The fear and the void


I’m endlessly staring on the blank space before me.I logged in with the mind that I’d write something new.But I happen to have caught a new disease which seems to be taking control over my brain fast.Too swift for me to comprehend or even pin point its cause and take some remedy.

I’ve lost control over my own thoughts.I can’t write what I think and I keep forgetting what I want to write.My once well-organized thought process is nothing more than miscellaneous strands of broken thought threads now.

In class,where I used to be certain that once I heard and understood something,I’d be able to reproduce it whenever I was required to do so.Now,I seem lost.Every word that comes out of my teacher’s mouth,is just another group of meaningless letters and every sentence is a combination of unfathomable concepts,that leaves me gaping at it as if I suddenly encountered an alien.

And then there’s this fear inside me that’s eating me alive.The fear of not being able to remember anything.In normal students,it’s better known as pre-exam fear.But once they see the question paper,the fear starts to ease and ooze out of their systems.But I never had any concerns about my marks or grades-ever.So why is this similar fear gripping me,when I’m doing an excellent job in class?

I guess,I may never know.

It’s just like this occasional feeling of void and emptiness I get.Its not new,and it is my companion of solitude but I haven’t been able to figure out its real reason.It just eats me from inside.Its like some invisible hand clutching and squeezing my internal organs and I feel so helpless.I feel like crying,as if that would ease the situation.For a person who never gives in,it’s a horrible thing not to be able to do anything.I despise every second of it.

Its amazing,how the presence and absence of a person can lessen the effects of both these feelings.

Oh,I have to confess,there’s a little development in my story that I failed to mention in any of my recent posts.I finally found a friend-whose sweetness brings out all the good things in me;whose challenges are my drive and motivation;whose humor keeps everything alive and who likes to call our  back and forth of ridiculous statements and banter as:”playing verbal tennis with me.

Things have taken a much better turn and I feel much happier,for which I’m eternally grateful to you my friend 🙂

P.S:I dunno what I wrote-I wasn’t thinking straight tonight.

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