Diary Entry: Journey


Dear diary,

I’m on my way to home after wasting two weeks entirely. I’ve been procrastinating my research work on peak. I’ve hit the bottom of the pit of lack of motivation. All I keep thinking about is my novel, which I haven’t written a single word of, after completing 3 chapters. The problem with that is that I keep thinking about the climax points of the book. I’m very much clear on those parts. I’ve even thoughts about the dialogues and every single detail for those chapters. It’s the initial chapters that would lead the story towards those chapters that I am having trouble with. I mean, I want to write them as well and like a normal human being, proceed in the right order of the novel, from start to end but I guess, by now, we all know that there is nothing about me that yells “this person is normal!” Yes, I know, I’m not normal. I’m the very definition of abnormal- not even special kind of abnormal.

*sigh*

My next war has already started. I want to join mindbridge; a call centre, for a job that they offered. The job was perfect as it was a written one. Online chats and email related and I totally aced both my interviews but my family wont let me join, which is frustrating. Let’s be honest here. I don’t do the talking. I know I can talk, I can talk really well if I try a little but talking just isn’t my kind of thing. I can write better and I’m sure that my fingers work in sync with my mind but my tongue just refuses to comply most of the times. Mum has labelled it as lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she’s right. But I blame my introversion. Even though I know very well that it’s not a disease but it’s who I am, I still don’t want to come out of my comfort zone when it comes to talking. Mum wants me to take some teaching job back in my hometown but teaching is just not my thing. Talking is a big no for me, duh!

People keep stressing that I should be married by now. But it’s not on my to do list right now. I have to stand once again for a chance at further studies. Yes, I don’t want to quit just yet. I never wanted to study more than ADCP because it was the minimum requirement for joining armed forces and I’ve been crazy passionate about armed forces all my life. I just wanted to end up there, still do. But it’s not enough now. Thanks to my beloved head of department :/ Now I want to gain a PhD and perhaps a post-doctoral degree as well (and people want to kill me for being so difficult and not getting married already)

People have this common notion in Pakiland that those who do a PhD, go partially insane. No worries there as I’m pretty sure, I already am partially insane. Anyway, I know, each step towards that goal- insanity or no insanity- means waging another war at home. But everyone knows its really hard to sway me once I have made up my mind. Let’s see what happens.

I miss my stupid friends very much these days. Been dropping subtle hints in the form of poetic verses but they don’t seem to get the idea. But then again, I feel like kicking them out of my life for not realizing that I’m trying to talk to them. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, do they even remember me, do they even miss me or am I the only one…. And when waiting for them to get the hint becomes too much, I just feel like throwing them out of my contact list, for abandoning me and leaving me with my stupid toxic thoughts even though they knew fully well that I’m a person who thinks a LOT!!! Hate you peeps for that! I dunno, I might just erase myself from your lives completely because it hurts to see your names and not talk to you but remember all the fun times we spent together. Feels like another lifetime. And I’ve been very loyal to you idiots. I didn’t make any new friends, unlike you guys. I didn’t abandon you guys but you got busy in your own lives and left me behind. My city changed, so what?! Did that mean you had to remove me from your hearts too?! Yes, I’m cross. Very cross indeed! And you know what, if I turn my back, if I turn cold, there won’t be any force that would make me love you ever again. Just sayin’. Don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you, if that happens. Huh! Your silence has always been a loud enough voice for me.

*sigh*

Okay, that’s officially too much “sighing” on my part.

*sigh*

ugh!

The moon is kinda Orangy tonight. And I should wrap this thing up because I have started writing more crap than usual.

 

Until next time!

