I have opened and closed this blog for 4th or 5th time, every time with a mind to write something, anything. But every time, I closed it again. Not being able to make my mind is a torture really. Now, finally I’m here and I’m writing.
Dear diary, there is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. The two people close to my heart here in Islamabad wont just stop giving me a hard time. I have thought hard and for long hours but my heart(that idiot!) wont let me let go of any of the two. He wants to stick to them just like an afraid child clings to his mother. Pathetic, I know. But if was it ever so easy to make this stupid heart understand, I would’ve done the job already. It just wont listen to me anymore. Yes, it pisses me off big time. So much that instead of using my most usual word “yeah”, I used “Yes.”
I’m often greeted with hot flashes in my body these days than not. It’s difficult to know the cause since I’m someone who is effected by cold more than the hot weather. Probably its just hypoglycemia because none of the other possible explanations could be related to me. And then there is this feeling of uneasiness in crowded places. I recently learned it is called Agoraphobia. Agora is a Greek word meaning “a place where people meet.” So roughly its the fear of market place or crowded places. It may also include the fear of vast open spaces. Nope, I’m not getting better in Psychology. I gave an exam on Monday that kept me awake whole night. It was a subject called “Mental Health and Psychopathology 2.” An otherwise interesting subject but so much syllabus piled up that I could not enjoy it while preparing for it.
Hell,no! I don’t have Agoraphobia (thank goodness) I just feel slightly uneasy and out of breath in crowded places,that’s it.
My roommate’s body spray ended some days back,so my lungs are enjoying the little break they have right now. I hope she never brings a new one. Because she doesn’t use them like a normal human being. She practically takes shower in her body spray, almost choking me to death every time!
Anyway, I still have so many mixed feelings but my mind is a bit calm now. I don’t wanna lose any of the two people whom I call my friends,here in Islamabad. But I can do nothing about it,just pray silently and hope that Allah listens to them soon,that Allah sees my lips moving and understands what my heart wants,then give it precisely what it desires.
I have an urge to run, a craving. But at this hour, I wont find a space long enough and deserted enough to do it. I wish there was such a place,though
Until we meet again!
Diary entry 118