Diary Entry: Reformation, I hope!


Dear diary,

Today I cut my own hair for the first time, which considering how much I love my hair, is a huge transition. And I kinda love the change I’ve been wanting for so long. But I just wish, like this little change, other things were easier to change too. Like my heart or its ability to love to the moon and back. Hah! Fat chance, I know 🙂 Anyway, I think my diaries have been linked so much to my emotions and feelings. Or rather the emotional turmoil. I am writing after such a long gap. I’ve thought about the reason of my prolonged absence. And arrived at the conclusion that during all these past months when I was inactive, I wanted to write, very often but perhaps I was going through a state of emotional stagnation. Well, my emotions were not exactly stagnant but I didn’t feel them touch their peaks or the depths for that matter. Thus the long silence. It seems that in order to write, my emotions have to be amplified, my patience has to run dry. Be it happiness or sadness.

Anyway, since my brother got married, which was on 24th of the last month, I’ve been on cloud nine. I have a new sister and I love having her around. The over all environment of our home has become happier. It’s been almost a week since I came back to Lahore and I’m already missing home. Things here are business as usual. Ups and downs. Sometimes things just get to me, like they did, last night. Words, carelessly spoken, not to harm or hurt but leaving their mark. Most of the time I ignore such stuff. Sometimes, I’m unable to. And then I curl into a ball under my quilt and cry myself to sleep. The day that follows, passes with me still hidden in my bed, eyes hurting. And the days following that, are some days spent ignoring people or giving curt replies until the gloom uplifts and hurt feelings get a proper funeral and are buried- yet again!

Well, nobody ever claimed that life is supposed to be easy. But hope is what keeps me going. Hope, that one day, the people I love would stop pushing me away.  Some day I would no longer have to contemplate untying the knots of my heart and leaving people who take me for granted. Don’t get me wrong here. I understand very well that nobody can stay with us for an eternity, at least not in this world. I don’t have any issue with death itself. What hurts is, seeing people you love, alive and well but drifting apart. I wish a life void of this fear.

Hey, a girl can wish and dream!

Anyway, I should part ways with you for tonight and my eyes still feel as if they have been filled with sand.

Until we meet again!!!

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