my hormones make me edgy these days,more often than not. People think I act weird. But I think I’m finally learning to be a female. The darker side, the unruly emotional side. Nope,it’s not cute,it’s not charming. Its irritates me to the bones. Like I said,I’m edgy most of the time. I say things,not meaning to,and hurt people I love,people close to my heart. I would deny it. It’s not me doing all this,no,it’s not. But what use is my denial when I know the truth is that it’s all me.
The truth is,at times,I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t recognize this girl with a sharp tongue,wounding hearts of countless with little effort. I mean,I have always been good at fighting. And the blood running through my veins sure has a legacy. Being a warrior is what I have known all my life. But the truth is,I hurt inside. Somewhere deep down. The warrior sometimes stops to take a breath,to renew its strength. And that moment of rest,it half kills me. The temper tantrums are exhausting. But do you know whats more exhausting?! Not letting the lava out. Keeping it inside. Fearing,it would burn the ones I love,when they are the reason that lava exists in the 1st place. I keep letting myself burn and let my fear of losing my loved ones eat me away.
I know I need to stop. I know I need to let things out. But I guess a warrior doesn’t only has to sacrifice his life.1st come the sacrifice of feelings.
Nope,I’m not gonna say I’m good at it. I whine here all the time. But this is the thing about sacrifice of a warrior,like waiting,it never ends. You spend your whole life learning to let go of things,to sacrifice your feelings. Every time you come to think you have mastered the skill. But the truth is,every time the hurt is even greater than the last time. The gash,the wound is deeper than ever before.
And then there are times when you can’t justify or explain your actions. Like just now,I cant explain why am I writing all this stuff.I want to,but I have no idea why. All I feel is,like there is a big hole inside,getting bigger and darker with every passing second.
But one thing I know for sure,my moment of distress will pass soon enough.I’ll be okay.I mean,I always am,in the end.So why whine. . . .
I better get some sleep now.Its late
Diary entry 103