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Diary Entry: Ages Passed


Dear diary,
ages have passed since I last wrote in here. I can’t even remember when I did. Anyway, my first semester has long been over. I’m done with one of my mid term exams. Two left to go. My Placement viva for Adult psychopathology is finally over and I passed with flying colours. I’m still top most in my class. But you know me, I don’t really deserve that. I don’t work for it!
Anyway, I’ve made a new friend and I’m in love with one of my teachers. She’s a big motivating person in my life now a days, for which I’m very much thankful. She urges me to be better and do better. University life doesn’t suck as much either. I miss Islamabad, very much. The nature, the beauty that used to calm me down, its long gone. I miss that so much! I have developed a very bad habit ever since I came to Lahore. I start studying an hour or so before my exam. The rest of the time, I keep wasting.
Living in a room without a big window is frustrating. I often feel down. And those are the times when my teacher usually comes in handy. I enjoy talking to her. I’m super attached. She has grown attached too. But I miss when I’m unable to talk to her. And I do realize that she’s an extremely busy person. But I can’t help it!
Right now, I feel a little down because it’s been days since I’ve had a chance to talk to her properly. Oh no, not because I’m not free but because she isn’t. She’s going to be our new head of department. On one hand, I love the idea and on the other, I worry, she would be way more busy than usual and then I won’t have enough time to talk to her :/ Man! that sucks! And being super attached to someone sucks too!
I should probably go and try to hold myself together.
See you soon, if life permits!

Ciao

Diary Entry: Still Very Much in Love


Dear diary,
I have joined Lahore Garrison University, a place I dreamt of being at, as soon as I came to know it existed. I am on my way to become a Clinical Psychologist. I’m so happy ever since I came here. It’s as if my life has an actual purpose now. I’m finally interested in actual studies. I can finally say I’m content.
My life here in Lahore and my life generally has taken a big twist. Okay, I knew I was much more than I ever let people see in Islamic Uni, but the way I am now, it’s got even me surprised. I’m the new CR for my class, I’m a whole lot social and chatty, even with the people I hardly know. I actually joke around with teachers and participate in class discussions more than perhaps my whole class does, when combined. I’m more confident than I was ever before. I’m not afraid of messing up anymore. This new found confidence is intoxicating. All this positivity, it’s made my life better, happier. I enjoy every single moment of it! Oh, and I have grown busier. CMH in the mornings classes in the evenings.
But you know what hasn’t changed?! My heart. It still aches for a person I still can’t have. In between my elated and euphoric moods, there comes a day or two, every now and then, that brings me sadness and negativity all over again. And even after being so aware of what I am and what I can be, what I can accomplish, I still have that single day that tries to bring me down. And since I don’t have any other reason to loathe myself, my heart fabricates one very convenient one. Because my love is an unrequited one, I start big on self doubting. Maybe I don’t deserve him. Maybe He’s too good for me.
Then comes the stage when I establish, that I’m totally as worth being happy in my life, as the next person. And he’s not too good for me. Once my heart is settled on this fact, I start thinking maybe he thinks I’m not worthy enough to deserve him, which is just a pathetic way of self torture and destruction. And then I have no way of denying that, so I go a little more downward on my self-doubting ride. Then time for a sudden uplift comes. My little sisters come in handy at this stage. They keep telling me he’s a fool for not realizing my worth and that I deserve better than him. And that I’m not the one who doesn’t deserve him, he’s the one who doesn’t deserve me. Which works even though I don’t actually agree. And when they are not around, I take solace in praying to Allah and asking Him to take the love of that person out of my heart and replace it with the person’s love who would be mine and is right for me. And if I have, by some mistake, stumbled upon the right person and currently he resides in my heart, make things easier for me then.
I would be blunt, I would tell him that I’m someone who prided myself in not being a believer of before marriage love. I love my parents so much that I wouldn’t ever dare to cause them pain by betraying them and falling for someone. He would have to be some extra special entity to have made me fall for him, head over heels. And he totally is! If only he’d know. If only he’d let me confess without cutting me off…. If only I could tell him, I accidentally made him my worst weakness and that I’m not interested in a futile relationship. I’m better than that. And yes, I dream but I’m not totally naive. I’m not looking for a temporary, illegal fix for my insanity. The idea of him not being mine and some other lass having him, its hard on my nerves. If I was capable of irrational emotions, I would totally hate the 3rd person. I don’t want to like her but I can’t hate her because I don’t even know her. And even if I did, I wouldn’t hate her for being the centre of affection of the person I love.
Grrrrrrr…… I’m in such a deep emotional mess! And all because I dared to dream. No, I’m never going to be sorry for taking a chance and trying to dream. I won’t apologize for being hopeful and I won’t kill myself for nit being enough.
Guess, I still talk too much >_< But it’s late and I have a sick body to take care if and of course have work in the morning.
See you ASAP.