Diary Entry: Hope


 

You know one of those times, when words fail you because you are being too emotional?! This isn’t one of those times for me. I’ve spent so long, being miserable when things didn’t go my way or when I wanted to write but a bad case of writer’s block had  my words and senses in a knot. Nothing has changed tonight either. I’ve just mustered up enough courage to write again. Its been so long since I wrote last. I’ve missed this feeling of elation inside. I’ve missed my voice, my words. In real world, things have gone for the worse. My words have lost meaning. I’ve lost a LOT of my positivity and enthusiasm for life.
People keep telling me life is hard. I believe it not to be true. Its the people who make even the simplest of things harder. I’ve made a habit of detoxifying my life of such toxic people but the culture I’ve been born and raised in, doesn’t allow some of those people to be entirely cut off from my life. So, I’m just waiting for a time when I would be able to leave all of this behind and focus ahead without being afraid that someone would put a foot on my cape the moment I got the power to fly.
I know, I know. I’m a dreamer. I dream of freedom. I plan and plan and plan until I’m exhausted. The more I try building myself up, the worse the blows get. Sometimes I get so tired of it all. But I try not to write of such unhappy thoughts.
I have hit the rock bottom of my worse self. I don’t know how to pick myself back up, without losing important parts of me in the process. But looking back towards the kind of person I was even 5 years ago, I cannot help but sigh. All that energy, all that chaos has gone poof! All that remains is a rotten shell that bacteria probably eat away at. Maybe, it would make the bacteria sick or maybe the bacteria would successfully decompose it and mix it with soil to help create new life. Ugh! I can only hope!!!
Okay, enough of the unhinged talk. I just happened to read something I wrote the last time here. I almost didn’t recognise the “me” who typed those words. It felt as if I was writing to soothe myself, which perhaps was the case. I almost didn’t recognize my own words because they were adorned with a light sprinkle of humor. Light within the darkness. This has been me all along. I understand it now. Its a part of me. I just have to dig inside and find it again. I just have to keep faith and hope…

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