your heart, is a very difficult feat. And I don’t love, I melt in love. It’s not just a deep feeling but a way of life. It courses through my veins, keeps my heart beating. And sadly enough, these are not just plain words. I would, if I ever get a chance, die for the one I love. She’s a lucky one, whoever is getting him, without any efforts. I wish I could envy her. But I just can’t. He’s not written in my fate as my partner, it’s not her fault that he’s written in hers.
Anyway, I must go, have some rest. It’s a big day today, just waiting to happen!
And I’m not even prepared for the competitions yet :/

P.S: I miss a very dear reader of mine- Muneera from Occupied Kashmir. Girl, wherever you are, I hope you are in the best of your health and that you can get in touch soon!
Love

Me.

Diary Entry: Going Home


Dear diary,
I’m going home, today. For how long, I don’t know. What am I gonna do there, that’s a big mystery too. It’s been 5 years now, I’ve been out of my place, away from my folks….. And I’m going home now and I don’t know them much anymore- they don’t know me much either. Its not like I don’t visit. But weekends aren’t really enough when most of that time, you spend in your journey. Anyway, I’m hoping that they won’t try to clip my wings. They are small but they are mine, nevertheless. And they know how much I love my freedom and it’s one thing I never compromise on. The day when this truly sank in my mind, that my degree has been completed and I can’t stay here anymore, I felt weird. I wanted to stay. I know my mind set didn’t change too much but it certainly wasn’t conservative in the first place….unlike people back at my home station. Anyway, I know I might have to do a LOT of fighting and standing up back there. It’s fine with me as long as I don’t hurt anybody’s feelings. I know I would tread with care but I know I am no more the kind of person I used to be and I slip up, more than once,in a while. I am quick to anger-AGAIN :/ but I’m quick at letting go as well. I’ve been suffering from “Negativitis” for past two nights but I’m still hoping for the best while preparing my mind for the worst as well. Goodness!I’m getting late!
I gotta go. Dunno when I would be able to write next or if I would be able to, at all!
No, It’s not a goodbye. I will manage to come back somehow, in sha Allah!
Writing here has been a constant help in my effort to release stress and anxiety- and I already feel better. Okay, I really gotta run now!

P.S: Until we meet again 🙂

Diary entry 11


Dear diary,
Its been days since my last word.I’ve been through a couple of hard times in this silent time of mine,some serious and some just frustrating.Anyway,I’ve packed for my journey,all set and I’m more than ready to go back.Seeing my enthusiasm,you’d think either I love my studies too much or I hate my home-well,nothing is true in my case.I just get tired of a routine thats all.If I don’t get changes in life from time to time,I get bored,then frustrated and then nearly insane in the end.But like I said before-you are my one connection to sanity-and its true to its core.
*sigh*
how I wish my life never stops moving-how I wish someone would let me try the life of a gypsy for some time.But then the time would be void of your presence.And now that I’ve got you,I’d never want to lose you.

Couldn’t sleep whole night-anxiety I guess.
I’d better try and get some sleep-have  a long journey ahead 🙂
Adieu