A cup of hot cocoa in hands,
Shawl draped shoulders,
Slightest chill of winter nights,
Down below, the city lights,
Busy, bustling, streets of gold,
My balcony,on the top floor,
And the thoughts of you,
And you alone……..
I learned to love winters!
It’s been so long since I last wrote but I’ve missed writing so much that I’ve started to get overwhelmed by the ideas I get these days. My finals are just around the corner and so is SIST 2015. My Internship was supposed to end by the end of January but it got extended til February 10,2015. I’ve been living in AFIC-NIHD AFNS Officers Mess for past 19 days. At first, it felt like I’ve been living any Army dream. But now that I have this life,no matter how temporary, I feel as if my own room in my university hostel is my only link to my sanity. It’s my only safe haven! I don’t wanna live here anymore! The food is good and ample but I don’t have any peace of mind. I haven’t been able to sleep comfortably at night, since I came to this Godforsaken place, so, when It’s finally time to wake up, I’m too tired to leave the bed I usually spend my days either in hospital where I waste my entire time waiting for a miracle to happen or in bed, waiting for another miracle to happen. Sometimes I forget how loneliness gnaws at my soul because I have a friend by my side(virtually-even though i wish it was in flesh and blood) and at other times, I miss my teddy bear,who probably misses me too,sitting alone on my bed in my Uni hostel. My only escape ever from this rotten routine is when I go out, roam the roads of Pindi, with lots of things that I need to buy but end up not buying because I dread going in to shops and getting them. So I end up either eating or buying a lot of edibles that I finish before the night is even up!
I miss my home,my family. But even when my exams are over,I wont be able to go home because of my internship. I miss my friends but I wont be able to share any new moments with them because I wont be in hostel to be with them. And the worst part is,that the internship sucks too! It’s nothing like my old one, and I miss my supervisor so much in moments like this.
I’ve been reading 3 books these days. But I can’t find peace in them any longer. I am bored to my core!!!
I missed my presentations and I don’t seem to care any more. I don’t freaking have prepared for my finals and I don’t give a damn about. I just need a time out! I wish there was something like a time out in real life, I so dearly wish!
Someone told me today that I’m an ordinary girl,desperate for uniform, in my inbox. Yeah,great,that tells so much about you too! Plus even if I’m desperate, I don’t see myself drooling over your uniform, I want one for me, not a uniform clad husband for heaven’s sake! But telling an ass hole all this, wont turn him into a gentleman. And such a
person douche-bag is not even worth my answer.
Anyway, I can’t say life isn’t good,perhaps its too good and I can’t appreciate it anymore. I need to see the good things in life that I used to notice before. I need to go back to the way I was not long before. I need to let go of this miserable and unsatisfied persona I keep carrying around with me. I need to live a little more!!!
May be,one of my aimless walks through the city would help me right now.
I should be moving, don’t wanna get late.
Until we meet again!
Seeing you with someone else
Is my personal share of hell
I don’t feel jealous, I don’t cry
But my inside just wants to die
I burn, I ache, I writhe in pain
I wither, I crumble, I withdraw
Until what’s left is a mute me
Insane, coward, the living dead
No, I’m still not jealous
And it’s just pain, it will pass
I knew you were bad
But I entered danger zone
I took the chance
Now I burn in fire
Of my own desire
Alone, waiting for you!
Tonight’s one of those nights,that I wanna cry to the full of my heart.I want to be able to cry,openly but can’t.Don’t ask me the reason,because there’s none.And right now,my eyes are watering. I thought maybe if I let go of one or 2 tears,I’d feel better,well I don’t.I feel just like I felt before I started to cry,hiding behind my laptop,so my roommate wont see me.
Yes,I don’t understand myself most of the time,and this is not any different.I thought,writing would help.But I guess I have been wrong twice in one night.
I guess I should go any bury my sorry face in my fluffy pillow or hold my teddy in a tight hug or do whatever it takes to make myself comfortable again.
hope to visit soon
- Diary entry 66 (neyoxhan.wordpress.com)
Writing early today because I’m alone right now,listening to the most beautiful Taraweeh Salah live.Feeling so light and happy 😀
Everything is back on the track in life-except for my SIM network.Its still horrible and of course the power breakdown-how can I forget that one!Trying to write something new-just an experiment though.Hope it would be successful.I’m planning to let it out soon,but depends on how much I get time to write.
Miss my university life so dearly(working at home-doing all the household chores aren’t to my liking!).Heard that the result for 2nd semester is out(Don’t even go there,I’m not sharing it under any circumstances!Ugh,kidding 😀 don’t even know myself yet!)
September-Please come quick,want to be doing something!
Family invasion on my solitude-gotta run!
’till next time-
I have this feeling today,this life of mine is a fairytale without a prince charming,a step mother and stepsisters,without wicked witches and a fairy godmother.In short i live in this story of my own with no climax.yeah,I’m bored,I’m disturbed,distressed,unhappy,sometimes too happy,but that’s about it.nothing special,nothing out of ordinary!
Tonight is one of those nights when my heart suffers so endlessly,when it cries of no fathomable reason,when it feels so alone and lonely. Let me assure you I’m not alone-literally,neither am I a loner.I used to think that I’m good at being nobody,when I wish to.I’m good to move with the flow of the world. But now I’ve realized that probably I’m not! I think I’m one of those people who can’t hold their tongue when they have something valid to say. Who don’t back down easily,who are courageous fighters. Yeah I am a person who would never except life as it is. I believe,no one could chalk my ways better than me.I don’t want someone else to write my life for me when I could write it better on my own,and I won’t even accept any such favour.
“thanks,but no thanks.”